A tale of a two month slump!

It appears to me that two months seems to be my "go-to" number in regards to the length of my post hiatus'. That must change. Now!

This, my blogsphere folk, is going to be an honest overview. To be fair, I'm always pretty open right?! However, I have no qualms in saying I have endured a wretched couple of months...personally. I'd love to put a positive spin on things but that isn't always me and I can't pretend that it is. Life, for some of us, is not always smelling of roses; I've mentioned before about how my identity can differ and how I can change facades and adapt. Well, that got tiring… 

For a while I think I have felt like I've lost my identity somewhat. Physically, mentally, sexually, soulfully, sensually. Ever felt like that? It doesn't half suck! 
      I know why the feelings are lingering, but I just haven't known how to handle it of late. I've felt a bit disconnected from my friends (even though they are GREAT supportive listeners & it's my fault) but they don't need to be bogged down with my crap when everyone has their own issues to contend with.
      I do reckon I've turned a corner, I hope through the use of a new understanding of how your brain really can be affected years later after brain surgeries and new medication, I can be less temperamental, for want of a better word.  It's all trial and error. I'm also back exercising as I lost that focus too and I'm seeing that as a positive stage as I must be feeling more stable. Thank god though because I've put on a fair few pounds and feel whale-esque :-/ 

Ya see, I come from a pretty highly strung family. I'm close to my grandmother but we can clash SO much, maybe because we're alike in the worst ways. Achievers, stubborn, obsessive, worriers. These can be good traits but lately they have been my downfall. I'm very aware that I most be one of the most stubborn women in the world but that has turned into skyrocketing anxiety levels :-( Some days it's like my head is literally going to explode haha. Not the easiest or prettiest thing to hide from people!!

Inside my brain..probably!!

Anyyyways, it does feel kind've tricky these days to be me. Or to just be. I don't know, I suppose life seemed so exact a year ago. I was so certain on where life was going. Ever since I was 16 & being diagnosed with the tumour, life never really gave me what I wanted; I always worked hard for things…which is fine and all, but it can be bloody frustrating when you see others' getting EVERYTHING! I'm not particularly an envious person..we're all rich in differing ways, but for the last couple of months, I've been so jealous of couples. You know the awful feeling when they are just everywhere you look, acting all perfect and precious. Bleurgh! Screw them! 

      Thing is, I want that. I had that. And some days, dare I say, I want that back. But alas, ancient history sadly. F*ck him ha. As morbid as sounds, I've treated these last 11 months like grief. I grieved for my friend passing on, so why not a failed relationship right?! Probably not the greatest advise to give but when you give something up that you love what else can you do. 

However, all I'm lumbered with is bad dates with mediocre, 2-a-penny men! I seem to be on a roll with them. I mean my god, do blokes really think you can win a girls' heart with arrogance, a bottle of wine [that they wish for you to drink alone- Yeah because I'll fall for that!] and chauvinistic humour- Where are the intelligent, beautiful men at?!! So for now, I'm not fishing for dates, there's definitely no point looking for "the one", not when you're 27 yo and have a "type". I suppose I should be more flexible, but I have tried that within my [almost]year of being single & it's not worked...To be fair, I'd rather date my cat. And being fancy-free & single is enjoyable at times ha.

On to something else entirely different, the tv series, The Affair, has begun in the UK. It is so good and feeding my missing sexuality in life, if you please! With two awesome British actors in an American drama, you can expect great suspense and storyline, adult themes and fabulous scenery. If you haven't managed to watch it, check it out! 

Until next time :-) If you have any single girl tips or bad dates to share, go right ahead.

Spring in my step!

Hello hello :-)

So, I've found myself in the depths of March & it's officially Spring! It is still a bit gloomy and chilly here in the UK but it's occasionally picking up and the sun has been shining. I cannot WAIT for all the lighter evenings and warm weather, sitting in a pub garden with a cider and friends...adorned by a light, summery maxi dress! 

