Life thus far: An overview

Soo I kind've feel like this will be a bit of a rant, so I figured I haven't got a theme, hence my LTS! I woke up Sunday with a low energy vibration to be honest which has continued, then I realised it's a new moon in taurus on the 11th. My little spiritual heart felt slightly more settled I guess! Taurus is about healing through a grounding process, so we're thinking earthy nature ofc. It allows us to re-fuel & fill your cup with self love. Definitely not a time to beat yourself up that’s for sure! I need to take heed of that fixed Earth, grounded energy to steer me in a good direction; especially during this Mental Health Week

      My younger brother turned 30 on Saturday; he's a Taurus. He's more pragmatic than me certainly and I can learn a lot from that nature. We had a little family get-together at his house which was needed. I baked Nutella cupcakes which I'll deffo be making again. My brother likes his board games and trivia, but Cards Against Humanity, I'm all for that one. These simple pleasures of normality shouldn't be taken for granted!

My weeks have been so busy at work and even though it's still working from home, I've had the odd visit and meeting in direct contact. That's felt normal-ish...I feel overwhelmed though. Work + academic work + a never empty house + an ailing grandmother- Makes me feel like I have limited time. I need to manage time better currently & curb that imposter feeling :/ 

I've spoken about karma before on here and even though I know that nothing is black and white, nor easy, I still wonder how those that really do seek true happiness, are not given it quickly or simply. Life doesn't reward goodness but honestly, I try, my family try, so hard but something always crops up to steer us off track! Are things sent to test us, if so, why continuously ha. I have fought a lot in my life, jumped through hoops and obstacles & although I'm young (33) I feel tired, tired of doing all the right things but not having what I truly want. I've settled for less recently- I don't want to do that anymore. I know deep down that I am worthy of what I wish to manifest, so why settle, 

I know that I do need to use the taurean energy to let go and let God. We can’t control everything can we…Have faith, keep going and let the chips fall where they may..

I'm sure many people look at life (now that we have some freedoms back) and feel that life is hunky dory, no issues. But there's an underbelly. When you go down that rabbit hole, I'm telling you, if you already feel a niggle, you'll get it trust me! (Not that I believe every theory) When the country makes out it is so progressive & liberal, that is when I want to scream. We’re not. It’s going backwards in my opinion and people are blinkered to see it. Can you honestly say that you feel you are empowered to have a different point of view to someone else; whether a person is right or wrong need not matter, we are supposed to live in a society where different perspectives are encouraged, are we not? 

It's even ridiculous things like, an ex once suggested I was 'the sensible one; straightlaced...' Considering he knew full well what my temperament is, it angered me so much. Still does. Cause when you know something is unjust, you want to set records straight. I'm realistic, logical, reasonable. 

Sensible and straightlaced? Sure, I don't act like a ten year old the majority of the time- I guess I need to let some things lie eh!! 

I guess it's those realisations that make me think, wow that person couldn't be arsed to really get to know me at all! I like social justice, liberty and the human right to an opinion. When they listened to my thoughts on the Pandemic sitch, they were surprised, so it makes you wonder what people class as radical after all doesn't it ?

      This ever happen to you?

This has been a rant eh. Ooh I'm sorry. I love a rant and moan at the best of times, but this past year, oh boy its been something else!! I mean, I wholly hope that restrictions are lifted in June, as suggested, but I have my niggling suspicions that life will not look quite the same as 2019 for example. Is this making any sense? Hm, I hope so. Anyway, if anyone at all is feeling even a smidgen bit sceptical or has some thoughts that don't quite fit in with "the norm," look up the WTAF Podcast with Richard Willett & Gareth Icke, and Pandemic Podcast with Dan Astin-Gregory- both on Youtube. You'll feel less alone as they speak sense, and look up your local Stand in the Park...although, lets hope that by June, this will all be a distant dream !

Idle hands, busy mind!

