Sunday, 9 August 2020

Life thus far: An overview

I did have a particular theme I wanted to discuss for this latest post, which I still intend to do, however, me being me, my mind raced on to manyyy other subjects, so I figured I may as well do a ramble. Damn you, brain!     Disclosure: Involves discussion of MH issues. 

So here we are, August. Really?! Mind is blown. This year is just a global disaster huh. However, we have got to make the most of it all, right. These last couple of months have been thought-provoking for me. I had an attack a month or so ago. Lasted 20 minutes & it was the first I'd had in a long time. It was a Sunday evening (great timing- work next day) and I could sense it brewing. I had panic and nausea all day; I went to my room. I had a surge on intense dread, thoughts racing, uncontrollable crying, couldn't catch my breath, trembling. To re-centre, I focused on reality& mindful awareness; pinpointing objects around me, focused on breath as much as possible. It was just horrible.
      Anyway, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I knew that I felt like life was overwhelming me, thoughts imploding. So it had to stop right there! I do myself no favours keeping 'a face on.'- maintaining my usual, friendly, cheerful self. My poor, dear mum is basically my therapist (no joke) and that's totally unfair. I do have good knowledge of myself, my management techniques, but I shouldn't always keep my issues SO separate from social life, for ex. I urge people who have such problems to discuss more with friends. I enjoy being there for others, offering advice, agony aunt...but it'll get on top of you ^as above. Seek help, always.

We all have different ways of reacting or responding to events don't we. A pandemic has taught many people this, if nothing else! Mask wearing in some indoor settings became compulsory 24th July. Pubs/restaurants/hairdressers etc from 4th July. It really has been a godsend to me to enjoy that sense of normality in a pub. Blogging is definitely a cathartic process. It's important to discuss current events and document your own observations. With local lockdowns recently appearing, one may say there's still trouble ahead. I completely understand that this wholly scares people. We've been dealing with storms that we've never experienced before. The negativity of the news and media is 24/7, pretty much. This not only preys on emotions but will keep many people glued to the TV. Please, go about life normally and safely but remember that life is an investment in yourself. We have to keep evolving. Be authentic and seek your purpose. Listen to news briefly but invest some time in critical info, if you need to be up to date.

I've been re-watching films occasionally that have touched me in some form:
The way we were
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind
Benjamin Button
The Vow
Brain on Fire
A beautiful mind...Many more to follow I'm sure. These films inspire me. They're powerful in terms of hope, love of life, passion, mental health, loss of love, destiny. I could go on! My point is, we spend a lot of time looking in to the future that we forget the present. Some of us excessively worry. *hands up hsp* We need to truly and mindfully relax. Take that time to watch films when you can, something to really make you think, or cry, or laugh.
      I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder/intermittent depression in 2015 by my neuropsychologist. As my personal journey is unique, abi is also a factor. So, in theory, I have been on medication to help with my migraines and MH struggles since '13. The tension of wanting to solve the cause of your anxiety will result in wasting time running around in an inner maze of self-perpetuating worry. By using techniques I've listed above, or within my blog, it all helps to ease tension. Should it arise though, try this: anxiety feels like a voice, 'time to worry about everything.' Cue the sense of dread& cue a relaxation exercise. Choose something calming (stress ball, visualisation, colour therapy etc), practice often and use the words 'Don't listen or Stop it.' Say it loud.
      Obviously, cognitive distortion is not a helpful mindset & may be something that some of you are experiencing. Here's a great link:
I truly believe there's a moral to everything, like films, there's a moral somewhere. A lesson for you to learn. It might be good or bad but we have to go through that to reach what we truly deserve and have wished for.

As we navigate through life, know that nothing lasts forever. There are silver linings at the edge of the orange-tinged horizon.

I'm not sure what this post turned into quite frankly! Info/tips spam, haha. I hope it's helpful x

Thursday, 25 June 2020

Lets talk resilience

It's been a good two months since my last post..It's been a tumultuous 2 months. Definitely a significant year in our contemporary history!

