Optimism on a dull, grey day.

Hello lovely ones!! 

I wanted to take this opportunity to offer my thanks. I have had some very lovely comments and feedback from people about my Instagram, blog and the content. It feels so good to hear that people appreciate my words and that I may have helped them in some small way, inspired or cheered them up. So thank you; and keep the comments and messages coming! Let me know how I can help out :-) Insta link: Personal Instagram

It is exactly the direction I wish to take with this here blog. I would love to branch out more in to the blogosphere, as writing really does give me some cathartic clarification [So if anyone would like to offer some tips, please do…] 

I have found 2015 to be a pretty tough year for me, which to be honest, I wasn't expecting. It's funny isn't it, how life springs negative things on us eh?! As they say, life's a bitch…
       I ended 2014 hoping to begin a new chapter in life, after my relationship [[and potential future]] ended so abruptly, and in fairness, I felt optimistic and my job provided a lot of that. However, like at many other points in my life thus far, "God" or "someone" felt that I needed another pitfall!! Ha. Give me strength. I'd begun some new medication back in November '14 and it was going great until my new GP decided to use me as his guinea pig. Eurgh. To cut a long story short, it screwed with my brain big time and somehow I think some post traumatic stress was sprung upon me. Lovely stuff!!

I'm Agnostic if anyone is wondering! See: A question of Faith 

Working through all of this has been difficult, but sort've enlightening. Keeping up those ol' facades of mine has been an effort though I can tell you that! It has hugely frustrated me recently how some folk exclaim that they never get what they want, yet from what I can see, they clearly do. Yet those of us who, dare I say, deserve some luck, get nothing. Where is Karma - show yourself!
       Now that we are in August - Hang on, August, where does the time fly to!?!, I'm gradually beginning to feel better within myself, and I'm actually more or less content with my single status. I have days where I think I should just settle for someone so I can have all those slushy, couply stuff that humans crave [HA] but there's no way I'm doing that. I'm waiting for my man..prince..soulmate. He's out there somewhere. She says :-/          

For all of you out there who suffers with personal issues, whether that be mental, physical etc, please know that speaking out is the first step to recovery. There are always going to be triggers, but there is always help. So many people are empathetic and understanding to your needs. I really hope that I myself embody that. We sometimes may feel worthless, hard work or temperamental, but please do remember that inner strength is usually within you in spades! I came across these fantastic images recently, so I'll share them….

Turning Points

So, I thought I would wait a few weeks until I next write again. Oh, before I forget, if you glance over to the right of my blog, I've added my instagram page- feel free to have a look and follow :-)

I think I've hit a better corner at the moment, thus said, I had a bad week last week as it include two of my now, most hated memories…but I did just fine, ish. My moods have been very up and down, which has certainly made me question my own sanity ha. My own mother calling me abrasive [granted, said in a fairly jovial manner] has definitely kicked me into touch a tad!! :-/ 

My blog feels a bit of a negative dumpsite with musings on dating right now, so I promise I will change it...Then again, my dating life is something that is quite current at the minute, so you may still read some of intimate details, if you want!? HAHA. I also should not treat it as some form of diary. I should be focusing on enhancing the blog :-) That was my intention initially to do exactly that, by when has my life ever panned out perfectly :-p It could do with some sprucing up to be honest, so I'll work on that. 

I must say, even though my blogging isn't consistent, it has however, been good over the past year to have an outlet. That said, my feelings about things are never left unsaid haha. I think my family and friends must be very tolerant of me! Should you want to see which events occurred for me a week or so ago, do read...Life thus Far: an overview :-)

       As you'll read, July is not exactly a favourite month of mine now, which is frustrating when it's usually a lovely summery month in Britain! It was my friend's second anniversary of his death this year and also a year that I've been single..boohoo..both fall within the same week. 

