Life Thus Far: an overview

Oh my oh my, sweet friends. I am SO delayed!! If there was an award for procrastination that would definitely go to me; the master {not that I condone procrastinating!}… I have also realised that I haven't posted a LTF series in an exceedingly long time so, without further ado…

The weather here in Britain has been particularly unpredictable which is kind've wreaking havoc with my moods (and head; my shunt reacts to weather!), so I've not felt I've had the chance to really sit and write up about what's been going on lately, so I'm sitting here with my incense on whilst my cat pesters me for attention; it's as best a time as any eh!! 
       Do you ever sense a surge of overwhelment coming your way, like me?? I tell you, I was all guns blazing in January; I really wanted to kick start 2017 with a bang and "let that sh*t go" but by February, things starting going haywire again. Not in a bad way but things starting going wrong. I don't know if it's the fact that I've become a tad more in tune with spirituality or if it's just life being a bitch, ha….Anyway, today I'm focused on the affirmation found in Katie Piper's book Start Your Day With Katie: 365 Affirmations for a Year of Positive Thinking which I've used religiously: - 

'Seek harmony in your soul and kindness in the people close to you; happiness found in material things will not bring you lasting joy.'

I think that is such a comforting statement! When I think of this, what I consider is that I've definitely spent the last few months clearing out what doesn't serve me. I mean, as you may have read, my persona can flip a lot and as much as I can feel overwhelming, there's also so much oomph within me. My father, as I noted in my last post, had been poorly on&off since November; he's been feeling better for a couple of months so that's lifted some heavy clouds that were lingering!!

With a tendency to over-think and rethink, I decided to take advantage of the Spring Equinox & re-align and balance those scales, so to speak…it can be easy for some of us to jump from decision to decision and feel like you're 'all over the place', but that's where Spring can help to ease us into a sense of harmony, renewal & reassess some priorities. 
        So I took the opportunity to look for some volunteer work, on the side. I started some training in Feb/March at a homeless emergency nightshelter so yep, loving my shifts there. I've done plenty of volunteering in my time but working with the homeless is something I've wanted to pursue for a long time! I still feel like my journey is ongoing; my dreams are still there to attain but I'm always off on a tangent! However, you have to trust that the universe will offer you great changes in divine timing :)

The purpose you aspire to is always there so I continue going forward, and if it helps anyone, my advice is to get out in nature if you need help in cleansing and expanding your soul. Nature is breathtaking with its untouched beauty and there really is something so purifying about being around it (even if you bring it indoors- note my precious cactus above). A New Moon is coming up this Wednesday that's heading into the sign of Taurus so that calls for bullish energy that'll keep us grounded and fuel newfound wisdom, so take hold of reliable and earthly feels!

Stowe, National Trust, Buckingham

I adore this capture I snapped; it's as if the heavens are breaking through with our angels. Enchanted. So, lovely folks, I'll leave you with that. I intend to carry on keeping my dreams in sight, continue learning & doing new things and steer clear of negative emotional entanglements - has the year started off how you intended? Or perhaps your desires or intentions have changed? Let me know, I'd love to hear and trade stories…

…and ps. our moon cycles can offer us so much subconscious information, so listen to your intuition always, and if you're a deep thinker who follows the watery fluidity of your many thoughts, just think, you're probably a mermaid ;-) Take care guys!

A "28 & a half shock to the system" sort of day.

   Hi there Guys!

Blogging. My blog.. Something I've clearly forgotten existed. Wellll, you know me, life gets in the way and my writer's block takes over…To be honest, I will not engulf you with my self pity and actually give the blogosphere/my readers some actual continual material, yes!?

      Back in June, I received an e-mail from one of my fave restaurants; TGI Fridays. They gave me a voucher as it's halfway through the year until my birthday. Anyway, I've now given it some thought..Halfway you see, until I'm 29. Celebrating 29 years of age..Gulp! I nearly chocked on my coffee.

