I think I've hit a better corner at the moment, thus said, I had a bad week last week as it include two of my now, most hated memories…but I did just fine, ish. My moods have been very up and down, which has certainly made me question my own sanity ha. My own mother calling me abrasive [granted, said in a fairly jovial manner] has definitely kicked me into touch a tad!! :-/
My blog feels a bit of a negative dumpsite with musings on dating right now, so I promise I will change it...Then again, my dating life is something that is quite current at the minute, so you may still read some of intimate details, if you want!? HAHA. I also should not treat it as some form of diary. I should be focusing on enhancing the blog :-) That was my intention initially to do exactly that, by when has my life ever panned out perfectly :-p It could do with some sprucing up to be honest, so I'll work on that.
I must say, even though my blogging isn't consistent, it has however, been good over the past year to have an outlet. That said, my feelings about things are never left unsaid haha. I think my family and friends must be very tolerant of me! Should you want to see which events occurred for me a week or so ago, do read...Life thus Far: an overview :-)
I must say, even though my blogging isn't consistent, it has however, been good over the past year to have an outlet. That said, my feelings about things are never left unsaid haha. I think my family and friends must be very tolerant of me! Should you want to see which events occurred for me a week or so ago, do read...Life thus Far: an overview :-)
As you'll read, July is not exactly a favourite month of mine now, which is frustrating when it's usually a lovely summery month in Britain! It was my friend's second anniversary of his death this year and also a year that I've been single..boohoo..both fall within the same week.
Losing Fénian is something that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. That fact that he took his own life still sends shivers down my spine. I felt VERY guilty when it happened, as I was aware of how clinically depressed he was feeling. I saw him a couple of months before; he spent a weekend with me and he explained how confused and dark he was feeling. My very last memory of him is of him lying next to me with his head on my shoulder. I'd let him sleep for quite a length and we lay listening to the ambient sounds of Trance music- something we've done since we met back in 2005.
He lived a fair while from me, and both being busy people [He worked at the University of Leicester, partaking in many academic accomplishments], we didn't always have plenty of time to see each other. However, I'm 100% sure we both knew that we shared a strong understanding of each other. He met me when I had not long endured my final brain tumour operation and he became quite the protector of me. You can imagine that, at that time, I was not back to my confident, sociable self, but Fénian was so very empathetic to my plights. He confided in me about his own personal issues. Being a vivacious, intelligent, gentle, confident, dramatic, 6'3" man had begun to take its toll on him. When he was within my company, I think he felt comfortable enough to be himself, to talk about his flaws and his worries. I indeed was witness to a fair few of his panic attacks. The last time I saw him he had recently finished his Masters of Law. Being a highly skilled student Ambassador, he explained that he felt he was 'being pushed pillar to post', being asked to complete a PHD. However, he was fearful that he was not earning enough money and said that he just wanted time to figure out what he wanted from life. I think his default setting was always wanting to please people but he was losing his steam. Indeed, I'm sure he kept up a fine facade in front of his friends, but I could see him slipping away :-(
My guilt still exists. During the first few months of 2013, I was completing my Dissertation. I had also started dating the ex. So my attention was on all of that. I wanted to make sure Fénian was ok so I text as much as possible, and he sounded like he was progressing a bit. He confided in me that he was now on Anti-Depressents. I did try and deter him from this, urging him to be careful. The texts then reduced a bit, until I messaged him about me coming to see him. I had no reply…Then. It happened. He'd gone.
To be honest, whilst I write this, I believe that I've learned more about myself this year than ever before, in regards to understand myself and how I work. Having my illness has definitely made me have a greater empathy towards those who suffer in silence or struggle in some form. Hence my choice of career I suppose! I'm drawn to people subconsciously, I think, who I feel would have knowledge of what it's like to feel 'abnormal', either through personal experience or sheer empathy.
The long term effects of damage to the brain are quite often hidden. I feel like a lot of disabilities are ignored, unless people can see something is physically "askew" with you, where physical pain or 'difference' can be seen.
I believe that's why I felt so hurt by the ex. It was disappointment. When you think you share a connection with someone, you don't necessarily think they will disappoint you; but when they do, it's nice to see true colours. It's a shame for that other person though, because they'll never understand how much love really was on offer, that they threw away. I pity those sort of people.
So please, I urge you to become more emotionally intelligent. See beyond someone's exterior and think about how a person may feel by your actions. It's so imperative to reach out a hand. I watched a programme recently about disability hate crime. It is going unrecorded, even for crime against people who may have facial disfigurements, or are physically disabled. So I fear for those who may have hidden disabilities. People should never have to suffer in silence. Consequences do exist.
Losing Fénian is something that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. That fact that he took his own life still sends shivers down my spine. I felt VERY guilty when it happened, as I was aware of how clinically depressed he was feeling. I saw him a couple of months before; he spent a weekend with me and he explained how confused and dark he was feeling. My very last memory of him is of him lying next to me with his head on my shoulder. I'd let him sleep for quite a length and we lay listening to the ambient sounds of Trance music- something we've done since we met back in 2005.