I know that, again, my post uploads are severely lacking, but I think I just get wrapped up in life and get a case of writer's block :-/ As you will find in my previous posts since last summer (Life thus Far: an overview), life has thrown some right curveballs at me, but I think since the start of 2015, I started to see the light and gradually picked myself up; I still get dark days, why wouldn't I, I'm human after all? 
       I mean, my dear friend is still no longer here on Earth, my father still has cancer and a guy whom I trusted with every fibre of my being, still left me….but these are things I cannot change. But I've learnt that when you have the support of family and friends (my mum is a saviour in human form) and can feel their unconditional love, you realise that life is just testing you..yet again haha.  We all suffer from pain and it's not so bad, that's just how the cookie crumbles, right??!

What you may or may not realise is that it is Brain tumour awareness month (Brain Tumour Survival) So close to my heart, yet at times I feel I am not doing enough to raise such awareness. Since my brain tumours in '04, I do suffer from fatigue, balance issues, (occasional) anxiety and (sometimes) severe tension headaches/migraines. This is caused mostly by unwanted stress, that quite often, I stupidly bring on myself. I think that's why last year felt so difficult. I don't think people can easily understand something that is quite complex..Akin to depression, you may look very normal, but deep down, you're a complicated individual who requires lots of emotional support. Hmm.

What does help me at the moment is both exercise and taking the correct medication. Exercise is such a great focus. It's just a pity I'm not always great with consistency and healthy eating HA. But this workout gear helps, check them out at Fabletics….

Camacan Capri; Sintra Bra

Now, in the spirit of my desire for summer to hurry up, here's something amazing to listen to….imagine that mojito please ;-)

A New Year, A New Me Maybe

Hello! And a very belated Happy New Year to all :-) 

I've been, yet again, a slacker of a blogger for a few months…my only excuse is that I spent the previous few months taking my own advice [breakup wise], focusing greatly on my friends, work and the festive season, in which I hope everyone also enjoyed!! I really enjoyed my Christmas; it was very family oriented which is lovely when you don't always get see everyone frequently, isn't it? A couple of weeks ago I was on a course of antibiotics as I was diagnosed with a chest infection and sinusitis. Nice. It made sense, I'd felt rough since Oct/Nov! I had the flu jab as well so I was pretty annoyed that I didn't get away with illness. Grr. Winter is a pain eh. Great for the clothing wardrobe though eh! 
         Oh, and to top it off, I sprained my foot afterwards, think my body clearly thought I was an accident prone one woman show :-P

If you have read my previous posts, you will see that I am certainly an animal lover. Well in November, I thought it would be nice to adopt a new companion for my Tilda, since our senior cat had passed away. My first cat, god bless him, was a little boy, so I thought it would be lovely to have another, although I did pre-determine that perhaps a boy and girl will not get along too well. Fast forward, and I am correct. Tilda is a timid, precious, little girl, and to be greeted by a boisterous Tabby boy was probably not one of my greatest ideas. It began with a lot of hissing and growling from Tilly.  She is getting slightly more tolerable but prefers to stay away from him at all costs which saddens me as I don't want her to feel she needs to hide. Any advice would be great? Research into this behaviour will continue.

On to another furry love of mine..my hamster Pippin.  He will be two years old this May, so he is getting on a bit now :( Sadly, about a week ago, I noticed that his tummy seemed enlarged. He is eating normally but I'd say he drinks quite a lot and seems to be nesting. I have come to the awful conclusion that he has a tumour. He is old but most of my childhood hammy's lived to 3. So I am quite sad that he may soon die. I will probably take him to the vets for confirmation, but I fear they'll say he needs to be euthanised. I suppose that is the kindest thing to do….? But I will miss him very much indeed.

So, since my last post, I have been on a few more dates. I have been single now for six months, there's been tears, hatred, reflection..the whole lot, and it's fair to say, I'm still yet to find my true love, but you know what, I'm now 27 years of age and even though settling down is on my agenda, I am still young; as every one keeps telling me!! Now, on to the dates HA well, they've been fun but if they are anything to go by, either I am really picky or I was just lucky with my last boyfriend! My last relationship, as many can tell, was important to me but I can see it for what it is now..somebody gave up on me & I do not like that. If somebody really loves you, they try harder; but we all have limits in relationships and the other person hit theirs :-/ I am a true believer in fate and that life has a path for you. It still confuses me as to why certain things in my life have happened, but they have, and you have to learn to cope with it. 

