January Realisations.

So the dreaded January has vanished...and I for one am thrilled! I do hope 2018 was a productive one for all ? The new year is definitely in full swing and on paper, my month has been good, but in theory, I've hit some hurdles and it's affected my month. Thankfully, I'm a resilient character & have drowned thoughts out during the days {however, when you have had sinusitis for a week after not being ill in years, and feel ready for your next B12 shot, you know you need to do some cathartic writing!} 

For my own sanity/mental health and protection of a close family member, I don't wish to delve too much into the finer details, but dealing with negative events that occur within your own household are not topics you like to broadcast but lately, I am feeling particularly reflective and wish to discuss some serious matters...In the hope of reaching out to someone who perhaps deals with a Jekyll & hyde character. Or use it as you will!

No-one, especially someone close, should make you feel inadequate and doubt your own skills. For instance, empathy is very different to sympathy- 'feeling sorry' for a person or thinking about how you would feel in their situation, doesn't quite cut it. If you find that you're not getting the sufficient support you may need, I say...swim to another path, change direction. I always think of myself as family-oriented. I love all of my family; my brothers are everything, my nephews whom I adore, every single person, but you sometimes become aware of bad vibes that make you second guess yourself, why? Why should any-one make you feel discouraged or dampen your spirit

Sometimes, you realise who is true to you and who isn't. I find it really tough if said people are actually 'family'. In my opinion, the definition of the word means support, security, someone who shares your problems:: Many nurturing connotations right!?

Now surely, family (or friends) shape our personalities- we learn from one another through our lives; they boost self-confidence, speak truths, grow from mistakes, own responsibility....
       If you suddenly find the opposite happening, what do you do? Cut ties, remove the toxicity, resume routines, accept unwarranted opinions? Unfortunately, it's happened to me previously with someone, and it's a horrible feeling. Eventually, you confront it head on, you talk, argue even, agree to disagree, forgive but never forget, explain your reasoning for removal. Thankfully, it all worked out, talking and listening in a non-judgmental manner was hugely advantageous!! I just hope my latest situation sorts out just the same...

If you've followed my blog or looked back at my previous posts, you will have read that I've had a tad of a rollercoaster ride since I was 16. Now I can't stress enough that I have never made an excuse of anything in my life due to the fact of having brain surgery- but due this fact, I was changed as a person but I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I may have hit a bad patch some time ago, but I work hard at being me & haters aren't wanted! I won't tolerate negative verbal diatribe headed towards either my mother, or me. When you have the biggest fan who happens to be your mum, anyone knows how strong that bond is.
     
       So, is any of this familiar to you !? I'd love to hear some stories or tips on how you respond...
For now, happy February ❤️

Life thus Far: an overview

It's that time of year again guys!! My favourite season..although, saying that, we've had such a gorgeous summer in the UK this year, that I haven't wanted Autumn to begin if I'm honest. The year has also massively whizzed by and I find it completely bewildering that it's October- am I alone in that? It's been a whirlwind, right!?

Anyway, I reckoned that I haven't checked in with you all properly, and a lot has gone on, life wise [and plenty, not so much.] This post was actually going to be something quite different, but it's time for a lowdown...

Let's see....well, it's Autumn: the cosy, snuggly season, and I'm laughing to myself because, yes people, I'm still single. Now, don't think I'm like, overly upset about this. Just stating a fact. I've been “single” for a lonnng time now and it’s got me intrigued looking at relationships around me.. Do I miss a significant other, do I crave it, do I worry about finding “it”. Honestly; at times. (which is what dating is for) Then I look deeper at couples and can see the cracks and the neediness. Not everyone, but some. I like that I don’t need someone..I don’t need to depend on that someone. I see lots of people jump from 1 person to the next. Plain silly. It would be lovely to find a fella but I had the real deal once & it flawed me and now, I’ll only turn for the next real deal..
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mental health *trigger warning* As mentioned above, I wanted to write a different post today- it was going to be related around CBT and how you can intertwine it yourself using self-care. Work-wise, life hasn't been kind to me this year. I feel like I've had inner struggles these last couple of months, whereby my thoughts turned negative and racing. My thought processes were all off.. my mind has definitely been focusing on if's, but's & cant's. I'm pretty much certain I've had a trade off of anxiety issues following my brain surgery in '04 and I've been vocal in my difficulties in the last few years, but I've managed to cope with self perseverance but lately I've felt, I don't know, inadequate. Unconfident in my abilities, comparing oneself and wondering if I'll hit the milestones I crave, or whether I'm just unworthy of life. As previously written, one of my dearest friend's committed suicide 5 years ago..I miss him every day & when a negative thought emerges, the universe makes me think of him & the great things I have achieved and to come. Keep your thoughts positive, because they manifest instantly into form, whatever the feeling; Focus only upon your desires and not upon your fears.