2020 certainly is the year of an (ongoing) global pandemic of not only COVID, but also of worldwide protests against racism and police violence. Now, I want to make it clear that indeed, I feel empathy towards those who've suffered a loss of friends or relatives due to the virus, and also understand the huge plight of the world taking a stand against structural racism. However, we all have thoughts, feelings and opinions that differ to other people and all emotions are valid. I want to discuss how I've been dealing with my own resilience recently, and offer some skills/tips, because I don't know about you, but I've found life tricky- Particularly in the last month. On the whole, my resilience is very good. I've been through such struggles, that I can tolerate a lot. For ex. Having spent a month in a hospital, you feel institutionalised. Adjusting to "normality" can be tough, but I've begun to have that sensation again; feeling caged in...
       Do you remember the #bekind campaign that was floating around before the virus came alone? Yeah, me neither! I've observed so much over these months that make me think how fickle humans are. The hatred that comes spewing out of people's mouths. It's mind boggling. People say everything is for "justice reasons," but honestly, it's looks like anger and fear to me. What message does this send ? I witness judgement of others, probably of myself also; who knows. What are people lacking in their lives when they have supported in developing division during this lockdown.
       Non mask wearers vs those that do; people who 'Tut' at you if you accidentally don't follow the marked arrows in supermarkets; or the multiple people who glared at me and snarkily looked at my 87 year old grandmother whom I took out for the first time in three months of her shielding indoors. [It has been difficult for my grandmother to compute all of the mass media, and she doesn't wholly understand the need for the imposed regulations etc- So imagine how bewildering places are now for her] What a dire manner to act around an elderly lady. I honestly don't know how people have the emotional energy to hold on to such strong opinions that they then deem as factual; a lot of the time, it's unsubstantiated. What's happened to alternative thinking. The human race has become too carefree and irresponsible with their actions & thoughts.

The pandemic has clearly offered an opportunity for us to use this reset to be more conscious and to think about how we can improve, as individuals and collective. For ex, I do think a huge positive has been that the lockdown has provided a lifeline for rough sleepers. Thousands have been given shelter, security & help- fantastic. Although, what happens next & also, why did it take a pandemic to sort this out? Social issues like this really highlight how the Tory Gov. have had important issues directed in their faces! We’re living in extraordinary times.

Stay with me...The above has developed in to somewhat of a prologue.

The last three months has triggered increased anxiety for many. The virus outbreak has had such heightened media attention, which has sparked feelings that some people are not accustomed to. I have found that this last month has been my hardest. I was feeling self-doubt and lacking in self love. Feeling an amount of distress that was affecting my emotional wellbeing. Now, I know that adapting to life's changes hasn't been difficult at all for some, which is totally fine but I can't say I've enjoyed the "new norm." I've been in regular contact with friends (online), working & more recently, had a walk with friends (separate occasions) and visited family. It had been three months that I'd not seen my nephews- This is tough for us all, yes. However, it got me to thinking why do I feel low, so non-resilient.
       I've been missing things. The things that give me pleasure. If I didn't think I was a person who needs human interaction or a social butterfly, I know now! People watching hasn't felt the same either haha. Work has helped; seeing colleagues. Generally it's "normal", but the added stress of staff shortage never helps haha. The buzz of a chaotic city is a distant memory.

I‘ve always had an ability to be happy and productive alone & I've evolved enough to be content in losing myself in tasks but I genuinely miss it all: restaurants, theatre, country houses, cinema, camping, shopping, pubs, dating. At least we've been able to walk around country parks, but dating, boy oh boy...that's a biggie for me. I miss men. Period.
       This may come across as 'moan & groan,' apologies, but it leads me nicely to resilience. If we define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity/trauma, it is fair to say my positive adaptation and ability to maintain MH has fallen in recent times. Resilience involves, bouncing back, remaining flexible, keeping going & staying well. 
       I may or may not be alone with the feeling of lacking in this strength right now, but if I’m not, you can at least now have knowledge that you are not alone! 

So, I looked back on my peer work training, and had a good read through my ‘first aid kit’ and resilience tools. It’s been extremely helpful at regaining insight in to my own behaviours. Those of us who suffer from MH issues will understand what’s knocks us off balance. My ‘off day signs’ had become to blur into the week, so I knew I had to pick myself up again.

