What Is Love?

Hi Lovely Ones! 

In this instance, I'm going to show you something I added on my Insta {right hand side} in which is something I feel very strongly about right now… 

In the aftermath of the absolutely barbaric attacks of terrorism [or lets be realistic..declaration of War] upon our World, I feel somewhat in limbo within myself. Firstly, with how utterly incomprehensible & tragic these attacks are and also how much we need to cherish love. 
        I'm surrounded by a caring family & friends and realise how much I can take it for granted. Life is short and this quote..I want this. {back/again in life ?} Soulmates are rare to find. Grab love with both hands.

The end of the year is nigh and I don't know whether it's a shift in the treacherous weather making getting out of bed a whole lot harder or a shift in my emotional state, but I'm going from philosophical-loving-gloomy-good humoured-angry in about 5 seconds flat these days. 
       Being that it is exactly ONE month until Christmas and TWO days until my 28th birthday, my stress/anxiety levels could be heightened. Or so one of my friends reckons. Thing is, when I think about the above, I think of all the horrors of the world and then think of me, and how I possibly have thrived on stress for so many years that it somehow all toppled down onto me, and then I feel guilty. Like I'm a fraud, ya know?
      Because I am loved, I'm a lucky person but yet, I still compromise the position I am in. It can be tiring to continue to beat yourself up for things that you can't control. Even more tiring when you still have to function in life as normal & almost lie about how you feel/who you are…[1] 
       Then I figured, it's rejection I fear. Rejection of that kind've soulmate intimacy; that I miss, that I want again, that I can't find yet. Despite the fact that I've now been single over a year (Blimey. That's whizzed by), I have to be honest, if the guys I've been left with are anything to go by, I realllly don't want them in my bed ha! Call me picky but I'm old enough to know what I like & where I'm heading. Yes, I have a type I suppose. Look how that worked out for me. Life, you kill me….!! 

[1] There it is, in typical Luce style, I have backtracked. A month ago I wanted to "Put up a fight" You know the saying "one step forwards, two steps back". It's almost like I am not heeding my own advice. I know exactly what triggers negativity/anxieties for me, yet I still push at it. I also am not liking some peoples' opinions towards mental health; the comments they make that make me think 'Am I being fake?' 
It's those "what ifs and defences"  that are my demon. I'm a passionate person, I over-think things because I care but sometimes I think it can get confused by intensity & can then easily form arguments which get miscommunicated which most definitely ended things for my last relationship. I realise that the fretting that I was feeling back then was probably because I felt I was losing (him). That scared me. But I also scared (him). So I'm glad I know that now. I'm a bit crazy ya know ;-)

After a recent discussion with my neuropsychologist, I definitely felt that I am going to do further research into 'alternative' support- as if I'm being perfectly honest, and as anyone is aware I'm a straightforward kinda girl- I don't gel very well with her. I just think we know ourselves the best and I know what I'm doing. Does that sound inconsiderate or make sense!?

Moving swiftly on to some less, intense chit-chat (!)..my Halloween was lovely. Seemed a pretty fitting holiday this year, considering what emotions whirl through my little head! After that, I got ill for a week or so; struck down with the lurgy- I personally blame the flu jab (taken for my low immune system). So no Fireworks this year….
I've been to the theatre a lot recently, there's nothing more magical than the theatre. Bloody love it! 
       The world knows how to struck us when we're hot eh? ;-) Ha.

Exercise has been fabulous; but half a stone takes BLOODY forever to leave!

Just Keep Going; You are Strong

  

Putting up a Fight.

I've been quiet again haven't I guys !? I suck. Haha. Seriously though, I keep meaning to sit and write my posts but I want to steer clear of any of my negative thoughts and provide some positivity and advice. That said, whilst reading back, I think what I do write is honest and true to myself & I should stick to that… So, today I am "out of sorts! My enthusiasm for doing things is a bit low {I'm blaming the autumnal weather & toothache that has emerged} but whilst I'm feeling a bit unproductive with my free day, I've made it my priority to get you back to speed! :-)

Soo, a month on and we've found ourselves in the depths of autumn. Since my last post, I definitely feel like karma has been on my side a teeny bit more- which is great! {she says, whilst touching wood} I'm just hoping and trying to build myself up even more since I'm now in my favourite season..Halloween, bonfires, fireworks, my birthday(!), christmas. love love love.             
       When I've had the time, spending so much more time with friends & family has helped over the past few weeks. I've also focused my energies on other peoples' troubles. It's kind've deviated from mine haha. It really is true that even in the darkest of places, the truest and most loyal of people will stick by you. I've been pretty lucky there…and for all of you, look and you'll see those people who surround you. Never let them go. They are there to help. Keep fighting.