This year is going by so fast, and if you've read my blog, you'll see what a roller coaster of a life I'm living. In recent months, nothing is new there. In fact, I've gone through so many differing emotions and ups and downs- broken record, right? Thus said, this summer has been different for me. I've been a little bit more seclusive I suppose. Elusive & selective to whom I choose to spent time with.
      These past two years have been weird and so very unexpected! But when you sit back and breathe in the world, you see that life is very odd. Weather is crazy, people are strange and media (social&beyond) is downright soul-destroying. It makes you understand more how the select group of us who do not follow the crowd or "be a certain way to please others" or flaunt yourself in a Dorian-Gray-style (as I now refer to it!), are susceptible to suffer from, emotional issues, for instance.

I am a type A human. Yep, I over-analyse, over-think, I write lists [tons of lists], I think about long-term plans, I'm impatient; so sometimes, living in the present and concentrating on something you really enjoy- such as writing, can be difficult to master, ya know? I'm someone who can see the value of work and sacrifice, and the need to look a few steps ahead, but we cannot always control it can we? It's something that anxiety sufferers can probably relate to. I dislike feeling like my life isn't sailing along tickety boo, ever since my illness. So, over these past few months, I've been determined to remain in the present more and more.

A new motto perhaps lovely ones….

Simple but effective. Life is a tricky little lady but here's what I'm taking from this.. Be a shepherd in life. Assert yourself powerfully in order to achieve your goals. There's nothing wrong with exuding your self-worth, but do it in a humble way to help others, not to please or to feel validated [we need no song and dance] Do it all on the quiet and it'll be the positivity that shines!

So, what I've been looking at doing, since I had my mini heart attack at the realisation of my 20s coming to an ever nearer close, is defining some achievable goals that I can use a benchmark. They are the destination yes, but focusing on the journey is far more important. Worrying about future goals are one of the main issues for those with mental health issues, I feel. So try & rewire your brain to see goals as interesting challenges that are in reach: realistic. I'm all over that realism!

1) Pursing more knowledge & development within social work career. I like knowing what path I'm on and having all my chickens in the basket, but right now, living in the moment and seeking adventure is much less pressure for me..so having fun goals is very important. However, knowing that where I'd like to be career-wise is essential but I won't be conforming to deadlines; my past self is gone and I still aim to improve!

2) Upping the fitness regime. Working out makes you look good and feel good ^^ I want to eventually have an overhaul on my working out, improving my overall health and well being with physical fitness,  which in turn, maintains my pretty unnoticeable left-sided weakness & coordination probs. All of this makes you walk around with an abundance of kindness.

3) Owning my own home. I don't want to set myself up to fail, so I'm giving no timeframe. The ebb & flow of life will get me to where I wish to be. Destiny, people, destiny. The main thing to bear in mind is that whether or not you achieve your dreams, “It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it”. Focus on your growth.

4) Adopt another pet. I'm a huge animal lover and if anything, they de-stress me. My overall personality is of warmth but due that pesky type A and my own internal pressures, I can lash out and obviously, I'd prefer not to!

5) FUN goals. As mentioned above, adventure is important, so there a fair few here that I'd love to accomplish..One step at a time remember. They are as follows, take some horse riding & flying lessons, join dance and fitness classes, and learn to play an instrument. These are all basically life long wishes for me but they also involve ££ which takes me to numero uno! All goals flow nicely! 

Bring on the 30s I say haha.

These are termed as SMART goals: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-based. Meaning, they can be broken down so you don't tackle too much, too soon. 

What accomplishments do you wish you have??

Take care guys. Love & Light :-)

PS: Any quotes/images that I provide are from Google images or good ole' Facebook. Any other photos are brought to you by myself. Thought I'd just let that be known so to not aid confusion! 

Wear your crown with pride!

Hii Guys! 

