Friday, 8 November 2019

Life Thus Far: an overview

Woah, so my blogging activity has been TERRIBLE this year. I haven't felt much like journaling at all but due to the fact my last post was at the beginning of 2019, I need to compose one for the end of the year [near enough] ...So here goes, a bit of a good ole, wordy ramble.
       Ps. Guys, if you have read my blog and got a glimpse of my personality, my lack of posting is by no means intentional. I've not had the emotional energy or capacity this year 

So, as many know, this time of year is my favourite. The leaves turn to rich colours of gold and fall gracefully to the ground; the nights get darker [albeit, not so much to my liking], but Halloween/Samhain arrived, along with Bonfire night so I'm happy. I think it's a magical time and special in remembering those who have passed on. A time of reflection & reconnection

I have been seeing plenty of angel numbers in the last couple of weeks, so I am taking that as little nudges from above :) I find manifestation or law of attraction difficult but I'm hoping that by staying open & receptive, I shall receive what I most desire.. My mind is a collection of analysis, worry and multitasking currently, so fingers crossed, faith and persistence will see me through to the end of the year!

During Jan/Feb, my immune system decided to do a u-turn again so to be honest, I just felt a bit bleak for 2 months. Colds, sinusitis, norovirus...all that good stuff ;) ha, erm no.
       In April, my Grandmother fell very ill. She has had atrial fibrillation for years which is an irregular heart rate. She was in hospital for a few days but deteriorated at home; for a week all the family rallied round. We slept there, I took days off work...then back to hospital. Pacemaker fitted. She's definitely not got the energy she did have but at almost 87, she's still going- and that's the main thing! I focused very much on work in the following months; still am. I began some verrryy intense training in peer work. So this being, supporting and guiding people with mental health issues in their own recovery/journey. To be able to be said peer worker you have to have lived experience of mental health issues/brain injuries- it felt like a natural, next phase of life. It's very new in the UK and it's not really going as I expected but I will persist. I really want my story to help someone!

I feel like I've experienced a lot of changes this year, although, everything still feels very much 'up in the air'; maybe that's something that's been universally felt ? I have to remind myself often that I'm not that bad a person, even though shitty things do happen. Perhaps it is true that "you get what you're strong enough to handle." To that I always think, I'm strong enough, but maybe I'm not. Yet. At almost 32 and 15 years of turbulence, you'd think I was to be fair...We need to remember that we have to look back at what we have achieved, than what we have not. It's usually the case that if you look back at where you were a year ago, things have moved on a lot since. However, it can also be true that if you are asked on the spot to name 3 positive things about yours versus. negative, the latter can be easier to summarise. What a shame that is.
       Sadly, I fear that's how I've been feeling lately. The last 3 months of a year are really important & I'm not in the mindset I wanted to be. You reap what you sow, right? I'm a caring enough person with a warm heart; I like to help others, but I'm not really helping myself much. Esp. when some people just don't want your support however much you reach out! My personal life sucks and that never fails to get me down but then I let that lose my focus and that is SO wrong. Things like that can't rule your life but when you feel like an off-balance jigsaw, one's temper and headspace can soon snap!!

My dating life was fairly chequered until June, and now, well, lets go with plateaued; varying reasons. A pity really, I like(d?) this one a lot. Shan’t give up yet. I'm incredibly sick of dating- The majority of men bore me. Apologies fellas. Please read>> the dating underbelly
       Christmas, such a wonderful time to be alone too... (Yep, please do sense the sarcasm.) Less said the better about it all; in these circumstances I'd usually blame mercury retrograde, and in fact, yes I will blame it. Why not. It is a deep and murky one right now. Who knows, the universe might throw the good stuff back again. My luck can't be this bad! retrograde release

Anyway, it's my birthday soon and I have a week off leading up to it so I've got plans on the go for that :) & christmas presents to purchase. Single or not, I want to make it lovely. Even though there are things I'm still unhappy with, I've tried my best this year! We should pat ourselves on the back for those moments where you feel so blue but you put on whatever 'hat' you must, wear a smile and gradually, that smile becomes truth. I've had some crappy moments in Oct that took my anxieties/depression back to a few years ago..I've worked really hard on my mental health with the help of (mainly the mother) my support & I can't go back there. I've been purposefully making a habit of using prayer at night. I'm not religious, more agnostic and spiritual, obvs. When I whip out the crystals and incense and talk, particularly to my friend FĂ©nian, I know he’d want me to push on. He believed so much in me and I can't let him down, even when my emotions overburden me.

Hope my honesty does touch or help someone. Feel welcome to e-mail me! It's amazing how quickly times flies by. I definitely do feel like I need to put more thought into cherishing & embracing moments because time really is precious.

Friday, 1 February 2019

January Realisations.

So the dreaded January has vanished...and I for one am thrilled! I do hope 2018 was a productive one for all ? The new year is definitely in full swing and on paper, my month has been good, but in theory, I've hit some hurdles and it's affected my month. Thankfully, I'm a resilient character & have drowned thoughts out during the days {however, when you have had sinusitis for a week after not being ill in years, and feel ready for your next B12 shot, you know you need to do some cathartic writing!} 

For my own sanity/mental health and protection of a close family member, I don't wish to delve too much into the finer details, but dealing with negative events that occur within your own household are not topics you like to broadcast but lately, I am feeling particularly reflective and wish to discuss some serious matters...In the hope of reaching out to someone who perhaps deals with a Jekyll & hyde character. Or use it as you will!

No-one, especially someone close, should make you feel inadequate and doubt your own skills. For instance, empathy is very different to sympathy- 'feeling sorry' for a person or thinking about how you would feel in their situation, doesn't quite cut it. If you find that you're not getting the sufficient support you may need, I say...swim to another path, change direction. I always think of myself as family-oriented. I love all of my family; my brothers are everything, my nephews whom I adore, every single person, but you sometimes become aware of bad vibes that make you second guess yourself, why? Why should any-one make you feel discouraged or dampen your spirit

Sometimes, you realise who is true to you and who isn't. I find it really tough if said people are actually 'family'. In my opinion, the definition of the word means support, security, someone who shares your problems:: Many nurturing connotations right!?

Now surely, family (or friends) shape our personalities- we learn from one another through our lives; they boost self-confidence, speak truths, grow from mistakes, own responsibility....
       If you suddenly find the opposite happening, what do you do? Cut ties, remove the toxicity, resume routines, accept unwarranted opinions? Unfortunately, it's happened to me previously with someone, and it's a horrible feeling. Eventually, you confront it head on, you talk, argue even, agree to disagree, forgive but never forget, explain your reasoning for removal. Thankfully, it all worked out, talking and listening in a non-judgmental manner was hugely advantageous!! I just hope my latest situation sorts out just the same...

If you've followed my blog or looked back at my previous posts, you will have read that I've had a tad of a rollercoaster ride since I was 16. Now I can't stress enough that I have never made an excuse of anything in my life due to the fact of having brain surgery- but due this fact, I was changed as a person but I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I may have hit a bad patch some time ago, but I work hard at being me & haters aren't wanted! I won't tolerate negative verbal diatribe headed towards either my mother, or me. When you have the biggest fan who happens to be your mum, anyone knows how strong that bond is.
       So, is any of this familiar to you !? I'd love to hear some stories or tips on how you respond...
For now, happy February ❤️