I hereby apologise for the above filthy use of language in said quote..but it cannot be helped. I know also that some judgy people may oppose to soo many quotes but sometimes, you can't think of the words that really are in your mind. You know I'm right !! 

It definitely does bother me somewhat, the lack of fight that people have. Gone are the days where people don't throw things away instantly. That said, I suppose people have their reasons, I'd just love to hear them is all… 

       As aforementioned, I've focused on other people and helped them with their pain. My dad is still going through his C treatment, but the C cells have lessoned, thus he will soon be in a state of remission. We hope. However, my mum had her own recent breast cancer scare having had a lot of pain in that area, so I supported her at a scan. Results were negative. Thank bloody god! I couldn't cope with more illness :-(

My mum. La belle. What a star!

  

So yes, onwards & upwards, this post is. It can be frustrating to explain how your feelings are an ever changing roller coaster but I had a lovely summer really, all things considered; visited plenty of new places & FINALLY saw the RAF Red Arrows perform. Despite the fact that satan [the ex] was/is a pilot, I wasn't going to let him take my enjoyment of planes away. I loved them long before I met his sorry ass haha. I probably should upload all my photos but in fairness, I haven't gotten around to sorting them all out.

Speaking of men, or lack of- My want of a nice date is going on my to-do list. I am so sick of my non interest in any guy. It's completely absurd. I'm fighting my need for a man in my life [[for mostly sexual reasons if I'm being honest]] with the fact that many repulse me (sorry!).. Sucky, sucky brain of mine!

Honestly, if anyone has any tips in fighting this single status, bring them my way. How was your Summer ??

What lies within us...

Do you ever feel like nothing goes the way you intend, like karma and kismet are just not on your side ???

I definitely do! I don't know what it is about this year for me, but I'm pretty sure I've hit a mental blockage of sorts. One that I can hide particularly well!! Which is wrong isn't it? I don't want to hide anymore from who I am. Yes, I do feel like my identity has vanished somewhat in the past few months but gradually, I'm picking up the pieces, and we can all do that despite the fact that we can be our own worst enemy. I know it seems difficult for those of us who seem to hit a brick wall so often, but believe me…we are the strong ones! 

For these past few months [?] I've been over-analysing my life tenfold and got myself to the point of illness, struggling to receive any answers or support. Doctors only see things from a medical perspective I believe. I think they struggle to see a (psycho)social model of people's behaviour. However, in my case at the moment, I do wonder if they are right. If I put my professional hat on, yes I can see the Social Work aspects of my life that have gone wrong & I can understand why my brain still struggles to comprehend why certain things are incorrect…but the only way that's being modified at the moment is via medication. Which I have always needed anyways due to my former surgeries & the side effects that occurred [migraines etc], but I have to agree with Doctors in this case, that medication does work. However, it only masks symptoms, not cure. 

Well let me tell you, if you are going through some life difficulties, never think you are worthless. We all deserve so much joy, but that needs to come from within. I've been trying to condition my mind through force..like literally, psycho cray cray talking myself into doing things that used to be a doodle for me!! It's working for now people :-) 

I'm sure that many people can relate to the "feeling fine, looking fine" ideology, whereby, people are so stereotypical to think that because someone appears ok on the outside, they must be feeling alright. This is where the problems begins right? It's tiring to justify oneself and almost backup why you actually feel like crap. I mean, since my last post, things have gone pretty well for me; give or take a few "black" days, but does that make things better all round? Life is just a performance after all!!
        Looking back at when I was 16/17, whilst all of my friends were leading jovial, simple lives, I was going through sheer hell, and from then on, I can pinpoint exactly why life has felt like a hamster wheel. Then boom, everything goes right, I finished my education, I found the man of my dreams; then he left me. Life has a vendetta against me. Or does it? They do say everything happens for a reason, but that's when the problems start forming…the obsession to find out why things happen to us. 

