Life thus Far: an overview

Well, it is August and two months since my last post. Unfortunately, this current post does not find me in the happiest of mindsets. July has been a horrific month for varying reasons: -  

My Mr KB can now be known as "the boyfriend which once was"- and I don't think of that fondly at all. (I just don't particularly wish to call him an ex). In June, we hit a rocky patch, which I stupidly thought was sorted, despite my better judgement. It took a weekend of closed off coldness and distance from him, plus a dodgy text whereby I had to decipher and decode what it was he was trying to say, before I realised that I may as well become single. Fabulous!!!                                                             
         To be honest, I did not realise I was in a relationship with the lion from the Wizard of Oz haha; As much courage as a fly..or my cat- Now she is a full blown scaredy cat! So all those memories I made within the year and a half seem a bit pointless now. I'd rather erase them and start from scratch with someone new…life is cruel and impossibly heart wrenching at times. 

It was my friend Fénian's anniversary of his death the same week the same week the above happened and we parted ways. A week after that it also would have Fénian's  27th birthday. Wow, life, you certainly know how to shower a girl with kindness :-/ 

I also began a new job role. Which selfishly I needed a boyfriend for. I'm a strong woman but I also have no qualms in stating that I need certain people in my life to "pick me up", to make me feel better and to guide me. Mr KB was one of those things, I always saw him as my best friend, my future, a soul mate if you will. Funny how those terms of endearment can turn quickly into "You Great Big Twat!" 

My family then had to endure the fact the my father has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Oh yeah. Life is fun. 

When I look back at my previous posts, when I was single or when I first started dating the boyfriend which once was, I shudder and wonder whether I was right all along, that perhaps relationships and me work on paper but result in barriers Life Thus Far: an overview Are the Gods trying to tell me something!? All I know is this…I made a conscious decision last year that I was sick of being single, tired of casual flings and was looking for "The One". Clearly my relationship was built on lies. I'm not going to go into details but faults were on both sides, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted mine. Perhaps that is a sign of maturity. When I speak to my grandmother, she is from an Era where people fought for marriages to work, people didn't give up easily, they dedicated their life to someone and loved them. They worked out what was wrong and found solutions to their problems. 

Now, I know this isn't a very optimistic post but I won't leave it on a negative notion. This past month has been a roller coaster of events and emotions. My life has never been smooth sailing and it persists in continuing to be full of ups and downs. I've had to a put a facade on every day to be honest…going to work in the week and spending weekends in self pity.. ranting to family and friends about my loathing of the boyfriend which once was. What I can honestly glean now is that I loved my boyfriend more than he did me. I was willing to make things work despite any difficulties that might arise in the future. It seems I could never compete with the allure of gadgets, bachelorism or hobbies :-/ (Not that I'd want to take that away from a bloke)
         I've been picking myself up and get back on the horse, have a little bit of fun. I can't spend time feeling hurt anymore- he isn't, in fact he has been so calculating, cruel and cold that he is probably relieved, loving life & not caring about little ole me! If someone wants you in their life, they make it happen. I do deserve more than a little boy who feels dedicating his life to just a career is more important than including a partner in that as well and exclaiming that I would even compromise said career. Cheers! Personally, I think that is pretty bizarre. As I previously noted, I have faults. I didn't wholly support the little boy's career choice from day Uno but most women would completley echo my reasons why. It is hard for me to have had no goodbye, to have been shunned and not spoken to in any friendly way, when I put so many eggs into my basket and developed such a strong bond with a man- I realise now he just fell out of love!!
          In some ways I'm glad to know I haven't evolved past having feelings, having morals, decency, politeness and kindness! I think I could have more respect for someone if they were actually brave enough to be a friend but it's time to look forward and hope that I can feel contentment & an emotional/physical bond with someone new, I'm done with being toyed with like a dog, where maintaining contact doesn't seem likely from their point of view :-/ Right now, yeah I'd probably love to have my old life back but I don't foresee it soo…..See you later Mr wolf in sheep's clothing!