Losing Fénian is something that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. That fact that he took his own life still sends shivers down my spine. I felt VERY guilty when it happened, as I was aware of how clinically depressed he was feeling. I saw him a couple of months before; he spent a weekend with me and he explained how confused and dark he was feeling. My very last memory of him is of him lying next to me with his head on my shoulder. I'd let him sleep for quite a length and we lay listening to the ambient sounds of Trance music- something we've done since we met back in 2005. 
       He lived a fair while from me, and both being busy people [He worked at the University of Leicester, partaking in many academic accomplishments], we didn't always have plenty of time to see each other. However, I'm 100% sure we both knew that we shared a strong understanding of each other. He met me when I had not long endured my final brain tumour operation and he became quite the protector of me. You can imagine that, at that time, I was not back to my confident, sociable self, but Fénian was so very empathetic to my plights. He confided in me about his own personal issues. Being a vivacious, intelligent, gentle, confident, dramatic, 6'3" man had begun to take its toll on him. When he was within my company, I think he felt comfortable enough to be himself, to talk about his flaws and his worries. I indeed was witness to a fair few of his panic attacks. The last time I saw him he had recently finished his Masters of Law. Being a highly skilled student Ambassador, he explained that he felt he was 'being pushed pillar to post', being asked to complete a PHD. However, he was fearful that he was not earning enough money and said that he just wanted time to figure out what he wanted from life. I think his default setting was always wanting to please people but he was losing his steam. Indeed, I'm sure he kept up a fine facade in front of his friends, but I could see him slipping away :-( 
       My guilt still exists. During the first few months of 2013, I was completing my Dissertation. I had also started dating the ex. So my attention was on all of that. I wanted to make sure Fénian was ok so I text as much as possible, and he sounded like he was progressing a bit. He confided in me that he was now on Anti-Depressents. I did try and deter him from this, urging him to be careful. The texts then reduced a bit, until I messaged him about me coming to see him. I had no reply…Then. It happened. He'd gone. 

As you can probably see, I miss him so much. He was someone I confided in, knowing that he'd understand. He honestly was a soul that didn't have a bad bone is his body. 

To be honest, whilst I write this, I believe that I've learned more about myself this year than ever before, in regards to understand myself and how I work. Having my illness has definitely made me have a greater empathy towards those who suffer in silence or struggle in some form. Hence my choice of career I suppose! I'm drawn to people subconsciously, I think, who I feel would have knowledge of what it's like to feel 'abnormal', either through personal experience or sheer empathy.

The long term effects of damage to the brain are quite often hidden. I feel like a lot of disabilities are ignored, unless people can see something is physically "askew" with you, where physical pain or 'difference' can be seen. 
       I believe that's why I felt so hurt by the ex. It was disappointment. When you think you share a connection with someone, you don't necessarily think they will disappoint you; but when they do, it's nice to see true colours. It's a shame for that other person though, because they'll never understand how much love really was on offer, that they threw away. I pity those sort of people.  

So please, I urge you to become more emotionally intelligent. See beyond someone's exterior and think about how a person may feel by your actions. It's so imperative to reach out a hand. I watched a programme recently about disability hate crime. It is going unrecorded, even for crime against people who may have facial disfigurements, or are physically disabled. So I fear for those who may have hidden disabilities. People should never have to suffer in silence. Consequences do exist.

Despite how chaotic I sometimes feel inside my head..I'm still holding myself up strong!

On a final side note, as I mentioned previously, I'm exercising more which really does help de-stress me. I recommend keeping up the old fitness levels to those of us can feel quite wound up or frustrated..or anyone in general to be fair!

I've took up baking as a new hobby; one thing to add to many things I've totalled up in my head so far. I'm not bad to be fair; if I say so myself. I think being a perfectionist may help, as all ingredients are measured to a T! 

      I should have took more photos of what I've made..but I can't by bothered with the whole, pretentious "food porn (look what I made)". Unless of course, someone is offering instructions on how to make said food….or a cake business..I guess.

A tale of a two month slump!

It appears to me that two months seems to be my "go-to" number in regards to the length of my post hiatus'. That must change. Now!

This, my blogsphere folk, is going to be an honest overview. To be fair, I'm always pretty open right?! However, I have no qualms in saying I have endured a wretched couple of months...personally. I'd love to put a positive spin on things but that isn't always me and I can't pretend that it is. Life, for some of us, is not always smelling of roses; I've mentioned before about how my identity can differ and how I can change facades and adapt. Well, that got tiring… 

