Life Thus Far: an overview

Woah, so my blogging activity has been TERRIBLE this year. I haven't felt much like journaling at all but due to the fact my last post was at the beginning of 2019, I need to compose one for the end of the year [near enough] ...So here goes, a bit of a good ole, wordy ramble.
       Ps. Guys, if you have read my blog and got a glimpse of my personality, my lack of posting is by no means intentional. I've not had the emotional energy or capacity this year 


So, as many know, this time of year is my favourite. The leaves turn to rich colours of gold and fall gracefully to the ground; the nights get darker [albeit, not so much to my liking], but Halloween/Samhain arrived, along with Bonfire night so I'm happy. I think it's a magical time and special in remembering those who have passed on. A time of reflection & reconnection

I have been seeing plenty of angel numbers in the last couple of weeks, so I am taking that as little nudges from above :) I find manifestation or law of attraction difficult but I'm hoping that by staying open & receptive, I shall receive what I most desire.. My mind is a collection of analysis, worry and multitasking currently, so fingers crossed, faith and persistence will see me through to the end of the year!

During Jan/Feb, my immune system decided to do a u-turn again so to be honest, I just felt a bit bleak for 2 months. Colds, sinusitis, norovirus...all that good stuff ;) ha, erm no.
       In April, my Grandmother fell very ill. She has had atrial fibrillation for years which is an irregular heart rate. She was in hospital for a few days but deteriorated at home; for a week all the family rallied round. We slept there, I took days off work...then back to hospital. Pacemaker fitted. She's definitely not got the energy she did have but at almost 87, she's still going- and that's the main thing! I focused very much on work in the following months; still am. I began some verrryy intense training in peer work. So this being, supporting and guiding people with mental health issues in their own recovery/journey. To be able to be said peer worker you have to have lived experience of mental health issues/brain injuries- it felt like a natural, next phase of life. It's very new in the UK and it's not really going as I expected but I will persist. I really want my story to help someone!

I feel like I've experienced a lot of changes this year, although, everything still feels very much 'up in the air'; maybe that's something that's been universally felt ? I have to remind myself often that I'm not that bad a person, even though shitty things do happen. Perhaps it is true that "you get what you're strong enough to handle." To that I always think, I'm strong enough, but maybe I'm not. Yet. At almost 32 and 15 years of turbulence, you'd think I was to be fair...We need to remember that we have to look back at what we have achieved, than what we have not. It's usually the case that if you look back at where you were a year ago, things have moved on a lot since. However, it can also be true that if you are asked on the spot to name 3 positive things about yours versus. negative, the latter can be easier to summarise. What a shame that is.
       Sadly, I fear that's how I've been feeling lately. The last 3 months of a year are really important & I'm not in the mindset I wanted to be. You reap what you sow, right? I'm a caring enough person with a warm heart; I like to help others, but I'm not really helping myself much. Esp. when some people just don't want your support however much you reach out! My personal life sucks and that never fails to get me down but then I let that lose my focus and that is SO wrong. Things like that can't rule your life but when you feel like an off-balance jigsaw, one's temper and headspace can soon snap!!

My dating life was fairly chequered until June, and now, well, lets go with plateaued; varying reasons. A pity really, I like(d?) this one a lot. Shan’t give up yet. I'm incredibly sick of dating- The majority of men bore me. Apologies fellas. Please read>> the dating underbelly
       Christmas, such a wonderful time to be alone too... (Yep, please do sense the sarcasm.) Less said the better about it all; in these circumstances I'd usually blame mercury retrograde, and in fact, yes I will blame it. Why not. It is a deep and murky one right now. Who knows, the universe might throw the good stuff back again. My luck can't be this bad! retrograde release


Anyway, it's my birthday soon and I have a week off leading up to it so I've got plans on the go for that :) & christmas presents to purchase. Single or not, I want to make it lovely. Even though there are things I'm still unhappy with, I've tried my best this year! We should pat ourselves on the back for those moments where you feel so blue but you put on whatever 'hat' you must, wear a smile and gradually, that smile becomes truth. I've had some crappy moments in Oct that took my anxieties/depression back to a few years ago..I've worked really hard on my mental health with the help of (mainly the mother) my support & I can't go back there. I've been purposefully making a habit of using prayer at night. I'm not religious, more agnostic and spiritual, obvs. When I whip out the crystals and incense and talk, particularly to my friend Fénian, I know he’d want me to push on. He believed so much in me and I can't let him down, even when my emotions overburden me.