Happy Easter! it's been a while; I haven't had much to report. I mean who has had, when STILL living in a pandemic existence! I have had a week off work but it's gone by soo quickly and I've been most unproductive. In fairness to me, there's not exactly anything eventful to do; it's like a never-ending loop of madness, ha. The restrictions in "Stalin Britain," as I so fondly like to term it now, slightly lifted on Monday...not that it makes a blind bit of difference, in terms of my thought processes over the whole situation.

Anyway, we had a *few* sunny days so I caught up on reading, went for a walk in the woods, booked well-needed appointments, spent time with some family and started some academic work (this took a while to muster motivation to be fair) Oh, I made an Easter cake too- Obvs. 

In all honesty, I felt drained af. My head has felt flooded, and I feel guilty for doing "not a lot." This angered me, losing my temper with others angry, hmph. I feel a tad unbalanced; my equilibrium is askew. I have so many things to do that I don't think my mind has known where to turn. Perhaps it has felt too busy that my body has kind've shut down, so I've certainly caught up on sleep! 

      Hmm, maybe sometimes we need a week like that. Ideally, I'd be on a beach relaxing, but these days, that's illegal- unless you wear a face mask. Go figure. I've felt sensitive to life in general, hence the busy mind likely. I fear we're heading in such a divisive and discriminatory direction, it's not pretty. (Anyone agree? Ah, I digress....)

I know that I'm going to give myself flack for not doing enough academic work, but hopefully I'll get there in the end. We always tend do, don't we? You think you'll never get to that finish line, but somehow, the Universe takes you there. I'm banking on it anyway. We are too hard on ourselves, when in reality, our body usually lets us know what it is we need in that moment. I have found this working from home ALLL the time tricky. Starting a new role, new work's operating system, new field of work in Nov and then jumping to solely helping myself from Jan has been no picnic. I went in the once but there was no-one else there soo, waste of petrol much!? Quitting on myself hasn't been an option, but having no office space at home, and never alone in the house has been frustrating as hell. 

What is lovely though, is that Spring/Ostara is here, hurrah! It's a great season; Aries season has arrived and growth and abundance is upon us...I'm clinging to this hugely. Aries is fiery energy and urges us to transform, be grateful for the blessings we have & be clear about what we wish to attract. Manifestation and setting intentions is ideal in Aries season and maybe down time enabled me to reevaluate my busy mind- Is it possible I've been more productive than I thought ??

A week ago, I drew the Hermit card which was an invitation to retreat and travel deep into the recesses of spirit and soul. I guess I need to trust the process & realise I needed quiet time. I suppose there is value in spending time in silence, in nature and in not engaging in constant external stimulation. Being mindful; yeah, maybe I needed that. Cognitive fatigue can creep up and at times, it's better to give in to the inner voice that says "Do it all right now" Sometimes we need courage to take a break.

I overthink on a daily basis. I reign it in when I put my mind to something as soon as I'm awake- and then somehow, I get through the day with less worry. 

      If this week has taught me anything, bad days or weeks will happen; some days will be great and some may be wretched. However, please know that if you can get out of bed daily, you're doing well!

2 eggs for 2 special guys!

A different kind of autumn feel!

I can hardly believe we are now near November, guys! Any reader of mine will know by now that I am a lover of the autumn season. It's an enchanting time..the changing of beautiful, jewelled coloured leaves, cosy knitted jumpers, pumpkin, spices, the chill of the wind in the sunshine.

     However. I haven't craved the cooler weather or darker nights as much. After the grim year that we've had, which is still enduring, I kind've want summer back, please! I don't want cold or dark; I want light, everywhere. I do believe I'd happily welcome said season if I felt less of a gloomy cloud over the world- As previous posts show, I have been open over the happenings of the pandemic. I probably have not divulged my inner most thoughts, as they are varied/ different. I'm not planning on discussing further unless wanted, but it's definitely had an impact on how I feel right now. 

     Or whether you believe or not, it could be mercury retrograde (ends 3rd Nov) It has the ability to make you tense or even moodier. Getting your point across and sharing thoughts and emotions is trickier do to in a constructive, easy-to-understand manner. What I do find cathartic about the fall equinox is that it demands you do some shadow work. It compels you to seek the truth from within and look at who you want to be and what prevents it. 