For a while I think I have felt like I've lost my identity somewhat. Physically, mentally, sexually, soulfully, sensually. Ever felt like that? It doesn't half suck! 
      I know why the feelings are lingering, but I just haven't known how to handle it of late. I've felt a bit disconnected from my friends (even though they are GREAT supportive listeners & it's my fault) but they don't need to be bogged down with my crap when everyone has their own issues to contend with.
      I do reckon I've turned a corner, I hope through the use of a new understanding of how your brain really can be affected years later after brain surgeries and new medication, I can be less temperamental, for want of a better word.  It's all trial and error. I'm also back exercising as I lost that focus too and I'm seeing that as a positive stage as I must be feeling more stable. Thank god though because I've put on a fair few pounds and feel whale-esque :-/ 

Ya see, I come from a pretty highly strung family. I'm close to my grandmother but we can clash SO much, maybe because we're alike in the worst ways. Achievers, stubborn, obsessive, worriers. These can be good traits but lately they have been my downfall. I'm very aware that I most be one of the most stubborn women in the world but that has turned into skyrocketing anxiety levels :-( Some days it's like my head is literally going to explode haha. Not the easiest or prettiest thing to hide from people!!

Inside my brain..probably!!

Anyyyways, it does feel kind've tricky these days to be me. Or to just be. I don't know, I suppose life seemed so exact a year ago. I was so certain on where life was going. Ever since I was 16 & being diagnosed with the tumour, life never really gave me what I wanted; I always worked hard for things…which is fine and all, but it can be bloody frustrating when you see others' getting EVERYTHING! I'm not particularly an envious person..we're all rich in differing ways, but for the last couple of months, I've been so jealous of couples. You know the awful feeling when they are just everywhere you look, acting all perfect and precious. Bleurgh! Screw them! 

      Thing is, I want that. I had that. And some days, dare I say, I want that back. But alas, ancient history sadly. F*ck him ha. As morbid as sounds, I've treated these last 11 months like grief. I grieved for my friend passing on, so why not a failed relationship right?! Probably not the greatest advise to give but when you give something up that you love what else can you do. 

However, all I'm lumbered with is bad dates with mediocre, 2-a-penny men! I seem to be on a roll with them. I mean my god, do blokes really think you can win a girls' heart with arrogance, a bottle of wine [that they wish for you to drink alone- Yeah because I'll fall for that!] and chauvinistic humour- Where are the intelligent, beautiful men at?!! So for now, I'm not fishing for dates, there's definitely no point looking for "the one", not when you're 27 yo and have a "type". I suppose I should be more flexible, but I have tried that within my [almost]year of being single & it's not worked...To be fair, I'd rather date my cat. And being fancy-free & single is enjoyable at times ha.

On to something else entirely different, the tv series, The Affair, has begun in the UK. It is so good and feeding my missing sexuality in life, if you please! With two awesome British actors in an American drama, you can expect great suspense and storyline, adult themes and fabulous scenery. If you haven't managed to watch it, check it out! 

Until next time :-) If you have any single girl tips or bad dates to share, go right ahead.

Spring in my step!

Hello hello :-)

So, I've found myself in the depths of March & it's officially Spring! It is still a bit gloomy and chilly here in the UK but it's occasionally picking up and the sun has been shining. I cannot WAIT for all the lighter evenings and warm weather, sitting in a pub garden with a cider and friends...adorned by a light, summery maxi dress! 

I know that, again, my post uploads are severely lacking, but I think I just get wrapped up in life and get a case of writer's block :-/ As you will find in my previous posts since last summer (Life thus Far: an overview), life has thrown some right curveballs at me, but I think since the start of 2015, I started to see the light and gradually picked myself up; I still get dark days, why wouldn't I, I'm human after all? 
       I mean, my dear friend is still no longer here on Earth, my father still has cancer and a guy whom I trusted with every fibre of my being, still left me….but these are things I cannot change. But I've learnt that when you have the support of family and friends (my mum is a saviour in human form) and can feel their unconditional love, you realise that life is just testing you..yet again haha.  We all suffer from pain and it's not so bad, that's just how the cookie crumbles, right??!

What you may or may not realise is that it is Brain tumour awareness month (Brain Tumour Survival) So close to my heart, yet at times I feel I am not doing enough to raise such awareness. Since my brain tumours in '04, I do suffer from fatigue, balance issues, (occasional) anxiety and (sometimes) severe tension headaches/migraines. This is caused mostly by unwanted stress, that quite often, I stupidly bring on myself. I think that's why last year felt so difficult. I don't think people can easily understand something that is quite complex..Akin to depression, you may look very normal, but deep down, you're a complicated individual who requires lots of emotional support. Hmm.