It's been a while I know. No-one's more apologetic than me… but I have good reason. Over the past couple of busy months, I've really took some time to look after myself; soul searching if you will. 

That said, it is not without its ups & downs. Such is life, for me. Today is no exception. I have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster all day. I'm blaming hormones (Yep. I'm passing the blame ha!) I'm also having a bit of a "hair-mare" so that's driving me round the bend- more on that another day!

The trouble with me, as my nearest & dearest know, the slightest thing can trigger me. I can get exceedingly angry if I'm passionate about something, you know? I'm working on that though. It's not pretty at all…. I wrote a post on my Instagram about a week ago discussing just this; so it's apt I share! 
        In the UK, we are now around a month in to Spring, which also brought the International Day of Happiness 😍🌾🌼 falling on the same day. It got me to thinking about the links of our differing seasons and how we can try and utilise them to help mental health issues but also understand how and why season changes can affect us in problematic ways. What do you think??

I certainly think that we all feel so much better when springtime arrives. Nature blooms and the time of growth, renewal and new life surfaces. I definitely aim to use the season to continue developing myself in positive ways. It's a great time for energy & exuberance and beneficial for those who suffer mental health issues; but as I noted above, we aren't superheroes and we don't always feel great but please do not feel inferior if you still suffer from low mood. It's very understandable. Take things one step at a time & seek support from whom ever you feel comfortable around. 

So, my main focus for today is about providing some tips really- let me know if they help and please do share this on! If you'd like to, you can also follow me on bloglovin'…Just click on the icon to your right :-) 

You may or may not be aware of the Facebook page: Action for Happiness. Check it out. It's quite useful for promoting a positive mindset to everyone & I came across this below image that struck a chord with me. Here's my top 5 thoughts: -

1) Inspire and motivate others: Lots of us face problems that can be very well hidden. It's a mask that can be used. So be aware that you never know what a person is facing every day. Put a smile on someone's face for no reason- make them smile or laugh, be kind or pay them a compliment. You'll find that the more you do this, you will feel better yourself.

2) Take time to be just you: In my previous post, I talked about my vow of becoming more spiritual; I stuck with this as much as possible & it's working. Even if it's an hour a day, take time to enjoy living in the moment. Try out some mindfulness, read a book, get out in nature..anything where you have time to reflect & rejuvenate. Give it a go! 

3) Drop the negativity: This is something that can be easier said than done and I need to follow my own advice. If anything or anyone is dragging you down then drop it. Let it go. Life's too short. Instead, surround yourself with what and who you love- any anger will slowly fade away.

4) Acceptance: We can all worry but it can be super intense when you may suffer from depression or anxiety. If you feel as if you've suffered setbacks or failed then please try to stop beating yourself up. We make mistakes but we learn from them. Accept that you can learn from any problem & actually use them to formulate a new direction. When you realise this & practice (1)(2)(3), your fears will be flooded by love.

5) Break the boundaries: You're here on Earth for a purpose; should you not feel that way, look harder & deeper. Sometimes we feel life's a struggle and you want to give up but stop right there; find a meaning. YOU are worthy! Try to stretch yourself and learn something new, fun and creative. This can be a challenge, I know; start small but think big. Every day you'll push yourself more & remember.. every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there. Know this!  

For now, I'll leave you with this cute, positive little quote; We may not always feel 100% o.k. with our day or progress, but try and wear your crown on top of your head at all times and you'll feel like a Queen/King/Boss…Leader!!

The New Year Special.

Happy New Year to one and All!

It may be 'back to reality time' and yes, it hits us with a thud; but I do hope that everybody has had a smashing Christmas and NYE. I'm not big on NYE I have to say..never have been, but I had always tend to have a great time with family or friends. This year has been no different :-)

Now, if you follow my blog at all, you'll know that a) I've been really trying [she says trepidatiously] to maximise my blog postings more but I hope to become more frequent! and b) 2015 hasn't been one of my greatest of years due to lets call it, a breakdown, basically. No shame in it.