What I certainly haven't been doing is judging men by the standard of the boyfriend which once was. There is no point in comparisons, it gets you nowhere, but I'm not rushing into anything that's for sure. I don't think you should invest into something with someone when you aren't sure if it is right. 
        Now to be honest, I've come to the realisation that analysing & thinking everything happens for a reason is a woman's game. Men can get away without even a goodbye but some of us girls spend time searching for knowledge, but those people are usually going through some kind've self-improvement….Well that's me done. Maybe there aren't always reasons. For the last three months I've worked on myself and what I do want to do is continue having interesting dates; if love comes along, great. If not, then I'm not seeking it WHOLLY anyways! I do have criteria though but don't we all? I don't think anyone should scrimp on that :-D  

Utilising your tools is a must. Have fun with single life, it definitely doesn't need to be lonely, there's plenty of single men out their ladies!! Just think, whoever let you go it's their loss, they've now freed you to find plenty of uncomplicated, attractive singletons. Just don't confuse them all ;-)

3 Month Itch vs. 3 Month Celebration??

Hi there folks- long time no see! So I want to treat this post as a bit of an epiphany speech, yeah, lets go with that one...

Not to blow my own trumpet (but who else will?) I've never had a form of rejection and probably didn't handle that too well so I did feel lousy, sad, confused, lost, angry, betrayed, hurt….and no I'm not looking for a violin but I want people to gain some comfort or understanding that it is ok to feel these emotions after a break-up, let yourself feel them; it's perfectly normal :-) Please just see it as that and nothing more :-D 

I believe that most women would say it takes half the time you were together with some someone to truly "get over that someone"… Now, if I were to compare that to myself, I'd be waiting a jolly long time to "get over that someone"!!! To quote Carrie Bradshaw, where does the love go? Usually into the arms of another, lets not sugar-coat that! Perhaps men, particularly, spot another woman and decide they fancy that instead !?

I would never be prepared for that so I took the realistic option in order to move on to pastures new. I figured if a person meant anything to you, those feelings don't just go away or disperse. Personally, I don't understand people who move on really quickly, I've seen it happen so often; it's like being single sounds too lonely or something so chop chop, must find someone ASAP! Sure, if you're cold hearted or truly just faked/lied the love or lost it instantly, then way to go; you're free to move on to the next vict…I'm sorry, love of your life :-P 
             But not everyone feels like that and I certainly didn't. So, I thought to myself, no, I had love for the boyfriend which once was so if I want to wallow in self pity for a while I bloody well will! Might not be the best of choices but it was my way of coping. I didn't wish to move straight on to someone else but I did start dating- sadly to no avail & no-one ideal has come along [YET], it's like finding a needle in a haystack haha, but I feel like being on my own and learning to not have a man there beside me at the mo, has helped restore some identity and try some self-improvement- It has not deterred me from finding love again, sure I can be honest and say I thought I was done but it appeared that I clearly had more bad points to my personality to this person, than good, and I'm not cool with that. A guy I've been seeing actually nicely pointed out that if someone is negatively looking at the things that you do not do or have, rather than the positive- then they aren't worth your time. No-one is perfect guys, we all have faults but we should work through them with a significant other not just look at the bad times!!

Hello Short Hair!!

I have heightened emotions anyway due to having my brain surgery and due to not being given a mature explanation/apology I felt like my world was not justified; like my future was ripped away from me! Now…I was quite low for a couple of weeks, but I had to start a new job so I knew that I had to pick myself up. I'm pretty good at gaining strength from unknown places..and this is what happened: - 

