Hands up masochists!!

Emotional Masochism.

Now there's a opening statement for you! I was having a read through my blog and how I wish to enhance it to its full potential {because it really needs it!} Anyway, I was thinking to myself, "What would my readers like to read; articles about beauty, fashion, adventures...which I do love. Or real life? Some insights into my soul, my personal issues or just my everyday life"-- And from this, I discovered that my readers get the most satisfaction from reading about how I get through life with the added pressures that may come about, due to internal struggles that have occurred from time to time.
       So I'm sticking with that! If you feel differently or think of anything I could improve upon, let me know..I'm just a message away guys!

In my last post [sorry, how long ago Luce?] we were in the depths of Spring, well now we have here our Summer Solstice, yay :-) Offering us some flighty, warm feels, hope and fiery energy. Yes? Well not for everyone. I'm doing well but not everyone has those sunny, light emotions and it can be an isolating, confusing time for some. We have also endured, as a Universe, some horrific Terror attacks, natural disasters and fires. The list is endless and devastating, but this in itself can make may a person quite fearful.

For those who suffer from an invisible/mental illness, just because there is a lightness or warmth in the air, it doesn't mean that their troubles just disappear, and unfortunately not everyone has the skill of empathy to understand that fact. For some people, getting out of bed in the morning is a huge task; they may torment themselves for not being happy*, be on the verge of tears.   *never feel bad about that
       For example, we're half way through the year which can flood us with some tricky astro alignments that can cause the worry about your next steps in life's next cycle. Do you ever feel like this? It can seem like one step forward & two back, and in the past six months I've definitely had feelings of…'what have I learned, am I fitter, why haven't I dated, have I saved enough ££' This kind of masochism makes you feel as though you're on a rollercoaster 100% of the time. Perhaps flip those thoughts and consider the rollercoaster as a practice run: Life is a journey!
       There can be pressure during the longer, brighter days to not emotionally hibernate or get stuck in a loop. This surely is tough going if your 'get up & go' has flown. I say it alll the time, but as it is summer, get yourself out in nature, exercise, listen to birdsong, bring colourful, aromatic flowers indoors. Trust that it'll improve your wellbeing, even if it's just a smidge.

Carrie Bradshaw proclaims "I must be some sort of masochist or something" - SATC.

Why do we do this. Go round in circles. We know it's bad, we know it's insane but still, there's a lingering self-flagellation going on…the subconsious want of experiencing pain and ache, even though it does you no good. La Douleur Exquise. It's a pretty sadomasochism point of view but it's true. It's pain that becomes more intense, psychosomatic. A flood of worry and uncertainty can consume a person so quickly, even when life has been improving. Enough-Don't do it-Don't destroy the good elixir! Find that helpful resource and focus on that; be it a friend, parent, an animal or therapist. I recently heard that the most evolved people are the most broken. Who knows if that is true, but that colourful past you have, embrace it. Emotionally torturing oneself over & over will only lead to heartache. Think of law of attraction, you've done the work so the world will do the rest- we need to learn to let things shift for the better by themselves...

If you can take any tips from me, which I hope someone can, remember that the year is not over. Life is not over for you. Perhaps an open heart can lead to an open mind & anything can happen. Good, bad, sometimes we never know but 2017 in particular is all about new beginnings and manifestation. Use that to your advantage; live those days, don't question why you're doing so well and then revert back to type in a state of emotional chaos. Is it worth it? 

Putting up a Fight.