As most festive holidays are essentially cancelled, in terms of gatherings, I am being optimistic about life. Have a new job to work on, have lovely family and friends (although recent views have definitely differed for sure, but we're all unique!) It's just a shame that celebrations are not fun-filled. Children will likely not be 'trick or treating,' soo I've : -

• made a little pumpkin patch outside my door, so at least kids can see that as the nights draw in- I wish I'd gone bigger but I didn't have time really and..
• I usually bake around this time, but like the grown adult that I am, I'm going to make a gingerbread house. Why not, right !?  

If you were not aware, pumpkins are a symbol of protection and ward off evil. Orange symbolises positivity, along with success, harvest and warmth. It coincides indeed with fire, to which I am gutted that there will be no Bonfire Night. So much elemental magic! Sparklers anyone...

So above is a previous selection of my autumn creations. How do we create a witchy aesthetic this autumn then ? Along with the ideas above, here are a few more...

A lot of people are now working from home, and whilst many of us may feel there isn't a whole lot to look forward to this winter or Christmas, with Covid overshadowing lives & lockdowns taking place, the changing colours of the leaves will add interest and joy. Drink in nature as much as you can. Talk a walk in a park, visit some open gardens, take some pics of our magnificent trees! Exercise is so important right now, along with breathing in fresh air. Organic loveliness. 

If celebrations may feel more solitary for you this year, create autumnal decor in your home. First up, light! Candles and lanterns create a cosy hue, but LED lights are a safe alternative too, esp to add a tealight in pumpkins. Then scent; vanilla, gingerbread, cinnamon. Decorate with conkers, acorns, pine cones, leaves. Garlands & wreaths in rusty red, green, gold, purple all add to the vibe. Don't forget bedding or throws- add hot chocolate/warm cider and you're set!

Give thanks and gratitude. This season is all about transition, hope, remembrance. It's a great time to count your blessings, embrace the unknown and know that surrendering to darkness brings renewal and abundance. Take it to a spookier level and walk around a cemetery. Take that time to reflect, toast the season and speak to ancestors.

Have close family or friends over and make a night of it. Cook with seasonal foods, root veggies. A good, hearty meal with potatoes, onions, squash, carrots. Bake, bake, bake! Apple pie, cookies, devils food cake. Watch a scary movie marathon: Practical Magic, The Craft, Hocus Pocus, The Others, Halloween, The Shining, Casper, The Conjuring, An interview with a vampire, Tim Burton/Guillermo del Toro {You get the gist}

Life thus far: An overview

I did have a particular theme I wanted to discuss for this latest post, which I still intend to do, however, me being me, my mind raced on to manyyy other subjects, so I figured I may as well do a ramble. Damn you, brain!     Disclosure: Involves discussion of MH issues. 

So here we are, August. Really?! Mind is blown. This year is just a global disaster huh. However, we have got to make the most of it all, right. These last couple of months have been thought-provoking for me. I had an attack a month or so ago. Lasted 20 minutes & it was the first I'd had in a long time. It was a Sunday evening (great timing- work next day) and I could sense it brewing. I had panic and nausea all day; I went to my room. I had a surge on intense dread, thoughts racing, uncontrollable crying, couldn't catch my breath, trembling. To re-centre, I focused on reality& mindful awareness; pinpointing objects around me, focused on breath as much as possible. It was just horrible.
      Anyway, I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I knew that I felt like life was overwhelming me, thoughts imploding. So it had to stop right there! I do myself no favours keeping 'a face on.'- maintaining my usual, friendly, cheerful self. My poor, dear mum is basically my therapist (no joke) and that's totally unfair. I do have good knowledge of myself, my management techniques, but I shouldn't always keep my issues SO separate from social life, for ex. I urge people who have such problems to discuss more with friends. I enjoy being there for others, offering advice, agony aunt...but it'll get on top of you ^as above. Seek help, always.