My toolkit includes a combination of aspects: -
physical: sleep, exercise, breathing exercises, good diet, medication
mental: recognise triggers, seek help or access online groups, impulse control, reflection, acceptance
spiritual: lighting incense/candles, meditation, being around nature, positive quotes
emotional: be around animals, social support, clean and declutter, laughter, podcasts

This first aid kit is not exhaustive. It could include other simple acts such as, watch a new drama series, practice gratitude, cook and so forth..

I think it is fair to say that everyone is struggling in some capacity, and we need to consistently prepare ourselves. Stress can make it difficult to make even the smallest decisions about life. In order to approach new tasks and situations optimistically, developing a wellness plan helps us to develop resilience and helps you intervene quickly when you spot early warning signs. Mindfulness aids us to enjoy the present moment, task or event at a time, taking that pressure away

I really hope someone can take something from my scribing and it’s urged them to look at their own resilience. Remember what resilience also is not- We all have vulnerabilities and weakness at times. This is not failure. We can get back on that horse and ride again, once more and feel excited for life being "normal" again..


Tuesday, 14 April 2020

Pandemic Opportunities

Hey, hi, hello
Salut, ciao, shalom

My goodness. What a time it is on Earth right now, huh. So with life on a global lockdown, I thought I'd shed some light into how I'm handling things/interpreting life (or COVID-19 as we now recognise our life, as is)

The UK has entered its fourth week of lockdown & it is feeling bloody tough, and this is coming from someone who is comfortable with and enjoys their own company! I am "semi-isolating," meaning I'm working most of the week. My ward has four positive cases, so went into isolation, which meant PPE, indeed. I work with the elderly community for some of my time, so I'm aware of their vulnerability & risk. The coinciding Easter/annual leave has meant I've had nearly a week at home..and I have to admit, it has sent me almost insane. It's so very easy to get lost in worry and stress in these times of uncertainly, and that's what's been getting me into a panic- mostly about the future (not a rarity for me but I'm hyper attuned to it) and not just my future, but as a collective. This pandemic is a tragedy, in terms of both the loss of lives and collateral damage.

Lets be honest here, the position we're in is potentially risky for mental health, depending on how you approach it. Somehow, we have to stay connected to the big picture, stay centred and grounded.
So how can we thrive during the ongoing time? How can we gain and learn something, rather than dwelling on the losses- I'll be honest, I'm beginning to struggle. This has all been necessary of course, but for many, it's a big adjustment & worry, in terms of the wider economic impact. I'm empathetic towards every person on the frontline, but I'm also feeling much compassion towards the substantial uncertainty about the impact on people’s lives and livelihoods (which covers a wide range of issues)

As it has just been Easter, we have had to celebrate indoors. We've had glorious sunshine, which I took advantage of, but on the Sunday, I believe, I felt somewhat deflated. No energy to do a fat lot. Made use of the garden, but tv too*
    I did talk to friends in the evening, but productivity levels were loooww. So going back to above paragraph, I know that my anxiety is triggered big time. We have to give ourselves a lot of love. I've found going to the supermarket difficult if I'm honest; I understand the protocol, the reasoning, physical distancing my words, but I am impatient. If you know me, you know. So yeah, I've had to learn to slow things down.
What is the new paradigm here? Will we have a revived appreciation of the outdoors and life's simple pleasures? Will we realise the benefits to human connection and camaraderie...I hope so. April is calling for us to look within; shake up your routine and look at new ways of thinking. Consider what your personal roadmap looks like & what needs to change or stay exactly as is- relationship, career, dynamics etc. Are there people in your life that you could do without, platforms that no longer serve you. Perhaps there is a missed opportunity you could seek back ? Now is the time to think about what is the world ready for, what do we wish to change..collectively and individually.

Having this "time off" is definitely not a vacation. No-one takes a holiday quarantined in their house, right!? People of the more introverted personality still value time outdoors, hugely, to protect their MH. So, set an intent, a goal, objective and use time & structure to think about progress and get that to-do list done! We need to look forward as human beings. When we stay stuck in the mud, that's where depression seeps in.

Having our freedom, liberties, the outdoors and general activities taken away certainly opens your eyes to the precious time we do have. Take away the media. This time we have demands structure [I AM AIMING THIS AT MYSELF TOO] Consider a dopamine detox for a few days a week. Abstain from those enjoyable, yet addictive habits. For many of us these days, that'll be social media, tv, alcohol, overeating. Let your brain rewire and take time to concentrate on responsibilities, reading, studying, exercise. You'll find that you'll be far more motivated when you teach yourself that before you get that hit of dopamine, you need to work for it first. Associate the work with the reward and you'll be more likely to repeat the work so you know you can get the dopamine rush!