What does help me at the moment is both exercise and taking the correct medication. Exercise is such a great focus. It's just a pity I'm not always great with consistency and healthy eating HA. But this workout gear helps, check them out at Fabletics….

Camacan Capri; Sintra Bra

Now, in the spirit of my desire for summer to hurry up, here's something amazing to listen to….imagine that mojito please ;-)

A New Year, A New Me Maybe

Hello! And a very belated Happy New Year to all :-) 

I've been, yet again, a slacker of a blogger for a few months…my only excuse is that I spent the previous few months taking my own advice [breakup wise], focusing greatly on my friends, work and the festive season, in which I hope everyone also enjoyed!! I really enjoyed my Christmas; it was very family oriented which is lovely when you don't always get see everyone frequently, isn't it? A couple of weeks ago I was on a course of antibiotics as I was diagnosed with a chest infection and sinusitis. Nice. It made sense, I'd felt rough since Oct/Nov! I had the flu jab as well so I was pretty annoyed that I didn't get away with illness. Grr. Winter is a pain eh. Great for the clothing wardrobe though eh! 
         Oh, and to top it off, I sprained my foot afterwards, think my body clearly thought I was an accident prone one woman show :-P

If you have read my previous posts, you will see that I am certainly an animal lover. Well in November, I thought it would be nice to adopt a new companion for my Tilda, since our senior cat had passed away. My first cat, god bless him, was a little boy, so I thought it would be lovely to have another, although I did pre-determine that perhaps a boy and girl will not get along too well. Fast forward, and I am correct. Tilda is a timid, precious, little girl, and to be greeted by a boisterous Tabby boy was probably not one of my greatest ideas. It began with a lot of hissing and growling from Tilly.  She is getting slightly more tolerable but prefers to stay away from him at all costs which saddens me as I don't want her to feel she needs to hide. Any advice would be great? Research into this behaviour will continue.

On to another furry love of mine..my hamster Pippin.  He will be two years old this May, so he is getting on a bit now :( Sadly, about a week ago, I noticed that his tummy seemed enlarged. He is eating normally but I'd say he drinks quite a lot and seems to be nesting. I have come to the awful conclusion that he has a tumour. He is old but most of my childhood hammy's lived to 3. So I am quite sad that he may soon die. I will probably take him to the vets for confirmation, but I fear they'll say he needs to be euthanised. I suppose that is the kindest thing to do….? But I will miss him very much indeed.

So, since my last post, I have been on a few more dates. I have been single now for six months, there's been tears, hatred, reflection..the whole lot, and it's fair to say, I'm still yet to find my true love, but you know what, I'm now 27 years of age and even though settling down is on my agenda, I am still young; as every one keeps telling me!! Now, on to the dates HA well, they've been fun but if they are anything to go by, either I am really picky or I was just lucky with my last boyfriend! My last relationship, as many can tell, was important to me but I can see it for what it is now..somebody gave up on me & I do not like that. If somebody really loves you, they try harder; but we all have limits in relationships and the other person hit theirs :-/ I am a true believer in fate and that life has a path for you. It still confuses me as to why certain things in my life have happened, but they have, and you have to learn to cope with it. 

What I certainly haven't been doing is judging men by the standard of the boyfriend which once was. There is no point in comparisons, it gets you nowhere, but I'm not rushing into anything that's for sure. I don't think you should invest into something with someone when you aren't sure if it is right. 
        Now to be honest, I've come to the realisation that analysing & thinking everything happens for a reason is a woman's game. Men can get away without even a goodbye but some of us girls spend time searching for knowledge, but those people are usually going through some kind've self-improvement….Well that's me done. Maybe there aren't always reasons. For the last three months I've worked on myself and what I do want to do is continue having interesting dates; if love comes along, great. If not, then I'm not seeking it WHOLLY anyways! I do have criteria though but don't we all? I don't think anyone should scrimp on that :-D  

Utilising your tools is a must. Have fun with single life, it definitely doesn't need to be lonely, there's plenty of single men out their ladies!! Just think, whoever let you go it's their loss, they've now freed you to find plenty of uncomplicated, attractive singletons. Just don't confuse them all ;-)

3 Month Itch vs. 3 Month Celebration??

Hi there folks- long time no see! So I want to treat this post as a bit of an epiphany speech, yeah, lets go with that one...