He lived a fair while from me, and both being busy people [He worked at the University of Leicester, partaking in many academic accomplishments], we didn't always have plenty of time to see each other. However, I'm 100% sure we both knew that we shared a strong understanding of each other. He met me when I had not long endured my final brain tumour operation and he became quite the protector of me. You can imagine that, at that time, I was not back to my confident, sociable self, but Fénian was so very empathetic to my plights. He confided in me about his own personal issues. Being a vivacious, intelligent, gentle, confident, dramatic, 6'3" man had begun to take its toll on him. When he was within my company, I think he felt comfortable enough to be himself, to talk about his flaws and his worries. I indeed was witness to a fair few of his panic attacks. The last time I saw him he had recently finished his Masters of Law. Being a highly skilled student Ambassador, he explained that he felt he was 'being pushed pillar to post', being asked to complete a PHD. However, he was fearful that he was not earning enough money and said that he just wanted time to figure out what he wanted from life. I think his default setting was always wanting to please people but he was losing his steam. Indeed, I'm sure he kept up a fine facade in front of his friends, but I could see him slipping away :-(
My guilt still exists. During the first few months of 2013, I was completing my Dissertation. I had also started dating the ex. So my attention was on all of that. I wanted to make sure Fénian was ok so I text as much as possible, and he sounded like he was progressing a bit. He confided in me that he was now on Anti-Depressents. I did try and deter him from this, urging him to be careful. The texts then reduced a bit, until I messaged him about me coming to see him. I had no reply…Then. It happened. He'd gone.
As you can probably see, I miss him so much. He was someone I confided in, knowing that he'd understand. He honestly was a soul that didn't have a bad bone is his body.
To be honest, whilst I write this, I believe that I've learned more about myself this year than ever before, in regards to understand myself and how I work. Having my illness has definitely made me have a greater empathy towards those who suffer in silence or struggle in some form. Hence my choice of career I suppose! I'm drawn to people subconsciously, I think, who I feel would have knowledge of what it's like to feel 'abnormal', either through personal experience or sheer empathy.
The long term effects of damage to the brain are quite often hidden. I feel like a lot of disabilities are ignored, unless people can see something is physically "askew" with you, where physical pain or 'difference' can be seen.
I believe that's why I felt so hurt by the ex. It was disappointment. When you think you share a connection with someone, you don't necessarily think they will disappoint you; but when they do, it's nice to see true colours. It's a shame for that other person though, because they'll never understand how much love really was on offer, that they threw away. I pity those sort of people.
So please, I urge you to become more emotionally intelligent. See beyond someone's exterior and think about how a person may feel by your actions. It's so imperative to reach out a hand. I watched a programme recently about disability hate crime. It is going unrecorded, even for crime against people who may have facial disfigurements, or are physically disabled. So I fear for those who may have hidden disabilities. People should never have to suffer in silence. Consequences do exist.
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| Despite how chaotic I sometimes feel inside my head..I'm still holding myself up strong! |
On a final side note, as I mentioned previously, I'm exercising more which really does help de-stress me. I recommend keeping up the old fitness levels to those of us can feel quite wound up or frustrated..or anyone in general to be fair!
I've took up baking as a new hobby; one thing to add to many things I've totalled up in my head so far. I'm not bad to be fair; if I say so myself. I think being a perfectionist may help, as all ingredients are measured to a T!
I should have took more photos of what I've made..but I can't by bothered with the whole, pretentious "food porn (look what I made)". Unless of course, someone is offering instructions on how to make said food….or a cake business..I guess.
In so many ways I can identify with your friend Fenian as I too have bouts of depression,, PTSD, borderling personality disorder and just general agoraphobia. I am not comfortable around people in person. on the computer sure, but not in person. I'm here to tell you as somebody who has tried to commit suicide on more that one occasion that there is NOTHING you could have done to stop Fenian from doing what he did. The guilt is not yours to shoulder, it his, if it is anyone's. Sometimes some people just cannot handle the world and the demands that it puts on them, some of them or too damaged at too young of an age to be able to successfully weather adulthood, they blame themselves for every little thing and you may have worried about Fenien doing this but you couldn't be positivie and you couldn't stop living your life to live his for him and he would have gotten it donw one way or another. I know this. Let yourself off the hook. Fenien loved you and came to you when he could, but I bet there is a let he didn't confide in you because of the pain and suffering yo had already been thru.Give yourself a break, you are only human and he would NOT want you to blame yourself, hel loved you and you helped as much as hel would let you, you have to let that be enough because that is all you have.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your lovely words. It made me smile so much..and shed a tear also! I can relate to some of your own personal issues myself, certainly with PTSD; this year has felt quite wretched at times so far, so please don't feel you're alone and there are always people willing to chat. It really does help. I'm a good listener! :) You've tapped in so well to how I feel about my friend and you're right about it all. I think the guilt is slowly leaving me but it is hard. I hope, like you say, he loved me and feels I helped in some small way :) x
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