If we actively engage with reality with discipline, we can commit to pushing outside of our comfort zones occasionally. For example, complete tasks you've been putting off doing around the house or level up on personal development. It can be tricky to stick to a routine currently, so free online courses maintain a good structure at weekends perhaps, particularly if you're interested in gaining a new job or new skills to apply in your field

Finally, lets face it, we can't be "in the zone" 24/7, and our wellbeing isn't a marathon. It shifts and improves all the time. Now more than ever, we need to feel calm, so think of the little things...For me, de-cluttering/spring cleaning, meditation/soothing ASMR, light lavender incense, have an "in house salon" [bath, nails, shave, blowdry hair]

Woah, I apologise if this got a bit heavy. I just want my readers to have the knowledge that there is definitely more than Netflix to do during this really confusing, sad, odd time. Not that I'm saying it's bad; we all binge watch as it's often needed, but it will drain you like an energy vampire- we don't need added toxicity! *as noted
This said, I don't have Netflix so I don't get to see Tiger King. Spare a thought for me, ha. Re-runs of True Blood is my chosen vice ;-)

I hope Easter has been a joyous one, even with the difficulties we are all faced with. Remember, when we get back to some normality, we must seek to continue some kind've path to enlightenment to connection and becoming present. Really present.

Sunday, 5 January 2020

My 2020 New Year musings


Happy 2020. I hope that you've enjoyed the festivities and that the new year gives you everything you desire. I cannot believe another decade has zoomed by. I feel good about the '20s I think. She says. I felt bloated & sluggish on NYD so I exercised and went for a winter walk. Then it was back to work, reality. I have shed loads of things to attain and achieve and this did give me some panic- but with some great pep talks from my family and friends over the Christmas period, I am determined to get what I desire.

I wanted to get rid of a horrid situation (so many things about it angered me, that I thought I'd share it with you!) But nahh, I'm not going to air too much dirty laundry; this is not Dear Diary haha. It's unfair so I'll remove most of the narrative but the gist is >>
      So, if you look back on my previous post, I had been dating someone for a while: Decent, interesting person I thought; a few red flags I chose to ignore because I felt an emotional connection that seemed compelling. Meh. Well, it doesn't take a genius to work out that someone is cheating- But apparently guys, he wasn't, because we'd ended [I, however wasn't aware of the fact.] Not to worry though, as no hurt was intended (!) Yada yada. Whilst they were going through some struggles, whilst I was constantly trying to check up on how he was...I got told "I need space" They saw fit to give someone else the opportunity to support & care for them. Wow, huh.
      You know when you look back and know exactly where you went wrong yourself, apologised & would have happily talked it over, but cannot fathom why the other person could never understand your point of view? That is disappointing stuff right there! head over to my Insta to see a more insightful post. With this said, my door is always kindly open to unfinished business. 

The aggravating thing is that I think when you put two opposite people together, there are many differences to work through of course, but in my opinion, the intimacy is off the scale.. And maybe, I value that a whole lot more than other people.
Destruction follows, chaos follows. We all make mistakes; no-one's perfect, but I know that whatever move I make, I take accountability of it. Own up. I do at least like people to understand my logic! You have to accept that the energies are for your highest good. Toxic energy leaves for a reason- and I'm not talking about just relationships.

Thing is, when these things happen, I instantly think, oh it's my fault. What's wrong with me, I'm the denominator. What has someone else got that I haven't. My thoughts become obsessive and negative. NO LUCY NO
This was not good. Horrendous whilst I was keeping up appearances at work etc. Then my birthday came in Nov and I thought, screw it, if someone who I cared about could go behind my back like that, I deserve a respectful man; not someone who made me doubt myself. Someone who appreciates you, wants to understand you and your idiocracies. We need solid don't we, no silly games. 2020 is a time you gain that, even if that means being your own soulmate.