Not to blow my own trumpet (but who else will?) I've never had a form of rejection and probably didn't handle that too well so I did feel lousy, sad, confused, lost, angry, betrayed, hurt….and no I'm not looking for a violin but I want people to gain some comfort or understanding that it is ok to feel these emotions after a break-up, let yourself feel them; it's perfectly normal :-) Please just see it as that and nothing more :-D 

I believe that most women would say it takes half the time you were together with some someone to truly "get over that someone"… Now, if I were to compare that to myself, I'd be waiting a jolly long time to "get over that someone"!!! To quote Carrie Bradshaw, where does the love go? Usually into the arms of another, lets not sugar-coat that! Perhaps men, particularly, spot another woman and decide they fancy that instead !?

I would never be prepared for that so I took the realistic option in order to move on to pastures new. I figured if a person meant anything to you, those feelings don't just go away or disperse. Personally, I don't understand people who move on really quickly, I've seen it happen so often; it's like being single sounds too lonely or something so chop chop, must find someone ASAP! Sure, if you're cold hearted or truly just faked/lied the love or lost it instantly, then way to go; you're free to move on to the next vict…I'm sorry, love of your life :-P 
             But not everyone feels like that and I certainly didn't. So, I thought to myself, no, I had love for the boyfriend which once was so if I want to wallow in self pity for a while I bloody well will! Might not be the best of choices but it was my way of coping. I didn't wish to move straight on to someone else but I did start dating- sadly to no avail & no-one ideal has come along [YET], it's like finding a needle in a haystack haha, but I feel like being on my own and learning to not have a man there beside me at the mo, has helped restore some identity and try some self-improvement- It has not deterred me from finding love again, sure I can be honest and say I thought I was done but it appeared that I clearly had more bad points to my personality to this person, than good, and I'm not cool with that. A guy I've been seeing actually nicely pointed out that if someone is negatively looking at the things that you do not do or have, rather than the positive- then they aren't worth your time. No-one is perfect guys, we all have faults but we should work through them with a significant other not just look at the bad times!!

Hello Short Hair!!

I have heightened emotions anyway due to having my brain surgery and due to not being given a mature explanation/apology I felt like my world was not justified; like my future was ripped away from me! Now…I was quite low for a couple of weeks, but I had to start a new job so I knew that I had to pick myself up. I'm pretty good at gaining strength from unknown places..and this is what happened: - 

• I lost a stone in weight. I lost 4lbs in 2weeks: Not the greatest advertisement (and I don't recommend it) but a broken heart spurred me to carry on. I started eating healthier food, exercising; now I just need to maintain it and tone my body up!
• Instead of wondering what I did wrong, I looked at myself and thought "Their loss" I have differences and quirks that make me, me. Facing adversity should have taught me that already :) Cheesy but be in love with yourself, don't go getting yourself depressed, withdrawn…build yourself up, buy new outfits! 
• I got new haircuts and dyed it back to my single girl dark locks. Perfecto!
• I threw myself into my job- this was tricky. It was quite draining having to put a bit of a facade on in order to do the job justice but I'm doing alright and it's a fun job 
• I accepted dates by men who previously weren't overly interested in me..pure ego boost yeah, lets be honest there. Good to know us ladies can be missed by men!
• I took time to think of my own future plans, I often see a relationship I'm in as an "us" so the "I" is now well and truly back: Studying/voluntary work, potential business ventures, personal development courses such as sign language, take a final plunge into sports that my illness stunted me from doing, much more cooking, brain tumour ambassador work…It's thrilling to have just ME to think about!
• I spent more time with friends and actively listened to their opinions and advice. I love the friends I have. Not to mention my godsend of a family :-) Be sure to let them know what you need; a film night, indulge in shopping, go out for cocktails..it will revive your spirit. Try not to dwell on painful memories; then raise your standards with new lovers & accept that your ex will move on- they're not replacing you, they probably just emotionally broke off from the relationship before it ended and fell in love with someone else (harsh but true) 
• I understood that this was obviously not the person for me, as much as I wanted them to me, they weren't good enough..they didn't love me enough…End of!