How I've carried on with any normality and fun in my life is beyond me…but I suppose that is where your support network and inner strength comes in & I have that in abundance. 

        BIG shout out to the mother dearest, as she really is a constant support. We have had massive arguments and disagreements, but she's always there. Can't thank her enough.

From working within mental health...and suffering myself with issues {HA}, I know how crucial it is to have lots of support around you, but also understanding that not everyone has this due to the heinous lack of mental health services, lack of a social/family network and the poor knowledge that bystanders can have of MH. This in itself is such a vicious cycle.

If you struggle with MH issues, you will totally get where I'm coming from and I really hope some of my posts have helped people understand. My brother said an insightful thing the other day- He knows that I've now been diagnosed with GAD- anxiety in lamest terms. He likened my dilemma to the fact that "She can't help her emotions taking over; it's just that in this moment she can't work out how to help herself reach her goals again" - I'm sure many people can relate to that. 

It is difficult for people to understand, I appreciate that but I do wish some could try to. Don't you? 

The way I see it is I know what I want from life & I know how to get it, but over the past year, it became misty. Like a barrier of fog, in which I hit and then can't get through, you know? It seems to be lifting though, thank god.   

I realised a lot of things over Christmas. I've begun to feel much more positive over the last few months; more like myself. The woman I remember from 2014 :-D

None of us can help hitting brick walls and falling prey to the pressure, but where does that get you? Miserable. That's it. Life changes, people change and lets face it, humans aren't fantastic with change. Especially when you've put up with so much of it!!!

So, Instagram has offered this #2015bestnine. Here's mine: 

I'm not a New Year's resolution kinda girl but usually I tend to resolve to be more physically fit & eat more healthily. Blah blah! External pressures in society can make living life extremely difficult, but it's our outlook which changes that. Looking at the geographic of my most "liked" photos on Insta, fitness is certainly something I need to improve upon; more MH inspiration along with relationship chat. 

Remember, it's only you who can have the self-confidence and determination to change things for the better. You can only achieve things if you rely on the experience you've gained from the past to make sure you experience nothing but success today. Easily done! Here's to 2016 lovely ones!   

Turning Points

So, I thought I would wait a few weeks until I next write again. Oh, before I forget, if you glance over to the right of my blog, I've added my instagram page- feel free to have a look and follow :-)

I think I've hit a better corner at the moment, thus said, I had a bad week last week as it include two of my now, most hated memories…but I did just fine, ish. My moods have been very up and down, which has certainly made me question my own sanity ha. My own mother calling me abrasive [granted, said in a fairly jovial manner] has definitely kicked me into touch a tad!! :-/ 

My blog feels a bit of a negative dumpsite with musings on dating right now, so I promise I will change it...Then again, my dating life is something that is quite current at the minute, so you may still read some of intimate details, if you want!? HAHA. I also should not treat it as some form of diary. I should be focusing on enhancing the blog :-) That was my intention initially to do exactly that, by when has my life ever panned out perfectly :-p It could do with some sprucing up to be honest, so I'll work on that. 

I must say, even though my blogging isn't consistent, it has however, been good over the past year to have an outlet. That said, my feelings about things are never left unsaid haha. I think my family and friends must be very tolerant of me! Should you want to see which events occurred for me a week or so ago, do read...Life thus Far: an overview :-)

       As you'll read, July is not exactly a favourite month of mine now, which is frustrating when it's usually a lovely summery month in Britain! It was my friend's second anniversary of his death this year and also a year that I've been single..boohoo..both fall within the same week. 