We all have different ways of reacting or responding to events don't we. A pandemic has taught many people this, if nothing else! Mask wearing in some indoor settings became compulsory 24th July. Pubs/restaurants/hairdressers etc from 4th July. It really has been a godsend to me to enjoy that sense of normality in a pub. Blogging is definitely a cathartic process. It's important to discuss current events and document your own observations. With local lockdowns recently appearing, one may say there's still trouble ahead. I completely understand that this wholly scares people. We've been dealing with storms that we've never experienced before. The negativity of the news and media is 24/7, pretty much. This not only preys on emotions but will keep many people glued to the TV. Please, go about life normally and safely but remember that life is an investment in yourself. We have to keep evolving. Be authentic and seek your purpose. Listen to news briefly but invest some time in critical info, if you need to be up to date.


















I've been re-watching films occasionally that have touched me in some form:
The way we were
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind
Benjamin Button
The Vow
Brain on Fire
A beautiful mind...Many more to follow I'm sure. These films inspire me. They're powerful in terms of hope, love of life, passion, mental health, loss of love, destiny. I could go on! My point is, we spend a lot of time looking in to the future that we forget the present. Some of us excessively worry. *hands up hsp* We need to truly and mindfully relax. Take that time to watch films when you can, something to really make you think, or cry, or laugh.
      I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder/intermittent depression in 2015 by my neuropsychologist. As my personal journey is unique, abi is also a factor. So, in theory, I have been on medication to help with my migraines and MH struggles since '13. The tension of wanting to solve the cause of your anxiety will result in wasting time running around in an inner maze of self-perpetuating worry. By using techniques I've listed above, or within my blog, it all helps to ease tension. Should it arise though, try this: anxiety feels like a voice, 'time to worry about everything.' Cue the sense of dread& cue a relaxation exercise. Choose something calming (stress ball, visualisation, colour therapy etc), practice often and use the words 'Don't listen or Stop it.' Say it loud.
      Obviously, cognitive distortion is not a helpful mindset & may be something that some of you are experiencing. Here's a great link:  https://inside.ewu.edu/caps/self-help/stress-management/distorted-thinking/
I truly believe there's a moral to everything, like films, there's a moral somewhere. A lesson for you to learn. It might be good or bad but we have to go through that to reach what we truly deserve and have wished for.

As we navigate through life, know that nothing lasts forever. There are silver linings at the edge of the orange-tinged horizon.

I'm not sure what this post turned into quite frankly! Info/tips spam, haha. I hope it's helpful x

 

Lets talk resilience

It's been a good two months since my last post..It's been a tumultuous 2 months. Definitely a significant year in our contemporary history!

2020 certainly is the year of an (ongoing) global pandemic of not only COVID, but also of worldwide protests against racism and police violence. Now, I want to make it clear that indeed, I feel empathy towards those who've suffered a loss of friends or relatives due to the virus, and also understand the huge plight of the world taking a stand against structural racism. However, we all have thoughts, feelings and opinions that differ to other people and all emotions are valid. I want to discuss how I've been dealing with my own resilience recently, and offer some skills/tips, because I don't know about you, but I've found life tricky- Particularly in the last month. On the whole, my resilience is very good. I've been through such struggles, that I can tolerate a lot. For ex. Having spent a month in a hospital, you feel institutionalised. Adjusting to "normality" can be tough, but I've begun to have that sensation again; feeling caged in...
       Do you remember the #bekind campaign that was floating around before the virus came alone? Yeah, me neither! I've observed so much over these months that make me think how fickle humans are. The hatred that comes spewing out of people's mouths. It's mind boggling. People say everything is for "justice reasons," but honestly, it's looks like anger and fear to me. What message does this send ? I witness judgement of others, probably of myself also; who knows. What are people lacking in their lives when they have supported in developing division during this lockdown.
       Non mask wearers vs those that do; people who 'Tut' at you if you accidentally don't follow the marked arrows in supermarkets; or the multiple people who glared at me and snarkily looked at my 87 year old grandmother whom I took out for the first time in three months of her shielding indoors. [It has been difficult for my grandmother to compute all of the mass media, and she doesn't wholly understand the need for the imposed regulations etc- So imagine how bewildering places are now for her] What a dire manner to act around an elderly lady. I honestly don't know how people have the emotional energy to hold on to such strong opinions that they then deem as factual; a lot of the time, it's unsubstantiated. What's happened to alternative thinking. The human race has become too carefree and irresponsible with their actions & thoughts.