The power is our own. Our choices are our own. I put lots of things in motion last year yet it still didn't feel right. I need to trust my own choices and instincts more, but also take risks this year. I know that I can easily hold back on things that I particularly want but it equally scares me. So I sabotage it - or do I? I certainly don't deserve to be discarded. I have an appreciation of people with mental health issues. I work in MH. I always wish to support, but I won't tolerate anyone adding to my own stresses unless they take responsibility for their own actions. You reap what you sow. Hi Karma!

Your external world is a reflection of your internal world. Soo I'm taking inspiration from a previous post of mine: Boss babe Spiritually, 2020 will be a big, powerful year of change and reward. I'm hoping for physical manifestation. If you see the number 4 flying around, take that as a very positive sign from the Universe :-) 4 is power, foundation, elemental. I want to take heed of my above post and embrace self care & wellness. Consider healthy new habits and routines to get into better shape: reading more often, go for long walks, take up that hobby that should have happened in 2019...

So what will be on your Self Care List? Maybe try writing a small goal could be set for relationships, career, interests, physical/mental health, personal growth. Whatcha reckon, fancy joining me on a quest to let go of habits that hold you back, cope with stressful situations with more ease, plan fun things to do in advance, find a beautiful love, heal from grief ?? 


Friday, 8 November 2019

Life Thus Far: an overview

Woah, so my blogging activity has been TERRIBLE this year. I haven't felt much like journaling at all but due to the fact my last post was at the beginning of 2019, I need to compose one for the end of the year [near enough] ...So here goes, a bit of a good ole, wordy ramble.
       Ps. Guys, if you have read my blog and got a glimpse of my personality, my lack of posting is by no means intentional. I've not had the emotional energy or capacity this year 

So, as many know, this time of year is my favourite. The leaves turn to rich colours of gold and fall gracefully to the ground; the nights get darker [albeit, not so much to my liking], but Halloween/Samhain arrived, along with Bonfire night so I'm happy. I think it's a magical time and special in remembering those who have passed on. A time of reflection & reconnection

I have been seeing plenty of angel numbers in the last couple of weeks, so I am taking that as little nudges from above :) I find manifestation or law of attraction difficult but I'm hoping that by staying open & receptive, I shall receive what I most desire.. My mind is a collection of analysis, worry and multitasking currently, so fingers crossed, faith and persistence will see me through to the end of the year!

During Jan/Feb, my immune system decided to do a u-turn again so to be honest, I just felt a bit bleak for 2 months. Colds, sinusitis, norovirus...all that good stuff ;) ha, erm no.
       In April, my Grandmother fell very ill. She has had atrial fibrillation for years which is an irregular heart rate. She was in hospital for a few days but deteriorated at home; for a week all the family rallied round. We slept there, I took days off work...then back to hospital. Pacemaker fitted. She's definitely not got the energy she did have but at almost 87, she's still going- and that's the main thing! I focused very much on work in the following months; still am. I began some verrryy intense training in peer work. So this being, supporting and guiding people with mental health issues in their own recovery/journey. To be able to be said peer worker you have to have lived experience of mental health issues/brain injuries- it felt like a natural, next phase of life. It's very new in the UK and it's not really going as I expected but I will persist. I really want my story to help someone!

I feel like I've experienced a lot of changes this year, although, everything still feels very much 'up in the air'; maybe that's something that's been universally felt ? I have to remind myself often that I'm not that bad a person, even though shitty things do happen. Perhaps it is true that "you get what you're strong enough to handle." To that I always think, I'm strong enough, but maybe I'm not. Yet. At almost 32 and 15 years of turbulence, you'd think I was to be fair...We need to remember that we have to look back at what we have achieved, than what we have not. It's usually the case that if you look back at where you were a year ago, things have moved on a lot since. However, it can also be true that if you are asked on the spot to name 3 positive things about yours versus. negative, the latter can be easier to summarise. What a shame that is.
       Sadly, I fear that's how I've been feeling lately. The last 3 months of a year are really important & I'm not in the mindset I wanted to be. You reap what you sow, right? I'm a caring enough person with a warm heart; I like to help others, but I'm not really helping myself much. Esp. when some people just don't want your support however much you reach out! My personal life sucks and that never fails to get me down but then I let that lose my focus and that is SO wrong. Things like that can't rule your life but when you feel like an off-balance jigsaw, one's temper and headspace can soon snap!!

