New Year's Day Banter!

So folks… It's New Year's Day. My love to you all! 

That snuck up quickly on us eh guys!? These last few of months have been, lets say, emotional. As I sit here with my glass of Shiraz and a good ole mince pie, I'm wondering how to word this post. I could sit here like every other human and discuss all of those gleeful resolutions that go in through one year and out the other, or I could boast about what wonderful things have happened.
       I could do that, my life is never without its positives or fun times, as is documented in previous posts, but I wish to get to the nitty gritty. I'm not a person who seeks for attention or sugar coats my life with fanciful, idealistic sentiments; that quite honestly, is not often true but the festive season craves it. I just want to lay bear the truth. Honesty is all I seek (although, I fear I sound cynical!) so here we go.
     
This NY I wish to celebrate every single person who suffers with any kind of hardship; and most importantly the big C. Cancer. I have endured my own illness and all the joys (haha..) that it brought about, but I could handle that because it was my own suffering. However, I've found it so much more overwhelming lately to see my father be so poorly and rundown due to his maintenance treatment; that has caused significant side effects {for bladder CIS cancer}. Thus, Christmas and New Year has felt, for want of a better word, difficult! It's been bloody hard to feel a) festive and b) joyous. I managed and we coped and all in all, it was lovely to be amongst family and friends. Optimism was on my side :-)

People forget so easily the many hardships that people can endure and especially at seasonal holidays. In just a blink of an eye, people can feel a sense of expectation to provide anecdotes of their achievements, right!? Well-intentioned but often heightened cheer and well-wishes, that all too often seem to disappear when January is in full swing. I'm all for celebration and love Christmas but it can prove tricky when you think of the millions of people who are suffering…just like my dad.
       This new year does however provide a chance to get rid of that; cancel toxicity, clear greed/vanity & delete comparisons. As I've noted, so many people are going through some real difficulty at present and this has really anchored deep into my soul recently. All I can offer is the opportunity forthwith to create new memories and moments. In illness for example, battle on and have strength. Have faith in you. I do. You can do it!

Lets face it, 2016 has had many issues on a personal & global scale. What with the mass of celebrity deaths and the terrors of war and terrorism, 2017 can only leave you with one feeling: Hope. Sweet friends, today marks the beginning of a brand new chapter. If you are reading this and perhaps going through some difficulties, know that all it takes is to put one step in front of the other. You see, goals are something that can be set or re-set all throughout the year. So take time in January to map out your hopes and desires. Understand why you want to achieve them and maybe share them with others so you get the accountability you need to not give up. It's an invitation to become present and mindful. That infinite potential that you see before you doesn't need to weigh heavy. Forget about everybody else and give your life a chance. Dig deep to find your determination and focus on that well-being!

So for me it's very simple. It's goodbye and good riddance to 2016. It's been a tumultuous year for our world as a whole & particularly for my family. So I wish us all health, happiness and success; but please bear this quote in mind and lets smash 2017!

Does this resonate or help?? I'd love to hear your Christmas & NY stories- good or bad! 

Take care guys. Love & light <3

The New Year Special.

Happy New Year to one and All!

It may be 'back to reality time' and yes, it hits us with a thud; but I do hope that everybody has had a smashing Christmas and NYE. I'm not big on NYE I have to say..never have been, but I had always tend to have a great time with family or friends. This year has been no different :-)

Now, if you follow my blog at all, you'll know that a) I've been really trying [she says trepidatiously] to maximise my blog postings more but I hope to become more frequent! and b) 2015 hasn't been one of my greatest of years due to lets call it, a breakdown, basically. No shame in it.

How I've carried on with any normality and fun in my life is beyond me…but I suppose that is where your support network and inner strength comes in & I have that in abundance. 

        BIG shout out to the mother dearest, as she really is a constant support. We have had massive arguments and disagreements, but she's always there. Can't thank her enough.

From working within mental health...and suffering myself with issues {HA}, I know how crucial it is to have lots of support around you, but also understanding that not everyone has this due to the heinous lack of mental health services, lack of a social/family network and the poor knowledge that bystanders can have of MH. This in itself is such a vicious cycle.

If you struggle with MH issues, you will totally get where I'm coming from and I really hope some of my posts have helped people understand. My brother said an insightful thing the other day- He knows that I've now been diagnosed with GAD- anxiety in lamest terms. He likened my dilemma to the fact that "She can't help her emotions taking over; it's just that in this moment she can't work out how to help herself reach her goals again" - I'm sure many people can relate to that. 

It is difficult for people to understand, I appreciate that but I do wish some could try to. Don't you? 

The way I see it is I know what I want from life & I know how to get it, but over the past year, it became misty. Like a barrier of fog, in which I hit and then can't get through, you know? It seems to be lifting though, thank god.   

I realised a lot of things over Christmas. I've begun to feel much more positive over the last few months; more like myself. The woman I remember from 2014 :-D

None of us can help hitting brick walls and falling prey to the pressure, but where does that get you? Miserable. That's it. Life changes, people change and lets face it, humans aren't fantastic with change. Especially when you've put up with so much of it!!!