The complexities of existence is so vast that nothing can be as simple as good karma or bad karma. I think it's a social conditioning that we've manifested to control what life throws but there is that niggling thing of why the cards that are delt do not always "even out the goodness" and that's what pisses me off. It's something you cannot control…

Do you feel like it's as if negative energies are filling up around your soul, and you find it more & more tiring to break free, even though you desperately want to fulfil your passions and feel as you once did..? I know that feeling too well and that's where I get frustrated with karma. Where it's almost like you're the one getting dished bad luck and inequality- that cannot be ones' destiny, right?

I know that we cannot look at other people's lives & conduct comparisons, but it's human nature isn't it, to do so. I try my hardest not to wonder but lately I've been pondering why some of us end up leading somewhat stressful lives, and other people sail through. I think it's almost like your mind has conditioned yourself to think that you are worthless and deserve nothing, thus, you don't act on getting what you desire. 
       So I ask myself- and you- what can we do to stop the panic, stop the anxieties, the modern pressures, the OCD etcetc? Why have we [the chosen ones!] been given such hardships in life, while other's get everything they desire in life; who at times, I feel don't deserve it ??  

       Where is the justice and what are we doing so wrong?

The thing here is, it is so difficult for those with mental health/emotional/cognitive issues to feel like it's not your fault things are as they are {Illness is not your fault; there are some things we can't control}. I believe in being the architects of our fate. I really do think that good karma will come around to those of us who need it, but you can't wait for that to happen. You need to chase it. Don't allow other people to have what you're dreaming of. 
       Easier said than done I know as it's illness' that can stop people from venturing into the unknown or out to our favourite places..but things do catch up with us and suddenly things change through the choices we make. I do feel that our lives are mapped out for us in some ways, to use to either improve upon or dampen..but some things are just meant to happen. Yes, some of us get a lot of "bad luck"- do we deserve it? Hell no. Can we handle it? Hell yes. 

I'm sure that some may think of this is a jealous or bitter question, but I am not that at all. In fact, I am fully aware that some people have very little in life in comparison to me. What I'm talking about is luck. Kismet, if you will. After delving deep inside my thoughts, I think it is apparent that some of us just need extra support, unconditional love. Including from ourselves; from within. I really do believe that those of us have have suffered & survived traumas are exceedingly strong. Like an old, noble soul on a young vessel. 

         Keep that in mind and breathe in this flawless quote…

 














Final note.. I'm sure anyone from the UK may have heard of Jonny Benjamin, featured in his documentary: The stranger on the Bridge. For those in the US, his story can be found here: The stranger on the Bridge but below, I've added a video of his that may be useful if you struggle with all the different types of thoughts that can enter ones' mind.

Take care all :-) 

Optimism on a dull, grey day.

Hello lovely ones!! 

I wanted to take this opportunity to offer my thanks. I have had some very lovely comments and feedback from people about my Instagram, blog and the content. It feels so good to hear that people appreciate my words and that I may have helped them in some small way, inspired or cheered them up. So thank you; and keep the comments and messages coming! Let me know how I can help out :-) Insta link: Personal Instagram

It is exactly the direction I wish to take with this here blog. I would love to branch out more in to the blogosphere, as writing really does give me some cathartic clarification [So if anyone would like to offer some tips, please do…] 

I have found 2015 to be a pretty tough year for me, which to be honest, I wasn't expecting. It's funny isn't it, how life springs negative things on us eh?! As they say, life's a bitch…
       I ended 2014 hoping to begin a new chapter in life, after my relationship [[and potential future]] ended so abruptly, and in fairness, I felt optimistic and my job provided a lot of that. However, like at many other points in my life thus far, "God" or "someone" felt that I needed another pitfall!! Ha. Give me strength. I'd begun some new medication back in November '14 and it was going great until my new GP decided to use me as his guinea pig. Eurgh. To cut a long story short, it screwed with my brain big time and somehow I think some post traumatic stress was sprung upon me. Lovely stuff!!