The pandemic has clearly offered an opportunity for us to use this reset to be more conscious and to think about how we can improve, as individuals and collective. For ex, I do think a huge positive has been that the lockdown has provided a lifeline for rough sleepers. Thousands have been given shelter, security & help- fantastic. Although, what happens next & also, why did it take a pandemic to sort this out? Social issues like this really highlight how the Tory Gov. have had important issues directed in their faces! We’re living in extraordinary times.

Stay with me...The above has developed in to somewhat of a prologue.

The last three months has triggered increased anxiety for many. The virus outbreak has had such heightened media attention, which has sparked feelings that some people are not accustomed to. I have found that this last month has been my hardest. I was feeling self-doubt and lacking in self love. Feeling an amount of distress that was affecting my emotional wellbeing. Now, I know that adapting to life's changes hasn't been difficult at all for some, which is totally fine but I can't say I've enjoyed the "new norm." I've been in regular contact with friends (online), working & more recently, had a walk with friends (separate occasions) and visited family. It had been three months that I'd not seen my nephews- This is tough for us all, yes. However, it got me to thinking why do I feel low, so non-resilient.
       I've been missing things. The things that give me pleasure. If I didn't think I was a person who needs human interaction or a social butterfly, I know now! People watching hasn't felt the same either haha. Work has helped; seeing colleagues. Generally it's "normal", but the added stress of staff shortage never helps haha. The buzz of a chaotic city is a distant memory.

I‘ve always had an ability to be happy and productive alone & I've evolved enough to be content in losing myself in tasks but I genuinely miss it all: restaurants, theatre, country houses, cinema, camping, shopping, pubs, dating. At least we've been able to walk around country parks, but dating, boy oh boy...that's a biggie for me. I miss men. Period.

       This may come across as 'moan & groan,' apologies, but it leads me nicely to resilience. If we define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity/trauma, it is fair to say my positive adaptation and ability to maintain MH has fallen in recent times. Resilience involves, bouncing back, remaining flexible, keeping going & staying well. 
       I may or may not be alone with the feeling of lacking in this strength right now, but if I’m not, you can at least now have knowledge that you are not alone! 

So, I looked back on my peer work training, and had a good read through my ‘first aid kit’ and resilience tools. It’s been extremely helpful at regaining insight in to my own behaviours. Those of us who suffer from MH issues will understand what’s knocks us off balance. My ‘off day signs’ had become to blur into the week, so I knew I had to pick myself up again.

My toolkit includes a combination of aspects: -
physical: sleep, exercise, breathing exercises, good diet, medication
mental: recognise triggers, seek help or access online groups, impulse control, reflection, acceptance
spiritual: lighting incense/candles, meditation, being around nature, positive quotes
emotional: be around animals, social support, clean and declutter, laughter, podcasts

This first aid kit is not exhaustive. It could include other simple acts such as, watch a new drama series, practice gratitude, cook and so forth..

I think it is fair to say that everyone is struggling in some capacity, and we need to consistently prepare ourselves. Stress can make it difficult to make even the smallest decisions about life. In order to approach new tasks and situations optimistically, developing a wellness plan helps us to develop resilience and helps you intervene quickly when you spot early warning signs. Mindfulness aids us to enjoy the present moment, task or event at a time, taking that pressure away

I really hope someone can take something from my scribing and it’s urged them to look at their own resilience. Remember what resilience also is not- We all have vulnerabilities and weakness at times. This is not failure. We can get back on that horse and ride again, once more and feel excited for life being "normal" again..

   

My 2020 New Year musings

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

Happy 2020. I hope that you've enjoyed the festivities and that the new year gives you everything you desire. I cannot believe another decade has zoomed by. I feel good about the '20s I think. She says. I felt bloated & sluggish on NYD so I exercised and went for a winter walk. Then it was back to work, reality. I have shed loads of things to attain and achieve and this did give me some panic- but with some great pep talks from my family and friends over the Christmas period, I am determined to get what I desire.