Perfect Mantra's!!!

Any advice/thoughts on this matter, send them my way! Ever been in a situation where you honestly feel someone has made a big mistake?

Inner Desires of the Heart

I need to take the opportunity every one, to give my apologies for being away for such a long time!! I may as well admit to blogging failure but not defeat, I'm just one huge procrastinator! 

I shall do a follow up post to detail new happenings and adventures with Mr KB as in fairness, an amount of changes occurred in the last 7 months. Changes that include ups and downs:: My beautiful family cat sadly passed away to kitty heaven, I celebrated my 26th birthday, started a job/changed the job and built up a mass of memories with Mr KB :-)

Recently, I have been thinking about desires and how, as humans, we all have wants and needs. Perhaps some of us openly have more than others (?) As a norm, I'm pretty open and direct about things I would like, necessities I need or desires I crave. However, I can closet these away depending on the company.. rather alike to switching your true personality on or off when it suits! 

Take me, I'm a worry wart to the core; my own worst enemy who can have little faith in oneself! I know what my inner desires are and to be honest, I daren't imagine what kind of lunatic mess I will be in when I finish preparing for those wants and needs. My other half says I'm like a hamster, constantly running around on the wheel; but in my head (yeah, he confuses me too!) I can't help it though, my head still feels like it's playing "catch up" due to my previous illness :-/ Mmm I guess I am just one of those "happy, but.." girls. The ones who say "oh I have so much to do but it can wait until tomorrow". I change my mind like the wind, never entirely sure on the correct option- Not that great in my line of work!

However, wait… Is there a correct option?! Our hearts can get so conflicted with our heads that I often think we lose sight of what's what. We've all heard of the quarter-life crisis. Mine's still lingering, the other half's is in full flow! I fully believe that generations have either evolved to become more stressed or I must just thrive on it haha. Getting our inner desires is hard. Life is expensive. Getting on the property ladder is tough and student debt follows graduates like a bad smell. It is a rat race we've become accustomed to and sometimes I wonder where the meaning is, the solitude, the lack of pressure. 

           For me, it's likely I have unrealistic expectations of what to achieve by the age of 30 but for anyone who understands my nature, I love a good old time frame…Eureka! Spontaneity, there's nothing quite like it, unless of course you have no time or ££ for it- then that's when you hit your crisis. Life has bitten you with realism. Which sucks. You know though, I don't want that much; a nice house, career, children, husband, car. It's the process that's tricky! 

There's no wonder teen girls look at young, rich celebs and find themselves wrapped up in the media's web of lies! I mean, we can't all have a gigantic bank account or live off the bank of Mum and Dad. I do find the whole vast amount of money that is thrown around quite extravagant and over exposed..you can start to piece together why some teenagers are becoming self indulgent and materialistic :-( 

Why Can I Not Turn Back Time!?!

So surely then, if we gain a new perspective on ourselves, we will feel content. Life is what you make of it after all :-) Our deepest desires certainly don't have to cost fortunes of money, if anything. It's important to realise that what we want doesn't always come to us, yet things we've wished for, for years can happen in an instant, when least expected. Learning to live with what we have and been given can be difficult but also necessary. Perhaps what every 20-something woman needs to discover is that: -

1)  Money cannot buy happiness, love, status or success

2)  Budgeting and managing finances is a sure way to reach a goal This is hard, very hard but doable, I scrimp and save in the hope that I'll get my dream house in a few years. In the meantime, I'll settle for a property that will see me through a rough, saving patch

3)  Forming strong relationships/friendships is key to a healthy lifestyle

4)  There must be room for fun and adventure It needs be done for one's sanity. A walk somewhere new, a slightly expensive purchase, a meal out, a weekend away...just budget it in ;-) 

5)  Now you're all grown up, gain body confidence Accept the flaws and assets but if you are still not content, change it. Exercise healthily in order to get your dream bod! [I must follow my own advice here]

So hopefully, we can all sit back and relax a bit more, quit the worrying and we'll be on track to fulfilment - AND BE MORE DOG! 