I'm Agnostic if anyone is wondering! See: A question of Faith 

Working through all of this has been difficult, but sort've enlightening. Keeping up those ol' facades of mine has been an effort though I can tell you that! It has hugely frustrated me recently how some folk exclaim that they never get what they want, yet from what I can see, they clearly do. Yet those of us who, dare I say, deserve some luck, get nothing. Where is Karma - show yourself!
       Now that we are in August - Hang on, August, where does the time fly to!?!, I'm gradually beginning to feel better within myself, and I'm actually more or less content with my single status. I have days where I think I should just settle for someone so I can have all those slushy, couply stuff that humans crave [HA] but there's no way I'm doing that. I'm waiting for my man..prince..soulmate. He's out there somewhere. She says :-/          

For all of you out there who suffers with personal issues, whether that be mental, physical etc, please know that speaking out is the first step to recovery. There are always going to be triggers, but there is always help. So many people are empathetic and understanding to your needs. I really hope that I myself embody that. We sometimes may feel worthless, hard work or temperamental, but please do remember that inner strength is usually within you in spades! I came across these fantastic images recently, so I'll share them….

Turning Points

So, I thought I would wait a few weeks until I next write again. Oh, before I forget, if you glance over to the right of my blog, I've added my instagram page- feel free to have a look and follow :-)

I think I've hit a better corner at the moment, thus said, I had a bad week last week as it include two of my now, most hated memories…but I did just fine, ish. My moods have been very up and down, which has certainly made me question my own sanity ha. My own mother calling me abrasive [granted, said in a fairly jovial manner] has definitely kicked me into touch a tad!! :-/ 

My blog feels a bit of a negative dumpsite with musings on dating right now, so I promise I will change it...Then again, my dating life is something that is quite current at the minute, so you may still read some of intimate details, if you want!? HAHA. I also should not treat it as some form of diary. I should be focusing on enhancing the blog :-) That was my intention initially to do exactly that, by when has my life ever panned out perfectly :-p It could do with some sprucing up to be honest, so I'll work on that. 

I must say, even though my blogging isn't consistent, it has however, been good over the past year to have an outlet. That said, my feelings about things are never left unsaid haha. I think my family and friends must be very tolerant of me! Should you want to see which events occurred for me a week or so ago, do read...Life thus Far: an overview :-)

       As you'll read, July is not exactly a favourite month of mine now, which is frustrating when it's usually a lovely summery month in Britain! It was my friend's second anniversary of his death this year and also a year that I've been single..boohoo..both fall within the same week. 

Losing Fénian is something that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. That fact that he took his own life still sends shivers down my spine. I felt VERY guilty when it happened, as I was aware of how clinically depressed he was feeling. I saw him a couple of months before; he spent a weekend with me and he explained how confused and dark he was feeling. My very last memory of him is of him lying next to me with his head on my shoulder. I'd let him sleep for quite a length and we lay listening to the ambient sounds of Trance music- something we've done since we met back in 2005. 
       He lived a fair while from me, and both being busy people [He worked at the University of Leicester, partaking in many academic accomplishments], we didn't always have plenty of time to see each other. However, I'm 100% sure we both knew that we shared a strong understanding of each other. He met me when I had not long endured my final brain tumour operation and he became quite the protector of me. You can imagine that, at that time, I was not back to my confident, sociable self, but Fénian was so very empathetic to my plights. He confided in me about his own personal issues. Being a vivacious, intelligent, gentle, confident, dramatic, 6'3" man had begun to take its toll on him. When he was within my company, I think he felt comfortable enough to be himself, to talk about his flaws and his worries. I indeed was witness to a fair few of his panic attacks. The last time I saw him he had recently finished his Masters of Law. Being a highly skilled student Ambassador, he explained that he felt he was 'being pushed pillar to post', being asked to complete a PHD. However, he was fearful that he was not earning enough money and said that he just wanted time to figure out what he wanted from life. I think his default setting was always wanting to please people but he was losing his steam. Indeed, I'm sure he kept up a fine facade in front of his friends, but I could see him slipping away :-( 
       My guilt still exists. During the first few months of 2013, I was completing my Dissertation. I had also started dating the ex. So my attention was on all of that. I wanted to make sure Fénian was ok so I text as much as possible, and he sounded like he was progressing a bit. He confided in me that he was now on Anti-Depressents. I did try and deter him from this, urging him to be careful. The texts then reduced a bit, until I messaged him about me coming to see him. I had no reply…Then. It happened. He'd gone. 