So, Instagram has offered this #2015bestnine. Here's mine: 

I'm not a New Year's resolution kinda girl but usually I tend to resolve to be more physically fit & eat more healthily. Blah blah! External pressures in society can make living life extremely difficult, but it's our outlook which changes that. Looking at the geographic of my most "liked" photos on Insta, fitness is certainly something I need to improve upon; more MH inspiration along with relationship chat. 

Remember, it's only you who can have the self-confidence and determination to change things for the better. You can only achieve things if you rely on the experience you've gained from the past to make sure you experience nothing but success today. Easily done! Here's to 2016 lovely ones!   

Putting up a Fight.

I've been quiet again haven't I guys !? I suck. Haha. Seriously though, I keep meaning to sit and write my posts but I want to steer clear of any of my negative thoughts and provide some positivity and advice. That said, whilst reading back, I think what I do write is honest and true to myself & I should stick to that… So, today I am "out of sorts! My enthusiasm for doing things is a bit low {I'm blaming the autumnal weather & toothache that has emerged} but whilst I'm feeling a bit unproductive with my free day, I've made it my priority to get you back to speed! :-)

Soo, a month on and we've found ourselves in the depths of autumn. Since my last post, I definitely feel like karma has been on my side a teeny bit more- which is great! {she says, whilst touching wood} I'm just hoping and trying to build myself up even more since I'm now in my favourite season..Halloween, bonfires, fireworks, my birthday(!), christmas. love love love.             
       When I've had the time, spending so much more time with friends & family has helped over the past few weeks. I've also focused my energies on other peoples' troubles. It's kind've deviated from mine haha. It really is true that even in the darkest of places, the truest and most loyal of people will stick by you. I've been pretty lucky there…and for all of you, look and you'll see those people who surround you. Never let them go. They are there to help. Keep fighting.

I hereby apologise for the above filthy use of language in said quote..but it cannot be helped. I know also that some judgy people may oppose to soo many quotes but sometimes, you can't think of the words that really are in your mind. You know I'm right !! 

It definitely does bother me somewhat, the lack of fight that people have. Gone are the days where people don't throw things away instantly. That said, I suppose people have their reasons, I'd just love to hear them is all… 

       As aforementioned, I've focused on other people and helped them with their pain. My dad is still going through his C treatment, but the C cells have lessoned, thus he will soon be in a state of remission. We hope. However, my mum had her own recent breast cancer scare having had a lot of pain in that area, so I supported her at a scan. Results were negative. Thank bloody god! I couldn't cope with more illness :-(

My mum. La belle. What a star!

  

So yes, onwards & upwards, this post is. It can be frustrating to explain how your feelings are an ever changing roller coaster but I had a lovely summer really, all things considered; visited plenty of new places & FINALLY saw the RAF Red Arrows perform. Despite the fact that satan [the ex] was/is a pilot, I wasn't going to let him take my enjoyment of planes away. I loved them long before I met his sorry ass haha. I probably should upload all my photos but in fairness, I haven't gotten around to sorting them all out.

Speaking of men, or lack of- My want of a nice date is going on my to-do list. I am so sick of my non interest in any guy. It's completely absurd. I'm fighting my need for a man in my life [[for mostly sexual reasons if I'm being honest]] with the fact that many repulse me (sorry!).. Sucky, sucky brain of mine!

Honestly, if anyone has any tips in fighting this single status, bring them my way. How was your Summer ??

Brain Tumour Survival

March 2013 

You may or not be aware that it is brain tumour awareness month. Note the recent documentaries to raise such awareness. "Brain Doctors" follows the work of neurosurgeons at John Radcliffe Hospital, Oxford.  Very close to my heart since I myself was operated upon there three times some eight years ago! My ninth (!!) Craniversary will be this May, and again in October- Two since my tumour had to be operated on again.  

You may think it was a long time ago that my tumour occurred. It indeed is, however, a shunt remains in my brain to drain cerebral fluid. Since my operations I have not stopped. Literally. I had to learn to walk again; learn to do many things again. I then had to get my education back on track. So much so that I am now 25 and fighting to finish my social work degree by May. This is not doing my head any favours. I'm not sure if I am getting a wake up call due to the month, but I've been getting headaches almost daily for a month or so. My tumour was benign but please do not think that makes things any easier. I was a rare case in that my childhood tumour was able to grow for an extra two years until I got any symptoms. 

I should have been at University today, however, I awoke with yet another shocking headache and my mother kindly gave me some tablets and then bought some even stronger ones. I now feel quite zombie-esque as I write this. With this in mind, I wish to thank my parents and brother for their kindness, empathy and understanding. I cannot thank them enough as I know it must be difficult to put up with my mood swings that can still occur.. I have part of my brain missing, what can I say?! 

I would also like you to acknowledge the vast amount of people who have endured this life-threatening illness. It's no piece of cake, and we may look, appear and act very normal  but side effects do not ever leave. I was never given physiotherapy so my mum took that role, along with many other roles. With our combined efforts, I still will never wear stiletto heels. As silly as it sounds, I get extremely frustrated with todays society of women who rule their life by how they look. I still have to check that I am walking o.k due to my slightly weak left-hand side. Spare some thoughts to the survivours in the world, and those less fortunate.    

19/20 years old here

Jon and I after my 2nd operation: May '04, aged 16