What advice would you give to another 20-something? Is there anything you regret not doing or would change?

The Joy of Animals

It's the beginning of October and it's safe to say it's the start of my favourite few months. As much I love summer, once you feel those nights draw in, you are ready to say your goodbyes to a warm, festival season and welcome autumn with open arms! Why? Well who doesn't love sitting next to a blazing fire in a house that smells of cherries and honey; drinking hot chocolate and adorned in knitwear, fur lined boots and hats!? 

October is the season of pumpkins, fireworks, mulled cider, frights and forest splendour with its rich, vibrant colours of gold, red and green. The falling leaves make beautiful cushions streaming through parks and a fresh, misty air surrounds us. I love love it! This said, the chill of winter is on the horizon where the skies appear greyer and a time of reflection comes to the fore. 
       These colder months always fill me with excitement for upcoming festive events, which are evidently a big thing for me: Joy of Christmas It is even more so exciting now I have my beautiful Mr KB to join with me :-)

With autumnal reflection close to mind, the season also encompasses sadness for me. I'm 100% an animal lover and am a happy furry baby mummy to two pets. I love cats (crazy cat ladies unite!) and in 2009 I adopted a gorgeous black boy: Billy. However, last October my precious one sadly passed away at aged 3. It was sudden, acute and terrible. Not a period I like to relieve, and like many tragic events, they end up in a box in my mind. He began sneezing and looking 'off colour'. Numerous visits to the vet and money spent on treatment & suchlike, an illness was not determined! A few weeks later, he was rushed to an emergency vets whereby more money was spent. Eventually, I had to make the decision to euthanise him. Heartbreaking. He was like a child and so I endured grief for my loss.  

For those people out there that cannot comprehend why people grieve the loss of a cat.. I say try having one then you'll see! It's equivalent to any animal, or human for that matter. Everyone has a unique reaction to the death of a beloved pet. My reaction: unashamed crying. My family and I buried Billy in our front garden with his favourite toy. My father made a wooden cross for him and planted three rose bushes. I miss his loving, wild, hunting nature and mysterious 'black cat' mentality. 
       I couldn't live without my cat, thus, I had to fill the void.  Along comes Matilda (tilly). A beautiful little princess with an obscure, somewhat aloof, personality: now 1 & 3 months. I'm not sure how long you should wait to mourn until you get a new cat, but she doesn't replace him at all and I'm so glad I have her! 

Our family cat is Tabitha, a 16 year old tortie. She's lived with us for 9 years. She 'adopted' us in 2004. Like a stray she'd venture in our house for food, however, she wished to always stick around longer. She was a large lady! We in fact made a nest for her believing she was pregnant. Eventually, we found the owner who claimed we could have her as Tabitha wasn't a lap cat and she didn't like that. Shameful woman!! Well, a year on from losing Billy, we're pretty sure she's on her last legs as her organs are failing right now :-( 

I believe people like to nurture and care for pets like children.  They share our homes and we form bonds with them, they provide us with heart-lifting pleasure and in fact, they comfort us. Tabitha came to my family at a perfect time: First introductions She looked after me when I was at my most vulnerable and helpless self, giving me purpose, happiness, love and positivity. As ridiculous as this may sound to some, I'm grateful for her and losing her will be heart-wrenching. 
       Animals provide mental and emotional benefits. The release of endorphins when in the company of an animal improves mood, alertness and health. There's no wonder cats and dogs are brought to ill patients in hospitals or retirement homes. The joy they give humans is so simple; all they ask for is food, shelter, affection & play. Their unique characters provide hours of entertainment and aid companionship. 

A month ago I've added another creature to my home. A cutiepie, golden syrian hamster named Pippin. Again, he keeps an inner child's sense of amazement alive in me and lightens any darker moments I might have :-)

Life Thus Far: an overview

This post will certainly be a snapshot of my life of late. What a bad, bad blogger I am! I have decided to have "Life thus far" as a little chapter series for when chaos kicks in :-) My consistency is shocking and I apologise as it's not great form, however, this hiatus is not out of want or intention as these last couple of months have featured a fair few events and I'll hone in on a couple!