Hope my honesty does touch or help someone. Feel welcome to e-mail me! It's amazing how quickly times flies by. I definitely do feel like I need to put more thought into cherishing & embracing moments because time really is precious.

January Realisations.

So the dreaded January has vanished...and I for one am thrilled! I do hope 2018 was a productive one for all ? The new year is definitely in full swing and on paper, my month has been good, but in theory, I've hit some hurdles and it's affected my month. Thankfully, I'm a resilient character & have drowned thoughts out during the days {however, when you have had sinusitis for a week after not being ill in years, and feel ready for your next B12 shot, you know you need to do some cathartic writing!} 

For my own sanity/mental health and protection of a close family member, I don't wish to delve too much into the finer details, but dealing with negative events that occur within your own household are not topics you like to broadcast but lately, I am feeling particularly reflective and wish to discuss some serious matters...In the hope of reaching out to someone who perhaps deals with a Jekyll & hyde character. Or use it as you will!

No-one, especially someone close, should make you feel inadequate and doubt your own skills. For instance, empathy is very different to sympathy- 'feeling sorry' for a person or thinking about how you would feel in their situation, doesn't quite cut it. If you find that you're not getting the sufficient support you may need, I say...swim to another path, change direction. I always think of myself as family-oriented. I love all of my family; my brothers are everything, my nephews whom I adore, every single person, but you sometimes become aware of bad vibes that make you second guess yourself, why? Why should any-one make you feel discouraged or dampen your spirit

Sometimes, you realise who is true to you and who isn't. I find it really tough if said people are actually 'family'. In my opinion, the definition of the word means support, security, someone who shares your problems:: Many nurturing connotations right!?

Now surely, family (or friends) shape our personalities- we learn from one another through our lives; they boost self-confidence, speak truths, grow from mistakes, own responsibility....
       If you suddenly find the opposite happening, what do you do? Cut ties, remove the toxicity, resume routines, accept unwarranted opinions? Unfortunately, it's happened to me previously with someone, and it's a horrible feeling. Eventually, you confront it head on, you talk, argue even, agree to disagree, forgive but never forget, explain your reasoning for removal. Thankfully, it all worked out, talking and listening in a non-judgmental manner was hugely advantageous!! I just hope my latest situation sorts out just the same...

If you've followed my blog or looked back at my previous posts, you will have read that I've had a tad of a rollercoaster ride since I was 16. Now I can't stress enough that I have never made an excuse of anything in my life due to the fact of having brain surgery- but due this fact, I was changed as a person but I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I may have hit a bad patch some time ago, but I work hard at being me & haters aren't wanted! I won't tolerate negative verbal diatribe headed towards either my mother, or me. When you have the biggest fan who happens to be your mum, anyone knows how strong that bond is.
     
       So, is any of this familiar to you !? I'd love to hear some stories or tips on how you respond...
For now, happy February ❤️

Retrograde release & Spring is springing!

Soooo, how are we in March already ?! I recall blinking and now it is Easter next week...God knows when that happened.
       Now, it may not look or feel like it, but Spring is here, and if you look hard enough, Mother Nature is trying hard to show us some signs.

Our planetary alignments also work hard at doing just that. (spoiler: this will be a bit spiritual-y, but y'all know how my posts are..) Mercury has gone retrograde in Aries and the Spring Equinox has arrived. Have you been feeling ultra emotional? Hyper-sensitive? That'll be the pre-shadow period for you. So, for a week before Mercury stations you may feel like technology is failing you, delays happen, past feelings/people catch up with you; basically, we're consciously aware of hurts, needs, triggers. Some of us may feel that more. I do as I'm quite a watery sign, but my fire soon bites back.

How can we move forward into April with passion and action, but with purpose and in our best interests? For me, I'm a pretty logical person but in retrograde, I think my perfectionist side gets muddled and confused. I want to get the show on the road but also want to be sure on whether I am right in my decisions, so some Aries, impulsive energy may be good for me to give me some extra fire! Perhaps you too. Remember though, introspection is key here, being impulsive isn't always wise, especially now.

A lot of readers may think getting in touch with your spiritual side is nonsense, but for me, it's helps me become a tad more mindful & eases stress- so it may for you ? You know, we have so much armour on these days that we forget to nurture. Take this time to become more present. Consciously release any physical or mental stress that might be present in your body or mind. Be kind to you, shed the ego and social conditionings. Reinvigorating ourselves can help us to wire ourselves up differently ready for April.

