This, my blogsphere folk, is going to be an honest overview. To be fair, I'm always pretty open right?! However, I have no qualms in saying I have endured a wretched couple of months...personally. I'd love to put a positive spin on things but that isn't always me and I can't pretend that it is. Life, for some of us, is not always smelling of roses; I've mentioned before about how my identity can differ and how I can change facades and adapt. Well, that got tiring…
For a while I think I have felt like I've lost my identity somewhat. Physically, mentally, sexually, soulfully, sensually. Ever felt like that? It doesn't half suck!
I know why the feelings are lingering, but I just haven't known how to handle it of late. I've felt a bit disconnected from my friends (even though they are GREAT supportive listeners & it's my fault) but they don't need to be bogged down with my crap when everyone has their own issues to contend with.
I do reckon I've turned a corner, I hope through the use of a new understanding of how your brain really can be affected years later after brain surgeries and new medication, I can be less temperamental, for want of a better word. It's all trial and error. I'm also back exercising as I lost that focus too and I'm seeing that as a positive stage as I must be feeling more stable. Thank god though because I've put on a fair few pounds and feel whale-esque :-/
Ya see, I come from a pretty highly strung family. I'm close to my grandmother but we can clash SO much, maybe because we're alike in the worst ways. Achievers, stubborn, obsessive, worriers. These can be good traits but lately they have been my downfall. I'm very aware that I most be one of the most stubborn women in the world but that has turned into skyrocketing anxiety levels :-( Some days it's like my head is literally going to explode haha. Not the easiest or prettiest thing to hide from people!!
 |
| Inside my brain..probably!!
Anyyyways, it does feel kind've tricky these days to be me. Or to just be. I don't know, I suppose life seemed so exact a year ago. I was so certain on where life was going. Ever since I was 16 & being diagnosed with the tumour, life never really gave me what I wanted; I always worked hard for things…which is fine and all, but it can be bloody frustrating when you see others' getting EVERYTHING! I'm not particularly an envious person..we're all rich in differing ways, but for the last couple of months, I've been so jealous of couples. You know the awful feeling when they are just everywhere you look, acting all perfect and precious. Bleurgh! Screw them!
Thing is, I want that. I had that. And some days, dare I say, I want that back. But alas, ancient history sadly. F*ck him ha. As morbid as sounds, I've treated these last 11 months like grief. I grieved for my friend passing on, so why not a failed relationship right?! Probably not the greatest advise to give but when you give something up that you love what else can you do.
However, all I'm lumbered with is bad dates with mediocre, 2-a-penny men! I seem to be on a roll with them. I mean my god, do blokes really think you can win a girls' heart with arrogance, a bottle of wine [that they wish for you to drink alone- Yeah because I'll fall for that!] and chauvinistic humour- Where are the intelligent, beautiful men at?!! So for now, I'm not fishing for dates, there's definitely no point looking for "the one", not when you're 27 yo and have a "type". I suppose I should be more flexible, but I have tried that within my [almost]year of being single & it's not worked...To be fair, I'd rather date my cat. And being fancy-free & single is enjoyable at times ha.
  On to something else entirely different, the tv series, The Affair, has begun in the UK. It is so good and feeding my missing sexuality in life, if you please! With two awesome British actors in an American drama, you can expect great suspense and storyline, adult themes and fabulous scenery. If you haven't managed to watch it, check it out!
Until next time :-) If you have any single girl tips or bad dates to share, go right ahead.
|