I wanted to get rid of a horrid situation (so many things about it angered me, that I thought I'd share it with you!) But nahh, I'm not going to air too much dirty laundry; this is not Dear Diary haha. It's unfair so I'll remove most of the narrative but the gist is >>
      So, if you look back on my previous post, I had been dating someone for a while: Decent, interesting person I thought; a few red flags I chose to ignore because I felt an emotional connection that seemed compelling. Meh. Well, it doesn't take a genius to work out that someone is cheating- But apparently guys, he wasn't, because we'd ended [I, however wasn't aware of the fact.] Not to worry though, as no hurt was intended (!) Yada yada. Whilst they were going through some struggles, whilst I was constantly trying to check up on how he was...I got told "I need space" They saw fit to give someone else the opportunity to support & care for them. Wow, huh.
      You know when you look back and know exactly where you went wrong yourself, apologised & would have happily talked it over, but cannot fathom why the other person could never understand your point of view? That is disappointing stuff right there! head over to my Insta to see a more insightful post. With this said, my door is always kindly open to unfinished business. 

The aggravating thing is that I think when you put two opposite people together, there are many differences to work through of course, but in my opinion, the intimacy is off the scale.. And maybe, I value that a whole lot more than other people.
Destruction follows, chaos follows. We all make mistakes; no-one's perfect, but I know that whatever move I make, I take accountability of it. Own up. I do at least like people to understand my logic! You have to accept that the energies are for your highest good. Toxic energy leaves for a reason- and I'm not talking about just relationships.

Thing is, when these things happen, I instantly think, oh it's my fault. What's wrong with me, I'm the denominator. What has someone else got that I haven't. My thoughts become obsessive and negative. NO LUCY NO
This was not good. Horrendous whilst I was keeping up appearances at work etc. Then my birthday came in Nov and I thought, screw it, if someone who I cared about could go behind my back like that, I deserve a respectful man; not someone who made me doubt myself. Someone who appreciates you, wants to understand you and your idiocracies. We need solid don't we, no silly games. 2020 is a time you gain that, even if that means being your own soulmate.

The power is our own. Our choices are our own. I put lots of things in motion last year yet it still didn't feel right. I need to trust my own choices and instincts more, but also take risks this year. I know that I can easily hold back on things that I particularly want but it equally scares me. So I sabotage it - or do I? I certainly don't deserve to be discarded. I have an appreciation of people with mental health issues. I work in MH. I always wish to support, but I won't tolerate anyone adding to my own stresses unless they take responsibility for their own actions. You reap what you sow. Hi Karma!

Your external world is a reflection of your internal world. Soo I'm taking inspiration from a previous post of mine: Boss babe Spiritually, 2020 will be a big, powerful year of change and reward. I'm hoping for physical manifestation. If you see the number 4 flying around, take that as a very positive sign from the Universe :-) 4 is power, foundation, elemental. I want to take heed of my above post and embrace self care & wellness. Consider healthy new habits and routines to get into better shape: reading more often, go for long walks, take up that hobby that should have happened in 2019...

So what will be on your Self Care List? Maybe try writing a small goal could be set for relationships, career, interests, physical/mental health, personal growth. Whatcha reckon, fancy joining me on a quest to let go of habits that hold you back, cope with stressful situations with more ease, plan fun things to do in advance, find a beautiful love, heal from grief ?? 

 

Life Thus Far: an overview

Woah, so my blogging activity has been TERRIBLE this year. I haven't felt much like journaling at all but due to the fact my last post was at the beginning of 2019, I need to compose one for the end of the year [near enough] ...So here goes, a bit of a good ole, wordy ramble.
       Ps. Guys, if you have read my blog and got a glimpse of my personality, my lack of posting is by no means intentional. I've not had the emotional energy or capacity this year 


So, as many know, this time of year is my favourite. The leaves turn to rich colours of gold and fall gracefully to the ground; the nights get darker [albeit, not so much to my liking], but Halloween/Samhain arrived, along with Bonfire night so I'm happy. I think it's a magical time and special in remembering those who have passed on. A time of reflection & reconnection

I have been seeing plenty of angel numbers in the last couple of weeks, so I am taking that as little nudges from above :) I find manifestation or law of attraction difficult but I'm hoping that by staying open & receptive, I shall receive what I most desire.. My mind is a collection of analysis, worry and multitasking currently, so fingers crossed, faith and persistence will see me through to the end of the year!