• I lost a stone in weight. I lost 4lbs in 2weeks: Not the greatest advertisement (and I don't recommend it) but a broken heart spurred me to carry on. I started eating healthier food, exercising; now I just need to maintain it and tone my body up!
• Instead of wondering what I did wrong, I looked at myself and thought "Their loss" I have differences and quirks that make me, me. Facing adversity should have taught me that already :) Cheesy but be in love with yourself, don't go getting yourself depressed, withdrawn…build yourself up, buy new outfits! 
• I got new haircuts and dyed it back to my single girl dark locks. Perfecto!
• I threw myself into my job- this was tricky. It was quite draining having to put a bit of a facade on in order to do the job justice but I'm doing alright and it's a fun job 
• I accepted dates by men who previously weren't overly interested in me..pure ego boost yeah, lets be honest there. Good to know us ladies can be missed by men!
• I took time to think of my own future plans, I often see a relationship I'm in as an "us" so the "I" is now well and truly back: Studying/voluntary work, potential business ventures, personal development courses such as sign language, take a final plunge into sports that my illness stunted me from doing, much more cooking, brain tumour ambassador work…It's thrilling to have just ME to think about!
• I spent more time with friends and actively listened to their opinions and advice. I love the friends I have. Not to mention my godsend of a family :-) Be sure to let them know what you need; a film night, indulge in shopping, go out for cocktails..it will revive your spirit. Try not to dwell on painful memories; then raise your standards with new lovers & accept that your ex will move on- they're not replacing you, they probably just emotionally broke off from the relationship before it ended and fell in love with someone else (harsh but true) 
• I understood that this was obviously not the person for me, as much as I wanted them to me, they weren't good enough..they didn't love me enough…End of!

If anyone has any other advice to offer up for others or thoughts on the post, comment away :-)

Life thus Far: an overview

Well, it is August and two months since my last post. Unfortunately, this current post does not find me in the happiest of mindsets. July has been a horrific month for varying reasons: -  

My Mr KB can now be known as "the boyfriend which once was"- and I don't think of that fondly at all. (I just don't particularly wish to call him an ex). In June, we hit a rocky patch, which I stupidly thought was sorted, despite my better judgement. It took a weekend of closed off coldness and distance from him, plus a dodgy text whereby I had to decipher and decode what it was he was trying to say, before I realised that I may as well become single. Fabulous!!!                                                             
         To be honest, I did not realise I was in a relationship with the lion from the Wizard of Oz haha; As much courage as a fly..or my cat- Now she is a full blown scaredy cat! So all those memories I made within the year and a half seem a bit pointless now. I'd rather erase them and start from scratch with someone new…life is cruel and impossibly heart wrenching at times. 

It was my friend Fénian's anniversary of his death the same week the same week the above happened and we parted ways. A week after that it also would have Fénian's  27th birthday. Wow, life, you certainly know how to shower a girl with kindness :-/ 

I also began a new job role. Which selfishly I needed a boyfriend for. I'm a strong woman but I also have no qualms in stating that I need certain people in my life to "pick me up", to make me feel better and to guide me. Mr KB was one of those things, I always saw him as my best friend, my future, a soul mate if you will. Funny how those terms of endearment can turn quickly into "You Great Big Twat!" 

My family then had to endure the fact the my father has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Oh yeah. Life is fun. 

When I look back at my previous posts, when I was single or when I first started dating the boyfriend which once was, I shudder and wonder whether I was right all along, that perhaps relationships and me work on paper but result in barriers Life Thus Far: an overview Are the Gods trying to tell me something!? All I know is this…I made a conscious decision last year that I was sick of being single, tired of casual flings and was looking for "The One". Clearly my relationship was built on lies. I'm not going to go into details but faults were on both sides, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted mine. Perhaps that is a sign of maturity. When I speak to my grandmother, she is from an Era where people fought for marriages to work, people didn't give up easily, they dedicated their life to someone and loved them. They worked out what was wrong and found solutions to their problems. 

Now, I know this isn't a very optimistic post but I won't leave it on a negative notion. This past month has been a roller coaster of events and emotions. My life has never been smooth sailing and it persists in continuing to be full of ups and downs. I've had to a put a facade on every day to be honest…going to work in the week and spending weekends in self pity.. ranting to family and friends about my loathing of the boyfriend which once was. What I can honestly glean now is that I loved my boyfriend more than he did me. I was willing to make things work despite any difficulties that might arise in the future. It seems I could never compete with the allure of gadgets, bachelorism or hobbies :-/ (Not that I'd want to take that away from a bloke)
         I've been picking myself up and get back on the horse, have a little bit of fun. I can't spend time feeling hurt anymore- he isn't, in fact he has been so calculating, cruel and cold that he is probably relieved, loving life & not caring about little ole me! If someone wants you in their life, they make it happen. I do deserve more than a little boy who feels dedicating his life to just a career is more important than including a partner in that as well and exclaiming that I would even compromise said career. Cheers! Personally, I think that is pretty bizarre. As I previously noted, I have faults. I didn't wholly support the little boy's career choice from day Uno but most women would completley echo my reasons why. It is hard for me to have had no goodbye, to have been shunned and not spoken to in any friendly way, when I put so many eggs into my basket and developed such a strong bond with a man- I realise now he just fell out of love!!
          In some ways I'm glad to know I haven't evolved past having feelings, having morals, decency, politeness and kindness! I think I could have more respect for someone if they were actually brave enough to be a friend but it's time to look forward and hope that I can feel contentment & an emotional/physical bond with someone new, I'm done with being toyed with like a dog, where maintaining contact doesn't seem likely from their point of view :-/ Right now, yeah I'd probably love to have my old life back but I don't foresee it soo…..See you later Mr wolf in sheep's clothing!