If anyone has any other advice to offer up for others or thoughts on the post, comment away :-)

Life thus Far: an overview

Well, it is August and two months since my last post. Unfortunately, this current post does not find me in the happiest of mindsets. July has been a horrific month for varying reasons: -  

My Mr KB can now be known as "the boyfriend which once was"- and I don't think of that fondly at all. (I just don't particularly wish to call him an ex). In June, we hit a rocky patch, which I stupidly thought was sorted, despite my better judgement. It took a weekend of closed off coldness and distance from him, plus a dodgy text whereby I had to decipher and decode what it was he was trying to say, before I realised that I may as well become single. Fabulous!!!                                                             
         To be honest, I did not realise I was in a relationship with the lion from the Wizard of Oz haha; As much courage as a fly..or my cat- Now she is a full blown scaredy cat! So all those memories I made within the year and a half seem a bit pointless now. I'd rather erase them and start from scratch with someone new…life is cruel and impossibly heart wrenching at times. 

It was my friend Fénian's anniversary of his death the same week the same week the above happened and we parted ways. A week after that it also would have Fénian's  27th birthday. Wow, life, you certainly know how to shower a girl with kindness :-/ 

I also began a new job role. Which selfishly I needed a boyfriend for. I'm a strong woman but I also have no qualms in stating that I need certain people in my life to "pick me up", to make me feel better and to guide me. Mr KB was one of those things, I always saw him as my best friend, my future, a soul mate if you will. Funny how those terms of endearment can turn quickly into "You Great Big Twat!" 

My family then had to endure the fact the my father has just been diagnosed with Cancer. Oh yeah. Life is fun. 

When I look back at my previous posts, when I was single or when I first started dating the boyfriend which once was, I shudder and wonder whether I was right all along, that perhaps relationships and me work on paper but result in barriers Life Thus Far: an overview Are the Gods trying to tell me something!? All I know is this…I made a conscious decision last year that I was sick of being single, tired of casual flings and was looking for "The One". Clearly my relationship was built on lies. I'm not going to go into details but faults were on both sides, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted mine. Perhaps that is a sign of maturity. When I speak to my grandmother, she is from an Era where people fought for marriages to work, people didn't give up easily, they dedicated their life to someone and loved them. They worked out what was wrong and found solutions to their problems. 

Now, I know this isn't a very optimistic post but I won't leave it on a negative notion. This past month has been a roller coaster of events and emotions. My life has never been smooth sailing and it persists in continuing to be full of ups and downs. I've had to a put a facade on every day to be honest…going to work in the week and spending weekends in self pity.. ranting to family and friends about my loathing of the boyfriend which once was. What I can honestly glean now is that I loved my boyfriend more than he did me. I was willing to make things work despite any difficulties that might arise in the future. It seems I could never compete with the allure of gadgets, bachelorism or hobbies :-/ (Not that I'd want to take that away from a bloke)
         I've been picking myself up and get back on the horse, have a little bit of fun. I can't spend time feeling hurt anymore- he isn't, in fact he has been so calculating, cruel and cold that he is probably relieved, loving life & not caring about little ole me! If someone wants you in their life, they make it happen. I do deserve more than a little boy who feels dedicating his life to just a career is more important than including a partner in that as well and exclaiming that I would even compromise said career. Cheers! Personally, I think that is pretty bizarre. As I previously noted, I have faults. I didn't wholly support the little boy's career choice from day Uno but most women would completley echo my reasons why. It is hard for me to have had no goodbye, to have been shunned and not spoken to in any friendly way, when I put so many eggs into my basket and developed such a strong bond with a man- I realise now he just fell out of love!!
          In some ways I'm glad to know I haven't evolved past having feelings, having morals, decency, politeness and kindness! I think I could have more respect for someone if they were actually brave enough to be a friend but it's time to look forward and hope that I can feel contentment & an emotional/physical bond with someone new, I'm done with being toyed with like a dog, where maintaining contact doesn't seem likely from their point of view :-/ Right now, yeah I'd probably love to have my old life back but I don't foresee it soo…..See you later Mr wolf in sheep's clothing!

Perfect Mantra's!!!

Any advice/thoughts on this matter, send them my way! Ever been in a situation where you honestly feel someone has made a big mistake?