During Jan/Feb, my immune system decided to do a u-turn again so to be honest, I just felt a bit bleak for 2 months. Colds, sinusitis, norovirus...all that good stuff ;) ha, erm no.
       In April, my Grandmother fell very ill. She has had atrial fibrillation for years which is an irregular heart rate. She was in hospital for a few days but deteriorated at home; for a week all the family rallied round. We slept there, I took days off work...then back to hospital. Pacemaker fitted. She's definitely not got the energy she did have but at almost 87, she's still going- and that's the main thing! I focused very much on work in the following months; still am. I began some verrryy intense training in peer work. So this being, supporting and guiding people with mental health issues in their own recovery/journey. To be able to be said peer worker you have to have lived experience of mental health issues/brain injuries- it felt like a natural, next phase of life. It's very new in the UK and it's not really going as I expected but I will persist. I really want my story to help someone!

I feel like I've experienced a lot of changes this year, although, everything still feels very much 'up in the air'; maybe that's something that's been universally felt ? I have to remind myself often that I'm not that bad a person, even though shitty things do happen. Perhaps it is true that "you get what you're strong enough to handle." To that I always think, I'm strong enough, but maybe I'm not. Yet. At almost 32 and 15 years of turbulence, you'd think I was to be fair...We need to remember that we have to look back at what we have achieved, than what we have not. It's usually the case that if you look back at where you were a year ago, things have moved on a lot since. However, it can also be true that if you are asked on the spot to name 3 positive things about yours versus. negative, the latter can be easier to summarise. What a shame that is.
       Sadly, I fear that's how I've been feeling lately. The last 3 months of a year are really important & I'm not in the mindset I wanted to be. You reap what you sow, right? I'm a caring enough person with a warm heart; I like to help others, but I'm not really helping myself much. Esp. when some people just don't want your support however much you reach out! My personal life sucks and that never fails to get me down but then I let that lose my focus and that is SO wrong. Things like that can't rule your life but when you feel like an off-balance jigsaw, one's temper and headspace can soon snap!!

My dating life was fairly chequered until June, and now, well, lets go with plateaued; varying reasons. A pity really, I like(d?) this one a lot. Shan’t give up yet. I'm incredibly sick of dating- The majority of men bore me. Apologies fellas. Please read>> the dating underbelly
       Christmas, such a wonderful time to be alone too... (Yep, please do sense the sarcasm.) Less said the better about it all; in these circumstances I'd usually blame mercury retrograde, and in fact, yes I will blame it. Why not. It is a deep and murky one right now. Who knows, the universe might throw the good stuff back again. My luck can't be this bad! retrograde release


Anyway, it's my birthday soon and I have a week off leading up to it so I've got plans on the go for that :) & christmas presents to purchase. Single or not, I want to make it lovely. Even though there are things I'm still unhappy with, I've tried my best this year! We should pat ourselves on the back for those moments where you feel so blue but you put on whatever 'hat' you must, wear a smile and gradually, that smile becomes truth. I've had some crappy moments in Oct that took my anxieties/depression back to a few years ago..I've worked really hard on my mental health with the help of (mainly the mother) my support & I can't go back there. I've been purposefully making a habit of using prayer at night. I'm not religious, more agnostic and spiritual, obvs. When I whip out the crystals and incense and talk, particularly to my friend Fénian, I know he’d want me to push on. He believed so much in me and I can't let him down, even when my emotions overburden me.

Hope my honesty does touch or help someone. Feel welcome to e-mail me! It's amazing how quickly times flies by. I definitely do feel like I need to put more thought into cherishing & embracing moments because time really is precious.