Number One

I celebrated my degree finale with my graduation ball and ceremony.. Doing a social work degree has been one of the toughest things I've done (there's been a few!) and I'm so relieved it's over, yet wish I still hard more time to find the perfect career choices. I don't know if anyone can off some insight, but from doing such an intensive degree, it's difficult to adjust to "reality"- the whole looking for the best job possible, it's easy to lose hope in life sometimes. Social work is competitive. Some people are lucky and get something quickly; me, well I'm getting there bit by bit. I guess I'm not alone...

Number Two

This is my saddest event. One of my close friends, who've I've known for eight years, devastatingly passed away. I attended Fénian's funeral a week ago, and I'm still in grieving mode. I may or may not do an entire post about this tragedy, but it's still raw. Due to his young age, I've never had to endure such pain. We didn't always have time to see each other often as we were busy and lived in different areas..but I know I was one of his few friends who understood him. I'm definitely not sure on the correct way to grieve but I've put him in a little box in my head. But tears aren't far away; rest in peace.

Number Three

Due to my anxieties over relationships, it's been a while since I've had a fully fledged relationship (be it, flings here or there, as mentioned!), but my dating guy is now officially mine. Since March in fact. The strange thing is, coupledom doesn't feel like odd territory, I think when something is right, you feel content very quickly :-). I'm 26 in three months and have certainly been wanting commitment for a long time!  He's a year & 1/2 younger which is different :-) It's strange how many coupley things we've experienced. He must really like my company ha! We went camping in the English Riviera a few weeks ago- Torquay. So beautiful..

             So yes, I'm adjusting to this new happiness nicely; me being me, I can find a worry every so often..you know, a niggle or annoyance that Mr KB has etcetc, but this contentment enhances every emotion and I love that! 

In a somewhat follow up from a previous post, I am beginning to feel certain of destiny/fate. I feel we forge our own direction/purpose in life, but I believe our paths are somewhat "written in the stars". Mr KB and I fit well, I can't fathom how similar our wavelengths are are; seven months ago, I was unaware that he even existed! It almost is like there's a fixed order in the universe, like you are meant to meet someone. Furthermore, an individual can decide their fate through freewill, but there could be some things that are predetermined. Ahh I don't know, I could be talking crazy! But share some thoughts please if you have a belief on this said subject.  I shall love you and leave you with this picturesque picture, enjoy!

Brixham, Torquay

A question of Faith

I refer to myself as agnostic. Whereby, I am not sure I believe there is a God among us or not. If anything, I believe in spirituality; that there is a spiritual "force above" that guides our life's true destiny. To me, this is entirely separate to religion. In which, in reference to Christianity, I disagree with some concepts..going into no detail so to not offend, I hasten to add.      

This all being said, I was christened as a baby. My grandmother is fairly religious- more so in  her latter years so we are C of E children. However, my parents and intermediate family do not attend Church often, I must admit. This brings me to a question my father asked me in regards to why people have church weddings and christenings if they are not religious. It is a very fair point, but here are my two cents...

My thoughts on religion aside, I have always dreamt of a church wedding and insist on my (hopeful) future children to be christened. Personally, a ceremony in a church is meaningful and beautiful. Of course, I find a church to be atmospheric and the architecture  fantastic, but saying my vows before 'God' and a priest binds it for me. It's tradition and epitomises faith and promise to a person, whereby you can showcase your commitment in the most beautiful of ways. 

Sure, I don't classify myself as a Christian but a civil ceremony in a stately home or suchlike wouldn't feel right. Is this hypocrisy, to wish to marry in a place of worship? As for christenings, I share the same sentiment. It's a symbol of cleansing, protection of sin and announcing your precious gift. There may be many people that completely disagree with my opinions but the way I see it is, C of E accepts and welcomes people regardless of how religious they, so long as their reasons are understandable. The Church is supposedly non discriminatory and full of forgiveness, right?! 