I've been quiet again haven't I guys !? I suck. Haha. Seriously though, I keep meaning to sit and write my posts but I want to steer clear of any of my negative thoughts and provide some positivity and advice. That said, whilst reading back, I think what I do write is honest and true to myself & I should stick to that… So, today I am "out of sorts! My enthusiasm for doing things is a bit low {I'm blaming the autumnal weather & toothache that has emerged} but whilst I'm feeling a bit unproductive with my free day, I've made it my priority to get you back to speed! :-)

Soo, a month on and we've found ourselves in the depths of autumn. Since my last post, I definitely feel like karma has been on my side a teeny bit more- which is great! {she says, whilst touching wood} I'm just hoping and trying to build myself up even more since I'm now in my favourite season..Halloween, bonfires, fireworks, my birthday(!), christmas. love love love.             
       When I've had the time, spending so much more time with friends & family has helped over the past few weeks. I've also focused my energies on other peoples' troubles. It's kind've deviated from mine haha. It really is true that even in the darkest of places, the truest and most loyal of people will stick by you. I've been pretty lucky there…and for all of you, look and you'll see those people who surround you. Never let them go. They are there to help. Keep fighting.

I hereby apologise for the above filthy use of language in said quote..but it cannot be helped. I know also that some judgy people may oppose to soo many quotes but sometimes, you can't think of the words that really are in your mind. You know I'm right !! 

It definitely does bother me somewhat, the lack of fight that people have. Gone are the days where people don't throw things away instantly. That said, I suppose people have their reasons, I'd just love to hear them is all… 

       As aforementioned, I've focused on other people and helped them with their pain. My dad is still going through his C treatment, but the C cells have lessoned, thus he will soon be in a state of remission. We hope. However, my mum had her own recent breast cancer scare having had a lot of pain in that area, so I supported her at a scan. Results were negative. Thank bloody god! I couldn't cope with more illness :-(

My mum. La belle. What a star!

  

So yes, onwards & upwards, this post is. It can be frustrating to explain how your feelings are an ever changing roller coaster but I had a lovely summer really, all things considered; visited plenty of new places & FINALLY saw the RAF Red Arrows perform. Despite the fact that satan [the ex] was/is a pilot, I wasn't going to let him take my enjoyment of planes away. I loved them long before I met his sorry ass haha. I probably should upload all my photos but in fairness, I haven't gotten around to sorting them all out.

Speaking of men, or lack of- My want of a nice date is going on my to-do list. I am so sick of my non interest in any guy. It's completely absurd. I'm fighting my need for a man in my life [[for mostly sexual reasons if I'm being honest]] with the fact that many repulse me (sorry!).. Sucky, sucky brain of mine!

Honestly, if anyone has any tips in fighting this single status, bring them my way. How was your Summer ??

Life thus Far: an overview

Well, it is August and two months since my last post. Unfortunately, this current post does not find me in the happiest of mindsets. July has been a horrific month for varying reasons: -  

My Mr KB can now be known as "the boyfriend which once was"- and I don't think of that fondly at all. (I just don't particularly wish to call him an ex). In June, we hit a rocky patch, which I stupidly thought was sorted, despite my better judgement. It took a weekend of closed off coldness and distance from him, plus a dodgy text whereby I had to decipher and decode what it was he was trying to say, before I realised that I may as well become single. Fabulous!!!                                                             
         To be honest, I did not realise I was in a relationship with the lion from the Wizard of Oz haha; As much courage as a fly..or my cat- Now she is a full blown scaredy cat! So all those memories I made within the year and a half seem a bit pointless now. I'd rather erase them and start from scratch with someone new…life is cruel and impossibly heart wrenching at times. 

It was my friend Fénian's anniversary of his death the same week the same week the above happened and we parted ways. A week after that it also would have Fénian's  27th birthday. Wow, life, you certainly know how to shower a girl with kindness :-/ 

I also began a new job role. Which selfishly I needed a boyfriend for. I'm a strong woman but I also have no qualms in stating that I need certain people in my life to "pick me up", to make me feel better and to guide me. Mr KB was one of those things, I always saw him as my best friend, my future, a soul mate if you will. Funny how those terms of endearment can turn quickly into "You Great Big Twat!" 

My family then had to endure the fact the my father has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Oh yeah. Life is fun. 