My dating life was fairly chequered until June, and now, well, lets go with plateaued; varying reasons. A pity really, I like(d?) this one a lot. Shan’t give up yet. I'm incredibly sick of dating- The majority of men bore me. Apologies fellas. Please read>> the dating underbelly
       Christmas, such a wonderful time to be alone too... (Yep, please do sense the sarcasm.) Less said the better about it all; in these circumstances I'd usually blame mercury retrograde, and in fact, yes I will blame it. Why not. It is a deep and murky one right now. Who knows, the universe might throw the good stuff back again. My luck can't be this bad! retrograde release

Anyway, it's my birthday soon and I have a week off leading up to it so I've got plans on the go for that :) & christmas presents to purchase. Single or not, I want to make it lovely. Even though there are things I'm still unhappy with, I've tried my best this year! We should pat ourselves on the back for those moments where you feel so blue but you put on whatever 'hat' you must, wear a smile and gradually, that smile becomes truth. I've had some crappy moments in Oct that took my anxieties/depression back to a few years ago..I've worked really hard on my mental health with the help of (mainly the mother) my support & I can't go back there. I've been purposefully making a habit of using prayer at night. I'm not religious, more agnostic and spiritual, obvs. When I whip out the crystals and incense and talk, particularly to my friend FĂ©nian, I know he’d want me to push on. He believed so much in me and I can't let him down, even when my emotions overburden me.

Hope my honesty does touch or help someone. Feel welcome to e-mail me! It's amazing how quickly times flies by. I definitely do feel like I need to put more thought into cherishing & embracing moments because time really is precious.

Friday, 1 February 2019

January Realisations.

So the dreaded January has vanished...and I for one am thrilled! I do hope 2018 was a productive one for all ? The new year is definitely in full swing and on paper, my month has been good, but in theory, I've hit some hurdles and it's affected my month. Thankfully, I'm a resilient character & have drowned thoughts out during the days {however, when you have had sinusitis for a week after not being ill in years, and feel ready for your next B12 shot, you know you need to do some cathartic writing!} 

For my own sanity/mental health and protection of a close family member, I don't wish to delve too much into the finer details, but dealing with negative events that occur within your own household are not topics you like to broadcast but lately, I am feeling particularly reflective and wish to discuss some serious matters...In the hope of reaching out to someone who perhaps deals with a Jekyll & hyde character. Or use it as you will!

No-one, especially someone close, should make you feel inadequate and doubt your own skills. For instance, empathy is very different to sympathy- 'feeling sorry' for a person or thinking about how you would feel in their situation, doesn't quite cut it. If you find that you're not getting the sufficient support you may need, I say...swim to another path, change direction. I always think of myself as family-oriented. I love all of my family; my brothers are everything, my nephews whom I adore, every single person, but you sometimes become aware of bad vibes that make you second guess yourself, why? Why should any-one make you feel discouraged or dampen your spirit

Sometimes, you realise who is true to you and who isn't. I find it really tough if said people are actually 'family'. In my opinion, the definition of the word means support, security, someone who shares your problems:: Many nurturing connotations right!?

Now surely, family (or friends) shape our personalities- we learn from one another through our lives; they boost self-confidence, speak truths, grow from mistakes, own responsibility....
       If you suddenly find the opposite happening, what do you do? Cut ties, remove the toxicity, resume routines, accept unwarranted opinions? Unfortunately, it's happened to me previously with someone, and it's a horrible feeling. Eventually, you confront it head on, you talk, argue even, agree to disagree, forgive but never forget, explain your reasoning for removal. Thankfully, it all worked out, talking and listening in a non-judgmental manner was hugely advantageous!! I just hope my latest situation sorts out just the same...

If you've followed my blog or looked back at my previous posts, you will have read that I've had a tad of a rollercoaster ride since I was 16. Now I can't stress enough that I have never made an excuse of anything in my life due to the fact of having brain surgery- but due this fact, I was changed as a person but I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I may have hit a bad patch some time ago, but I work hard at being me & haters aren't wanted! I won't tolerate negative verbal diatribe headed towards either my mother, or me. When you have the biggest fan who happens to be your mum, anyone knows how strong that bond is.
       So, is any of this familiar to you !? I'd love to hear some stories or tips on how you respond...
For now, happy February ❤️

Wednesday, 3 October 2018

Life thus Far: an overview

It's that time of year again guys!! My favourite season..although, saying that, we've had such a gorgeous summer in the UK this year, that I haven't wanted Autumn to begin if I'm honest. The year has also massively whizzed by and I find it completely bewildering that it's October- am I alone in that? It's been a whirlwind, right!?
Anyway, I reckoned that I haven't checked in with you all properly, and a lot has gone on, life wise [and plenty, not so much.] This post was actually going to be something quite different, but it's time for a lowdown...