This a deep subject and it also got me to wondering about faith and what will answer all those ontological questions that whirl through my mind. A bit off topic but Buddhism and Judaism have always interested me, looking at the nature of life, spirituality and culture.   

"We all have a purpose to fulfill in this lifetime. Never underestimate the importance of the role you play in the lives of other and in the greater scheme of things."

For instance, meditation and mindful awareness can only be positive practices to reduce stress and anxiety. Kabbalah is an interesting concept that is open to opinion, being it became popular with celebrities. Much research needed here as it is a bit cult-ish! In modern terms, it is the study of how to receive fulfilment in life; first stop, my little blog :-)

Panic stations at the ready!

So fellow bloggers, it has been an age. I have finished my degree, hurrah!! I have completely subsumed myself in work this year; be it: placement full time, assignments, portfolio and dissertation. It's not been much fun and there are still hoops to jump so to become absolutely qualified as a Social Worker. I am ecstatic it is done but I cannot shake off the feeling of being in limbo and final grades worry me. I don't know where to turn... I am in need of quick cash but jobs are few and far between. I guess I need to relax for a while :-)

Since February, I have been dating this amazing person (Mr KB, for now). I say this all loosely, as you may have read my exploits in my post Single Mundanities? but I do not wish to jinx this one. I like him far too much! Anyway, he has enabled me to have a few distractions from my academic work and instead of joining in on the "drinking escapades" that known peers have endured, I spent my time having dates with said person. Very lovely dates. 

During the last bank holiday, he flew me (yes, flew) to the seaside. Excited is an understatement, it's so much fun!!

That's it on this expedition. I feel I need to keep my mouth shut as men and me... work on paper but there's always a shed load of barriers in the way. I have many plans for my own future and I must get a move on, five years of my 20's left...oh lordy!! For the imminent future, I plan to immerse myself in challenges and this here blog :-)

What adventures have you had recently/or would like to experience? 

Brain Tumour Survival

March 2013 

You may or not be aware that it is brain tumour awareness month. Note the recent documentaries to raise such awareness. "Brain Doctors" follows the work of neurosurgeons at John Radcliffe Hospital, Oxford.  Very close to my heart since I myself was operated upon there three times some eight years ago! My ninth (!!) Craniversary will be this May, and again in October- Two since my tumour had to be operated on again.  

You may think it was a long time ago that my tumour occurred. It indeed is, however, a shunt remains in my brain to drain cerebral fluid. Since my operations I have not stopped. Literally. I had to learn to walk again; learn to do many things again. I then had to get my education back on track. So much so that I am now 25 and fighting to finish my social work degree by May. This is not doing my head any favours. I'm not sure if I am getting a wake up call due to the month, but I've been getting headaches almost daily for a month or so. My tumour was benign but please do not think that makes things any easier. I was a rare case in that my childhood tumour was able to grow for an extra two years until I got any symptoms. 

I should have been at University today, however, I awoke with yet another shocking headache and my mother kindly gave me some tablets and then bought some even stronger ones. I now feel quite zombie-esque as I write this. With this in mind, I wish to thank my parents and brother for their kindness, empathy and understanding. I cannot thank them enough as I know it must be difficult to put up with my mood swings that can still occur.. I have part of my brain missing, what can I say?! 

I would also like you to acknowledge the vast amount of people who have endured this life-threatening illness. It's no piece of cake, and we may look, appear and act very normal  but side effects do not ever leave. I was never given physiotherapy so my mum took that role, along with many other roles. With our combined efforts, I still will never wear stiletto heels. As silly as it sounds, I get extremely frustrated with todays society of women who rule their life by how they look. I still have to check that I am walking o.k due to my slightly weak left-hand side. Spare some thoughts to the survivours in the world, and those less fortunate.    

19/20 years old here

Jon and I after my 2nd operation: May '04, aged 16