Losing Fénian is something that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. That fact that he took his own life still sends shivers down my spine. I felt VERY guilty when it happened, as I was aware of how clinically depressed he was feeling. I saw him a couple of months before; he spent a weekend with me and he explained how confused and dark he was feeling. My very last memory of him is of him lying next to me with his head on my shoulder. I'd let him sleep for quite a length and we lay listening to the ambient sounds of Trance music- something we've done since we met back in 2005. 
       He lived a fair while from me, and both being busy people [He worked at the University of Leicester, partaking in many academic accomplishments], we didn't always have plenty of time to see each other. However, I'm 100% sure we both knew that we shared a strong understanding of each other. He met me when I had not long endured my final brain tumour operation and he became quite the protector of me. You can imagine that, at that time, I was not back to my confident, sociable self, but Fénian was so very empathetic to my plights. He confided in me about his own personal issues. Being a vivacious, intelligent, gentle, confident, dramatic, 6'3" man had begun to take its toll on him. When he was within my company, I think he felt comfortable enough to be himself, to talk about his flaws and his worries. I indeed was witness to a fair few of his panic attacks. The last time I saw him he had recently finished his Masters of Law. Being a highly skilled student Ambassador, he explained that he felt he was 'being pushed pillar to post', being asked to complete a PHD. However, he was fearful that he was not earning enough money and said that he just wanted time to figure out what he wanted from life. I think his default setting was always wanting to please people but he was losing his steam. Indeed, I'm sure he kept up a fine facade in front of his friends, but I could see him slipping away :-( 
       My guilt still exists. During the first few months of 2013, I was completing my Dissertation. I had also started dating the ex. So my attention was on all of that. I wanted to make sure Fénian was ok so I text as much as possible, and he sounded like he was progressing a bit. He confided in me that he was now on Anti-Depressents. I did try and deter him from this, urging him to be careful. The texts then reduced a bit, until I messaged him about me coming to see him. I had no reply…Then. It happened. He'd gone. 

As you can probably see, I miss him so much. He was someone I confided in, knowing that he'd understand. He honestly was a soul that didn't have a bad bone is his body. 

To be honest, whilst I write this, I believe that I've learned more about myself this year than ever before, in regards to understand myself and how I work. Having my illness has definitely made me have a greater empathy towards those who suffer in silence or struggle in some form. Hence my choice of career I suppose! I'm drawn to people subconsciously, I think, who I feel would have knowledge of what it's like to feel 'abnormal', either through personal experience or sheer empathy.

The long term effects of damage to the brain are quite often hidden. I feel like a lot of disabilities are ignored, unless people can see something is physically "askew" with you, where physical pain or 'difference' can be seen. 
       I believe that's why I felt so hurt by the ex. It was disappointment. When you think you share a connection with someone, you don't necessarily think they will disappoint you; but when they do, it's nice to see true colours. It's a shame for that other person though, because they'll never understand how much love really was on offer, that they threw away. I pity those sort of people.  

So please, I urge you to become more emotionally intelligent. See beyond someone's exterior and think about how a person may feel by your actions. It's so imperative to reach out a hand. I watched a programme recently about disability hate crime. It is going unrecorded, even for crime against people who may have facial disfigurements, or are physically disabled. So I fear for those who may have hidden disabilities. People should never have to suffer in silence. Consequences do exist.

Despite how chaotic I sometimes feel inside my head..I'm still holding myself up strong!

On a final side note, as I mentioned previously, I'm exercising more which really does help de-stress me. I recommend keeping up the old fitness levels to those of us can feel quite wound up or frustrated..or anyone in general to be fair!

I've took up baking as a new hobby; one thing to add to many things I've totalled up in my head so far. I'm not bad to be fair; if I say so myself. I think being a perfectionist may help, as all ingredients are measured to a T! 

      I should have took more photos of what I've made..but I can't by bothered with the whole, pretentious "food porn (look what I made)". Unless of course, someone is offering instructions on how to make said food….or a cake business..I guess.