Perfect Mantra's!!!

Any advice/thoughts on this matter, send them my way! Ever been in a situation where you honestly feel someone has made a big mistake?

Inner Desires of the Heart

I need to take the opportunity every one, to give my apologies for being away for such a long time!! I may as well admit to blogging failure but not defeat, I'm just one huge procrastinator! 

I shall do a follow up post to detail new happenings and adventures with Mr KB as in fairness, an amount of changes occurred in the last 7 months. Changes that include ups and downs:: My beautiful family cat sadly passed away to kitty heaven, I celebrated my 26th birthday, started a job/changed the job and built up a mass of memories with Mr KB :-)

Recently, I have been thinking about desires and how, as humans, we all have wants and needs. Perhaps some of us openly have more than others (?) As a norm, I'm pretty open and direct about things I would like, necessities I need or desires I crave. However, I can closet these away depending on the company.. rather alike to switching your true personality on or off when it suits! 

Take me, I'm a worry wart to the core; my own worst enemy who can have little faith in oneself! I know what my inner desires are and to be honest, I daren't imagine what kind of lunatic mess I will be in when I finish preparing for those wants and needs. My other half says I'm like a hamster, constantly running around on the wheel; but in my head (yeah, he confuses me too!) I can't help it though, my head still feels like it's playing "catch up" due to my previous illness :-/ Mmm I guess I am just one of those "happy, but.." girls. The ones who say "oh I have so much to do but it can wait until tomorrow". I change my mind like the wind, never entirely sure on the correct option- Not that great in my line of work!

However, wait… Is there a correct option?! Our hearts can get so conflicted with our heads that I often think we lose sight of what's what. We've all heard of the quarter-life crisis. Mine's still lingering, the other half's is in full flow! I fully believe that generations have either evolved to become more stressed or I must just thrive on it haha. Getting our inner desires is hard. Life is expensive. Getting on the property ladder is tough and student debt follows graduates like a bad smell. It is a rat race we've become accustomed to and sometimes I wonder where the meaning is, the solitude, the lack of pressure. 

           For me, it's likely I have unrealistic expectations of what to achieve by the age of 30 but for anyone who understands my nature, I love a good old time frame…Eureka! Spontaneity, there's nothing quite like it, unless of course you have no time or ££ for it- then that's when you hit your crisis. Life has bitten you with realism. Which sucks. You know though, I don't want that much; a nice house, career, children, husband, car. It's the process that's tricky! 

There's no wonder teen girls look at young, rich celebs and find themselves wrapped up in the media's web of lies! I mean, we can't all have a gigantic bank account or live off the bank of Mum and Dad. I do find the whole vast amount of money that is thrown around quite extravagant and over exposed..you can start to piece together why some teenagers are becoming self indulgent and materialistic :-( 

Why Can I Not Turn Back Time!?!

So surely then, if we gain a new perspective on ourselves, we will feel content. Life is what you make of it after all :-) Our deepest desires certainly don't have to cost fortunes of money, if anything. It's important to realise that what we want doesn't always come to us, yet things we've wished for, for years can happen in an instant, when least expected. Learning to live with what we have and been given can be difficult but also necessary. Perhaps what every 20-something woman needs to discover is that: -

1)  Money cannot buy happiness, love, status or success

2)  Budgeting and managing finances is a sure way to reach a goal This is hard, very hard but doable, I scrimp and save in the hope that I'll get my dream house in a few years. In the meantime, I'll settle for a property that will see me through a rough, saving patch

3)  Forming strong relationships/friendships is key to a healthy lifestyle

4)  There must be room for fun and adventure It needs be done for one's sanity. A walk somewhere new, a slightly expensive purchase, a meal out, a weekend away...just budget it in ;-) 

5)  Now you're all grown up, gain body confidence Accept the flaws and assets but if you are still not content, change it. Exercise healthily in order to get your dream bod! [I must follow my own advice here]

So hopefully, we can all sit back and relax a bit more, quit the worrying and we'll be on track to fulfilment - AND BE MORE DOG! 