When I look back at my previous posts, when I was single or when I first started dating the boyfriend which once was, I shudder and wonder whether I was right all along, that perhaps relationships and me work on paper but result in barriers Life Thus Far: an overview Are the Gods trying to tell me something!? All I know is this…I made a conscious decision last year that I was sick of being single, tired of casual flings and was looking for "The One". Clearly my relationship was built on lies. I'm not going to go into details but faults were on both sides, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted mine. Perhaps that is a sign of maturity. When I speak to my grandmother, she is from an Era where people fought for marriages to work, people didn't give up easily, they dedicated their life to someone and loved them. They worked out what was wrong and found solutions to their problems. 

Now, I know this isn't a very optimistic post but I won't leave it on a negative notion. This past month has been a roller coaster of events and emotions. My life has never been smooth sailing and it persists in continuing to be full of ups and downs. I've had to a put a facade on every day to be honest…going to work in the week and spending weekends in self pity.. ranting to family and friends about my loathing of the boyfriend which once was. What I can honestly glean now is that I loved my boyfriend more than he did me. I was willing to make things work despite any difficulties that might arise in the future. It seems I could never compete with the allure of gadgets, bachelorism or hobbies :-/ (Not that I'd want to take that away from a bloke)
         I've been picking myself up and get back on the horse, have a little bit of fun. I can't spend time feeling hurt anymore- he isn't, in fact he has been so calculating, cruel and cold that he is probably relieved, loving life & not caring about little ole me! If someone wants you in their life, they make it happen. I do deserve more than a little boy who feels dedicating his life to just a career is more important than including a partner in that as well and exclaiming that I would even compromise said career. Cheers! Personally, I think that is pretty bizarre. As I previously noted, I have faults. I didn't wholly support the little boy's career choice from day Uno but most women would completley echo my reasons why. It is hard for me to have had no goodbye, to have been shunned and not spoken to in any friendly way, when I put so many eggs into my basket and developed such a strong bond with a man- I realise now he just fell out of love!!
          In some ways I'm glad to know I haven't evolved past having feelings, having morals, decency, politeness and kindness! I think I could have more respect for someone if they were actually brave enough to be a friend but it's time to look forward and hope that I can feel contentment & an emotional/physical bond with someone new, I'm done with being toyed with like a dog, where maintaining contact doesn't seem likely from their point of view :-/ Right now, yeah I'd probably love to have my old life back but I don't foresee it soo…..See you later Mr wolf in sheep's clothing!

Perfect Mantra's!!!

Any advice/thoughts on this matter, send them my way! Ever been in a situation where you honestly feel someone has made a big mistake?

Panic stations at the ready!

So fellow bloggers, it has been an age. I have finished my degree, hurrah!! I have completely subsumed myself in work this year; be it: placement full time, assignments, portfolio and dissertation. It's not been much fun and there are still hoops to jump so to become absolutely qualified as a Social Worker. I am ecstatic it is done but I cannot shake off the feeling of being in limbo and final grades worry me. I don't know where to turn... I am in need of quick cash but jobs are few and far between. I guess I need to relax for a while :-)

Since February, I have been dating this amazing person (Mr KB, for now). I say this all loosely, as you may have read my exploits in my post Single Mundanities? but I do not wish to jinx this one. I like him far too much! Anyway, he has enabled me to have a few distractions from my academic work and instead of joining in on the "drinking escapades" that known peers have endured, I spent my time having dates with said person. Very lovely dates. 

During the last bank holiday, he flew me (yes, flew) to the seaside. Excited is an understatement, it's so much fun!!

That's it on this expedition. I feel I need to keep my mouth shut as men and me... work on paper but there's always a shed load of barriers in the way. I have many plans for my own future and I must get a move on, five years of my 20's left...oh lordy!! For the imminent future, I plan to immerse myself in challenges and this here blog :-)

What adventures have you had recently/or would like to experience?