Sometimes, we can chase dreams, achieve goals, compare our lives, that we forget to evaluate things.
This 3 week check-in can help us reanalyse our lives and understand if what we do in our lives is definitely what we want or if any changes can happen. We can refigure out what makes us happy, all around. The whole package of our dream identity might actually be missing a certain je ne sais quoi.. see if you find it again!
       So. Let your sails be set and the winds will blow. If we all have bravery to take charge, we can proceed as our true, selfless selves. What retrograde can do for you, if you wish to apply it, is direct you to a more advanced you- think outside of the box. The seed is ready to grow now, the cocoon of winter needs to be shed. {*note to self}

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, slow down, do some inner work and look at things in a new light. Take a day or two each week to wind down or concentrate on getting jobs you've put off doing (but don't make that taxing, I'm talking spring cleaning, blog work etc!)

My last few weeks have been a bit odd, for want of a better word. With winter vibes clinging on and a feeling of a universal somewhat melancholy, I wanted to grab this chance to perhaps reach out to someone who really needs a pep talk. Misfortune is always greater to someone else and even at our vulnerable states we can find strength

Take care and let me know your thoughts below! If you'd like to hear more of what I love, feel welcome to follow my Insta >>>

Hands up masochists!!

Emotional Masochism.

Now there's a opening statement for you! I was having a read through my blog and how I wish to enhance it to its full potential {because it really needs it!} Anyway, I was thinking to myself, "What would my readers like to read; articles about beauty, fashion, adventures...which I do love. Or real life? Some insights into my soul, my personal issues or just my everyday life"-- And from this, I discovered that my readers get the most satisfaction from reading about how I get through life with the added pressures that may come about, due to internal struggles that have occurred from time to time.
       So I'm sticking with that! If you feel differently or think of anything I could improve upon, let me know..I'm just a message away guys!

In my last post [sorry, how long ago Luce?] we were in the depths of Spring, well now we have here our Summer Solstice, yay :-) Offering us some flighty, warm feels, hope and fiery energy. Yes? Well not for everyone. I'm doing well but not everyone has those sunny, light emotions and it can be an isolating, confusing time for some. We have also endured, as a Universe, some horrific Terror attacks, natural disasters and fires. The list is endless and devastating, but this in itself can make may a person quite fearful.

For those who suffer from an invisible/mental illness, just because there is a lightness or warmth in the air, it doesn't mean that their troubles just disappear, and unfortunately not everyone has the skill of empathy to understand that fact. For some people, getting out of bed in the morning is a huge task; they may torment themselves for not being happy*, be on the verge of tears.   *never feel bad about that
       For example, we're half way through the year which can flood us with some tricky astro alignments that can cause the worry about your next steps in life's next cycle. Do you ever feel like this? It can seem like one step forward & two back, and in the past six months I've definitely had feelings of…'what have I learned, am I fitter, why haven't I dated, have I saved enough ££' This kind of masochism makes you feel as though you're on a rollercoaster 100% of the time. Perhaps flip those thoughts and consider the rollercoaster as a practice run: Life is a journey!
       There can be pressure during the longer, brighter days to not emotionally hibernate or get stuck in a loop. This surely is tough going if your 'get up & go' has flown. I say it alll the time, but as it is summer, get yourself out in nature, exercise, listen to birdsong, bring colourful, aromatic flowers indoors. Trust that it'll improve your wellbeing, even if it's just a smidge.

Carrie Bradshaw proclaims "I must be some sort of masochist or something" - SATC.

Why do we do this. Go round in circles. We know it's bad, we know it's insane but still, there's a lingering self-flagellation going on…the subconsious want of experiencing pain and ache, even though it does you no good. La Douleur Exquise. It's a pretty sadomasochism point of view but it's true. It's pain that becomes more intense, psychosomatic. A flood of worry and uncertainty can consume a person so quickly, even when life has been improving. Enough-Don't do it-Don't destroy the good elixir! Find that helpful resource and focus on that; be it a friend, parent, an animal or therapist. I recently heard that the most evolved people are the most broken. Who knows if that is true, but that colourful past you have, embrace it. Emotionally torturing oneself over & over will only lead to heartache. Think of law of attraction, you've done the work so the world will do the rest- we need to learn to let things shift for the better by themselves...

If you can take any tips from me, which I hope someone can, remember that the year is not over. Life is not over for you. Perhaps an open heart can lead to an open mind & anything can happen. Good, bad, sometimes we never know but 2017 in particular is all about new beginnings and manifestation. Use that to your advantage; live those days, don't question why you're doing so well and then revert back to type in a state of emotional chaos. Is it worth it?