This, my blogsphere folk, is going to be an honest overview. To be fair, I'm always pretty open right?! However, I have no qualms in saying I have endured a wretched couple of months...personally. I'd love to put a positive spin on things but that isn't always me and I can't pretend that it is. Life, for some of us, is not always smelling of roses; I've mentioned before about how my identity can differ and how I can change facades and adapt. Well, that got tiring…
For a while I think I have felt like I've lost my identity somewhat. Physically, mentally, sexually, soulfully, sensually. Ever felt like that? It doesn't half suck!
I know why the feelings are lingering, but I just haven't known how to handle it of late. I've felt a bit disconnected from my friends (even though they are GREAT supportive listeners & it's my fault) but they don't need to be bogged down with my crap when everyone has their own issues to contend with.
I do reckon I've turned a corner, I hope through the use of a new understanding of how your brain really can be affected years later after brain surgeries and new medication, I can be less temperamental, for want of a better word. It's all trial and error. I'm also back exercising as I lost that focus too and I'm seeing that as a positive stage as I must be feeling more stable. Thank god though because I've put on a fair few pounds and feel whale-esque :-/
Ya see, I come from a pretty highly strung family. I'm close to my grandmother but we can clash SO much, maybe because we're alike in the worst ways. Achievers, stubborn, obsessive, worriers. These can be good traits but lately they have been my downfall. I'm very aware that I most be one of the most stubborn women in the world but that has turned into skyrocketing anxiety levels :-( Some days it's like my head is literally going to explode haha. Not the easiest or prettiest thing to hide from people!!
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| Inside my brain..probably!!
Anyyyways, it does feel kind've tricky these days to be me. Or to just be. I don't know, I suppose life seemed so exact a year ago. I was so certain on where life was going. Ever since I was 16 & being diagnosed with the tumour, life never really gave me what I wanted; I always worked hard for things…which is fine and all, but it can be bloody frustrating when you see others' getting EVERYTHING! I'm not particularly an envious person..we're all rich in differing ways, but for the last couple of months, I've been so jealous of couples. You know the awful feeling when they are just everywhere you look, acting all perfect and precious. Bleurgh! Screw them!
Thing is, I want that. I had that. And some days, dare I say, I want that back. But alas, ancient history sadly. F*ck him ha. As morbid as sounds, I've treated these last 11 months like grief. I grieved for my friend passing on, so why not a failed relationship right?! Probably not the greatest advise to give but when you give something up that you love what else can you do.
However, all I'm lumbered with is bad dates with mediocre, 2-a-penny men! I seem to be on a roll with them. I mean my god, do blokes really think you can win a girls' heart with arrogance, a bottle of wine [that they wish for you to drink alone- Yeah because I'll fall for that!] and chauvinistic humour- Where are the intelligent, beautiful men at?!! So for now, I'm not fishing for dates, there's definitely no point looking for "the one", not when you're 27 yo and have a "type". I suppose I should be more flexible, but I have tried that within my [almost]year of being single & it's not worked...To be fair, I'd rather date my cat. And being fancy-free & single is enjoyable at times ha.
  On to something else entirely different, the tv series, The Affair, has begun in the UK. It is so good and feeding my missing sexuality in life, if you please! With two awesome British actors in an American drama, you can expect great suspense and storyline, adult themes and fabulous scenery. If you haven't managed to watch it, check it out!
Until next time :-) If you have any single girl tips or bad dates to share, go right ahead.
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Oh Girl...
ReplyDeleteOn my 40`s, divorced
things are not better, and middle aged men are worse
But I don`t have the money to date my dog now and he is in love with another Chihuahua b!%(#
:-D This is actually good to hear (not for you of course) but that things are the same for us all…haha my cat is the same, always sneaking with others'!! haha :)
DeleteLove the first picture, lol!
ReplyDeleteI used to be thin all my life so I never needed to worry about gaining weight. But then in 2010 after being horribly ill it was discovered I have coeliac disease.. and after switching to gluten free diet and my gut healed, I started gaining weight, something I didn't really realise until it was too late. Not that I'm overweight but I have too much fluff on my belly which I really hate. I'm working on it though.. but I do love good food.
Nope, no single girl tips.. I'm married. You will hate the only tips I'd have.. the usual "relax and just do your thing, you'll meet someone eventually" yada yada, but because it is true!
Ar bless you, sorry to hear that! If you work hard thought, that fluff will go!! Promise. I do get a lot of those tips, of course, they're not entirely what you want to hear but it is so true, thanks :-)
DeleteOh yeah, staying single is often the answer. I am a firm believer that it will happen when it happens, but don't go searching too hard. I have a friend that jumps from relationship to relationship, but always dates "the same guy". She refuses to take time off from dating (which I think is an important thing to do).
ReplyDeleteYep, that's what I'm trying to do, just being patient and the right person will show up. It can be hard though when the boredom kicks in and you fancy another *lousy* date…but hey, free food at least! Yes, time for yourself after a relationship is also needed, I never see why people jump into things, bound for failure!
DeleteI really identify with you--even though I'm much older. I've led a similar kind of life. You're right. Never jump into anything and never stay with someone out of pity. I wish you luck. Always be good to yourself first.
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you! That's lovely, and I totally agree. You should never jump into things when you're feeling confused or desperate, and so on...My brain and heart have been conflicting so much this year, but in the last few months, I've learnt to become happier alone again :-)
DeleteWow, you must be a very strong person. Reading about the tumor must have been scary. Well I'm sure thing will work out with your relationships. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAw! Thank you very much Jenny; this made me smile :) It was definitely a scary time, and I've plenty of ups and downs along the way- but it's something that was given for me to do/accomplish! Thanks re relationships..me too! Haha. I just wish there were more genuine men around.
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