Let's see....well, it's Autumn: the cosy, snuggly season, and I'm laughing to myself because, yes people, I'm still single. Now, don't think I'm like, overly upset about this. Just stating a fact. I've been “single” for a lonnng time now and it’s got me intrigued looking at relationships around me.. Do I miss a significant other, do I crave it, do I worry about finding “it”. Honestly; at times. (which is what dating is for) Then I look deeper at couples and can see the cracks and the neediness. Not everyone, but some. I like that I don’t need someone..I don’t need to depend on that someone. I see lots of people jump from 1 person to the next. Plain silly. It would be lovely to find a fella but I had the real deal once & it flawed me and now, I’ll only turn for the next real deal..

mental health *trigger warning* As mentioned above, I wanted to write a different post today- it was going to be related around CBT and how you can intertwine it yourself using self-care. Work-wise, life hasn't been kind to me this year. I feel like I've had inner struggles these last couple of months, whereby my thoughts turned negative and racing. My thought processes were all off.. my mind has definitely been focusing on if's, but's & cant's. I'm pretty much certain I've had a trade off of anxiety issues following my brain surgery in '04 and I've been vocal in my difficulties in the last few years, but I've managed to cope with self perseverance but lately I've felt, I don't know, inadequate. Unconfident in my abilities, comparing oneself and wondering if I'll hit the milestones I crave, or whether I'm just unworthy of life. As previously written, one of my dearest friend's committed suicide 5 years ago..I miss him every day & when a negative thought emerges, the universe makes me think of him & the great things I have achieved and to come. Keep your thoughts positive, because they manifest instantly into form, whatever the feeling; Focus only upon your desires and not upon your fears.

topsy-turvey life issues Over the past few weeks, my family's life have gone off quilter slightly. One of my older brother's was very sadly and fearfully, put into an induced coma. I don't wish to go into details and the reasons why and so forth, as it's unfair. It's been a struggle though for the whole family. He's pulled through but there's a long journey ahead for him and the outcome is uncertain at the mo. I just hope there's light at the end of the tunnel.
     However!! I am to become an auntie soon to twin boys...big gulp. It'll be the best birthday present for me ever, haha. Despite the rollercoaster we're all enduring, this is definitely a blessing, and I'm so pleased for my brother and sis-in-law. It'll be a busy few months ahead. New beginnings!

general life chit-chat I went away in July to South Cornwall which was stunning. I love the area anyway, but in the glorious sunshine it was so lovely. If you're a fan of the show Poldark, get yourself there. Charlestown is a must. Untouched and reeks of Aidan Turner ;-) haha. It was great to blow the cobwebs away and have gratitude for untouched beauty and the beauty in my own life, but reality does have a habit of stinging you back again! Last month, I've had to have my bloods taken several times, as I found out I suffer from B12 deficiency which has meant have a loading dose of 6 injections, so that's been fun (on 3 occasions, I became ill..) As my body cannot absorb the vitamin, I apparently had been living on empty essentially for a while. Stand by to hear of any cognitive, physiological & emotional improvements! Perhaps some of my "foggy head" symptoms will disappear.  

So, lovely ones, that's the extent of the last few months for me. As noted, the weather here was simply beautiful so my getaway to Cornwall was pretty much idyllic. Thus said, I'm going to force myself to embrace Autumn. (I rarely have to say that!) This year, it feels particularly difficult...I'm not where I thought I'd be, and with the big C word approaching, well, I'm not ready for this year to end!! But whilst it's still here, I hope to bask in the sumptuous colours of Fall, rejuvenate oneself in salt water baths, indulge in guilt-free gingerbread & mince pies and spend priceless time with family & friends..
     Who'll join me on this journey...? Take care :-)