topsy-turvey life issues Over the past few weeks, my family's life have gone off quilter slightly. One of my older brother's was very sadly and fearfully, put into an induced coma. I don't wish to go into details and the reasons why and so forth, as it's unfair. It's been a struggle though for the whole family. He's pulled through but there's a long journey ahead for him and the outcome is uncertain at the mo. I just hope there's light at the end of the tunnel.
     However!! I am to become an auntie soon to twin boys...big gulp. It'll be the best birthday present for me ever, haha. Despite the rollercoaster we're all enduring, this is definitely a blessing, and I'm so pleased for my brother and sis-in-law. It'll be a busy few months ahead. New beginnings!



general life chit-chat I went away in July to South Cornwall which was stunning. I love the area anyway, but in the glorious sunshine it was so lovely. If you're a fan of the show Poldark, get yourself there. Charlestown is a must. Untouched and reeks of Aidan Turner ;-) haha. It was great to blow the cobwebs away and have gratitude for untouched beauty and the beauty in my own life, but reality does have a habit of stinging you back again! Last month, I've had to have my bloods taken several times, as I found out I suffer from B12 deficiency which has meant have a loading dose of 6 injections, so that's been fun (on 3 occasions, I became ill..) As my body cannot absorb the vitamin, I apparently had been living on empty essentially for a while. Stand by to hear of any cognitive, physiological & emotional improvements! Perhaps some of my "foggy head" symptoms will disappear.  

So, lovely ones, that's the extent of the last few months for me. As noted, the weather here was simply beautiful so my getaway to Cornwall was pretty much idyllic. Thus said, I'm going to force myself to embrace Autumn. (I rarely have to say that!) This year, it feels particularly difficult...I'm not where I thought I'd be, and with the big C word approaching, well, I'm not ready for this year to end!! But whilst it's still here, I hope to bask in the sumptuous colours of Fall, rejuvenate oneself in salt water baths, indulge in guilt-free gingerbread & mince pies and spend priceless time with family & friends..
     Who'll join me on this journey...? Take care :-)

Putting up a Fight.

I've been quiet again haven't I guys !? I suck. Haha. Seriously though, I keep meaning to sit and write my posts but I want to steer clear of any of my negative thoughts and provide some positivity and advice. That said, whilst reading back, I think what I do write is honest and true to myself & I should stick to that… So, today I am "out of sorts! My enthusiasm for doing things is a bit low {I'm blaming the autumnal weather & toothache that has emerged} but whilst I'm feeling a bit unproductive with my free day, I've made it my priority to get you back to speed! :-)

Soo, a month on and we've found ourselves in the depths of autumn. Since my last post, I definitely feel like karma has been on my side a teeny bit more- which is great! {she says, whilst touching wood} I'm just hoping and trying to build myself up even more since I'm now in my favourite season..Halloween, bonfires, fireworks, my birthday(!), christmas. love love love.             
       When I've had the time, spending so much more time with friends & family has helped over the past few weeks. I've also focused my energies on other peoples' troubles. It's kind've deviated from mine haha. It really is true that even in the darkest of places, the truest and most loyal of people will stick by you. I've been pretty lucky there…and for all of you, look and you'll see those people who surround you. Never let them go. They are there to help. Keep fighting.

I hereby apologise for the above filthy use of language in said quote..but it cannot be helped. I know also that some judgy people may oppose to soo many quotes but sometimes, you can't think of the words that really are in your mind. You know I'm right !! 

It definitely does bother me somewhat, the lack of fight that people have. Gone are the days where people don't throw things away instantly. That said, I suppose people have their reasons, I'd just love to hear them is all… 

       As aforementioned, I've focused on other people and helped them with their pain. My dad is still going through his C treatment, but the C cells have lessoned, thus he will soon be in a state of remission. We hope. However, my mum had her own recent breast cancer scare having had a lot of pain in that area, so I supported her at a scan. Results were negative. Thank bloody god! I couldn't cope with more illness :-(

My mum. La belle. What a star!

  

So yes, onwards & upwards, this post is. It can be frustrating to explain how your feelings are an ever changing roller coaster but I had a lovely summer really, all things considered; visited plenty of new places & FINALLY saw the RAF Red Arrows perform. Despite the fact that satan [the ex] was/is a pilot, I wasn't going to let him take my enjoyment of planes away. I loved them long before I met his sorry ass haha. I probably should upload all my photos but in fairness, I haven't gotten around to sorting them all out.

Speaking of men, or lack of- My want of a nice date is going on my to-do list. I am so sick of my non interest in any guy. It's completely absurd. I'm fighting my need for a man in my life [[for mostly sexual reasons if I'm being honest]] with the fact that many repulse me (sorry!).. Sucky, sucky brain of mine!

Honestly, if anyone has any tips in fighting this single status, bring them my way. How was your Summer ??