Life thus Far: an overview

Well, it is August and two months since my last post. Unfortunately, this current post does not find me in the happiest of mindsets. July has been a horrific month for varying reasons: -  

My Mr KB can now be known as "the boyfriend which once was"- and I don't think of that fondly at all. (I just don't particularly wish to call him an ex). In June, we hit a rocky patch, which I stupidly thought was sorted, despite my better judgement. It took a weekend of closed off coldness and distance from him, plus a dodgy text whereby I had to decipher and decode what it was he was trying to say, before I realised that I may as well become single. Fabulous!!!                                                             
         To be honest, I did not realise I was in a relationship with the lion from the Wizard of Oz haha; As much courage as a fly..or my cat- Now she is a full blown scaredy cat! So all those memories I made within the year and a half seem a bit pointless now. I'd rather erase them and start from scratch with someone new…life is cruel and impossibly heart wrenching at times. 

It was my friend Fénian's anniversary of his death the same week the same week the above happened and we parted ways. A week after that it also would have Fénian's  27th birthday. Wow, life, you certainly know how to shower a girl with kindness :-/ 

I also began a new job role. Which selfishly I needed a boyfriend for. I'm a strong woman but I also have no qualms in stating that I need certain people in my life to "pick me up", to make me feel better and to guide me. Mr KB was one of those things, I always saw him as my best friend, my future, a soul mate if you will. Funny how those terms of endearment can turn quickly into "You Great Big Twat!" 

My family then had to endure the fact the my father has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Oh yeah. Life is fun. 

When I look back at my previous posts, when I was single or when I first started dating the boyfriend which once was, I shudder and wonder whether I was right all along, that perhaps relationships and me work on paper but result in barriers Life Thus Far: an overview Are the Gods trying to tell me something!? All I know is this…I made a conscious decision last year that I was sick of being single, tired of casual flings and was looking for "The One". Clearly my relationship was built on lies. I'm not going to go into details but faults were on both sides, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted mine. Perhaps that is a sign of maturity. When I speak to my grandmother, she is from an Era where people fought for marriages to work, people didn't give up easily, they dedicated their life to someone and loved them. They worked out what was wrong and found solutions to their problems. 

Now, I know this isn't a very optimistic post but I won't leave it on a negative notion. This past month has been a roller coaster of events and emotions. My life has never been smooth sailing and it persists in continuing to be full of ups and downs. I've had to a put a facade on every day to be honest…going to work in the week and spending weekends in self pity.. ranting to family and friends about my loathing of the boyfriend which once was. What I can honestly glean now is that I loved my boyfriend more than he did me. I was willing to make things work despite any difficulties that might arise in the future. It seems I could never compete with the allure of gadgets, bachelorism or hobbies :-/ (Not that I'd want to take that away from a bloke)
         I've been picking myself up and get back on the horse, have a little bit of fun. I can't spend time feeling hurt anymore- he isn't, in fact he has been so calculating, cruel and cold that he is probably relieved, loving life & not caring about little ole me! If someone wants you in their life, they make it happen. I do deserve more than a little boy who feels dedicating his life to just a career is more important than including a partner in that as well and exclaiming that I would even compromise said career. Cheers! Personally, I think that is pretty bizarre. As I previously noted, I have faults. I didn't wholly support the little boy's career choice from day Uno but most women would completley echo my reasons why. It is hard for me to have had no goodbye, to have been shunned and not spoken to in any friendly way, when I put so many eggs into my basket and developed such a strong bond with a man- I realise now he just fell out of love!!
          In some ways I'm glad to know I haven't evolved past having feelings, having morals, decency, politeness and kindness! I think I could have more respect for someone if they were actually brave enough to be a friend but it's time to look forward and hope that I can feel contentment & an emotional/physical bond with someone new, I'm done with being toyed with like a dog, where maintaining contact doesn't seem likely from their point of view :-/ Right now, yeah I'd probably love to have my old life back but I don't foresee it soo…..See you later Mr wolf in sheep's clothing!

Perfect Mantra's!!!

Any advice/thoughts on this matter, send them my way! Ever been in a situation where you honestly feel someone has made a big mistake?