What advice would you give to another 20-something? Is there anything you regret not doing or would change?

The Joy of Animals

It's the beginning of October and it's safe to say it's the start of my favourite few months. As much I love summer, once you feel those nights draw in, you are ready to say your goodbyes to a warm, festival season and welcome autumn with open arms! Why? Well who doesn't love sitting next to a blazing fire in a house that smells of cherries and honey; drinking hot chocolate and adorned in knitwear, fur lined boots and hats!? 

October is the season of pumpkins, fireworks, mulled cider, frights and forest splendour with its rich, vibrant colours of gold, red and green. The falling leaves make beautiful cushions streaming through parks and a fresh, misty air surrounds us. I love love it! This said, the chill of winter is on the horizon where the skies appear greyer and a time of reflection comes to the fore. 
       These colder months always fill me with excitement for upcoming festive events, which are evidently a big thing for me: Joy of Christmas It is even more so exciting now I have my beautiful Mr KB to join with me :-)

With autumnal reflection close to mind, the season also encompasses sadness for me. I'm 100% an animal lover and am a happy furry baby mummy to two pets. I love cats (crazy cat ladies unite!) and in 2009 I adopted a gorgeous black boy: Billy. However, last October my precious one sadly passed away at aged 3. It was sudden, acute and terrible. Not a period I like to relieve, and like many tragic events, they end up in a box in my mind. He began sneezing and looking 'off colour'. Numerous visits to the vet and money spent on treatment & suchlike, an illness was not determined! A few weeks later, he was rushed to an emergency vets whereby more money was spent. Eventually, I had to make the decision to euthanise him. Heartbreaking. He was like a child and so I endured grief for my loss.  

For those people out there that cannot comprehend why people grieve the loss of a cat.. I say try having one then you'll see! It's equivalent to any animal, or human for that matter. Everyone has a unique reaction to the death of a beloved pet. My reaction: unashamed crying. My family and I buried Billy in our front garden with his favourite toy. My father made a wooden cross for him and planted three rose bushes. I miss his loving, wild, hunting nature and mysterious 'black cat' mentality. 
       I couldn't live without my cat, thus, I had to fill the void.  Along comes Matilda (tilly). A beautiful little princess with an obscure, somewhat aloof, personality: now 1 & 3 months. I'm not sure how long you should wait to mourn until you get a new cat, but she doesn't replace him at all and I'm so glad I have her! 

Our family cat is Tabitha, a 16 year old tortie. She's lived with us for 9 years. She 'adopted' us in 2004. Like a stray she'd venture in our house for food, however, she wished to always stick around longer. She was a large lady! We in fact made a nest for her believing she was pregnant. Eventually, we found the owner who claimed we could have her as Tabitha wasn't a lap cat and she didn't like that. Shameful woman!! Well, a year on from losing Billy, we're pretty sure she's on her last legs as her organs are failing right now :-( 

I believe people like to nurture and care for pets like children.  They share our homes and we form bonds with them, they provide us with heart-lifting pleasure and in fact, they comfort us. Tabitha came to my family at a perfect time: First introductions She looked after me when I was at my most vulnerable and helpless self, giving me purpose, happiness, love and positivity. As ridiculous as this may sound to some, I'm grateful for her and losing her will be heart-wrenching. 
       Animals provide mental and emotional benefits. The release of endorphins when in the company of an animal improves mood, alertness and health. There's no wonder cats and dogs are brought to ill patients in hospitals or retirement homes. The joy they give humans is so simple; all they ask for is food, shelter, affection & play. Their unique characters provide hours of entertainment and aid companionship. 

A month ago I've added another creature to my home. A cutiepie, golden syrian hamster named Pippin. Again, he keeps an inner child's sense of amazement alive in me and lightens any darker moments I might have :-)