Life thus Far: an overview

Well, it is August and two months since my last post. Unfortunately, this current post does not find me in the happiest of mindsets. July has been a horrific month for varying reasons: -  

My Mr KB can now be known as "the boyfriend which once was"- and I don't think of that fondly at all. (I just don't particularly wish to call him an ex). In June, we hit a rocky patch, which I stupidly thought was sorted, despite my better judgement. It took a weekend of closed off coldness and distance from him, plus a dodgy text whereby I had to decipher and decode what it was he was trying to say, before I realised that I may as well become single. Fabulous!!!                                                             
         To be honest, I did not realise I was in a relationship with the lion from the Wizard of Oz haha; As much courage as a fly..or my cat- Now she is a full blown scaredy cat! So all those memories I made within the year and a half seem a bit pointless now. I'd rather erase them and start from scratch with someone new…life is cruel and impossibly heart wrenching at times. 

It was my friend Fénian's anniversary of his death the same week the same week the above happened and we parted ways. A week after that it also would have Fénian's  27th birthday. Wow, life, you certainly know how to shower a girl with kindness :-/ 

I also began a new job role. Which selfishly I needed a boyfriend for. I'm a strong woman but I also have no qualms in stating that I need certain people in my life to "pick me up", to make me feel better and to guide me. Mr KB was one of those things, I always saw him as my best friend, my future, a soul mate if you will. Funny how those terms of endearment can turn quickly into "You Great Big Twat!" 

My family then had to endure the fact the my father has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Oh yeah. Life is fun. 

When I look back at my previous posts, when I was single or when I first started dating the boyfriend which once was, I shudder and wonder whether I was right all along, that perhaps relationships and me work on paper but result in barriers Life Thus Far: an overview Are the Gods trying to tell me something!? All I know is this…I made a conscious decision last year that I was sick of being single, tired of casual flings and was looking for "The One". Clearly my relationship was built on lies. I'm not going to go into details but faults were on both sides, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted mine. Perhaps that is a sign of maturity. When I speak to my grandmother, she is from an Era where people fought for marriages to work, people didn't give up easily, they dedicated their life to someone and loved them. They worked out what was wrong and found solutions to their problems. 

Now, I know this isn't a very optimistic post but I won't leave it on a negative notion. This past month has been a roller coaster of events and emotions. My life has never been smooth sailing and it persists in continuing to be full of ups and downs. I've had to a put a facade on every day to be honest…going to work in the week and spending weekends in self pity.. ranting to family and friends about my loathing of the boyfriend which once was. What I can honestly glean now is that I loved my boyfriend more than he did me. I was willing to make things work despite any difficulties that might arise in the future. It seems I could never compete with the allure of gadgets, bachelorism or hobbies :-/ (Not that I'd want to take that away from a bloke)
         I've been picking myself up and get back on the horse, have a little bit of fun. I can't spend time feeling hurt anymore- he isn't, in fact he has been so calculating, cruel and cold that he is probably relieved, loving life & not caring about little ole me! If someone wants you in their life, they make it happen. I do deserve more than a little boy who feels dedicating his life to just a career is more important than including a partner in that as well and exclaiming that I would even compromise said career. Cheers! Personally, I think that is pretty bizarre. As I previously noted, I have faults. I didn't wholly support the little boy's career choice from day Uno but most women would completley echo my reasons why. It is hard for me to have had no goodbye, to have been shunned and not spoken to in any friendly way, when I put so many eggs into my basket and developed such a strong bond with a man- I realise now he just fell out of love!!
          In some ways I'm glad to know I haven't evolved past having feelings, having morals, decency, politeness and kindness! I think I could have more respect for someone if they were actually brave enough to be a friend but it's time to look forward and hope that I can feel contentment & an emotional/physical bond with someone new, I'm done with being toyed with like a dog, where maintaining contact doesn't seem likely from their point of view :-/ Right now, yeah I'd probably love to have my old life back but I don't foresee it soo…..See you later Mr wolf in sheep's clothing!

Perfect Mantra's!!!

Any advice/thoughts on this matter, send them my way! Ever been in a situation where you honestly feel someone has made a big mistake?

Joy of Christmas!

Hello! I do hope this finds everyone well, and a fabulous Christmas has been had. I do love this time of year.. cold weather aside (that ruins your hair). However, I feel that visits us far too quickly these days. With the hustle and bustle of life, I think it just creeps up. It also leaves very quickly. I popped into town this afternoon for some appointments. What I didn't expect was the vultures of sales shoppers!! When I was a young girl, Christmas extended for days after the 25th, what's happened??

What has been lovely, is the mini break I've had from work, and time with all my family and friends :) As I grow older, I crave for things money cannot buy. However, I cannot wait for a holiday next year, a house to call my own, and perhaps a tattoo or two to go with my tragus piercing! Ahh dreams..