As you can probably see, I miss him so much. He was someone I confided in, knowing that he'd understand. He honestly was a soul that didn't have a bad bone is his body. 

To be honest, whilst I write this, I believe that I've learned more about myself this year than ever before, in regards to understand myself and how I work. Having my illness has definitely made me have a greater empathy towards those who suffer in silence or struggle in some form. Hence my choice of career I suppose! I'm drawn to people subconsciously, I think, who I feel would have knowledge of what it's like to feel 'abnormal', either through personal experience or sheer empathy.

The long term effects of damage to the brain are quite often hidden. I feel like a lot of disabilities are ignored, unless people can see something is physically "askew" with you, where physical pain or 'difference' can be seen. 
       I believe that's why I felt so hurt by the ex. It was disappointment. When you think you share a connection with someone, you don't necessarily think they will disappoint you; but when they do, it's nice to see true colours. It's a shame for that other person though, because they'll never understand how much love really was on offer, that they threw away. I pity those sort of people.  

So please, I urge you to become more emotionally intelligent. See beyond someone's exterior and think about how a person may feel by your actions. It's so imperative to reach out a hand. I watched a programme recently about disability hate crime. It is going unrecorded, even for crime against people who may have facial disfigurements, or are physically disabled. So I fear for those who may have hidden disabilities. People should never have to suffer in silence. Consequences do exist.

Despite how chaotic I sometimes feel inside my head..I'm still holding myself up strong!

On a final side note, as I mentioned previously, I'm exercising more which really does help de-stress me. I recommend keeping up the old fitness levels to those of us can feel quite wound up or frustrated..or anyone in general to be fair!

I've took up baking as a new hobby; one thing to add to many things I've totalled up in my head so far. I'm not bad to be fair; if I say so myself. I think being a perfectionist may help, as all ingredients are measured to a T! 

      I should have took more photos of what I've made..but I can't by bothered with the whole, pretentious "food porn (look what I made)". Unless of course, someone is offering instructions on how to make said food….or a cake business..I guess.

A tale of a two month slump!

It appears to me that two months seems to be my "go-to" number in regards to the length of my post hiatus'. That must change. Now!

This, my blogsphere folk, is going to be an honest overview. To be fair, I'm always pretty open right?! However, I have no qualms in saying I have endured a wretched couple of months...personally. I'd love to put a positive spin on things but that isn't always me and I can't pretend that it is. Life, for some of us, is not always smelling of roses; I've mentioned before about how my identity can differ and how I can change facades and adapt. Well, that got tiring… 

For a while I think I have felt like I've lost my identity somewhat. Physically, mentally, sexually, soulfully, sensually. Ever felt like that? It doesn't half suck! 
      I know why the feelings are lingering, but I just haven't known how to handle it of late. I've felt a bit disconnected from my friends (even though they are GREAT supportive listeners & it's my fault) but they don't need to be bogged down with my crap when everyone has their own issues to contend with.
      I do reckon I've turned a corner, I hope through the use of a new understanding of how your brain really can be affected years later after brain surgeries and new medication, I can be less temperamental, for want of a better word.  It's all trial and error. I'm also back exercising as I lost that focus too and I'm seeing that as a positive stage as I must be feeling more stable. Thank god though because I've put on a fair few pounds and feel whale-esque :-/ 

Ya see, I come from a pretty highly strung family. I'm close to my grandmother but we can clash SO much, maybe because we're alike in the worst ways. Achievers, stubborn, obsessive, worriers. These can be good traits but lately they have been my downfall. I'm very aware that I most be one of the most stubborn women in the world but that has turned into skyrocketing anxiety levels :-( Some days it's like my head is literally going to explode haha. Not the easiest or prettiest thing to hide from people!!

Inside my brain..probably!!

Anyyyways, it does feel kind've tricky these days to be me. Or to just be. I don't know, I suppose life seemed so exact a year ago. I was so certain on where life was going. Ever since I was 16 & being diagnosed with the tumour, life never really gave me what I wanted; I always worked hard for things…which is fine and all, but it can be bloody frustrating when you see others' getting EVERYTHING! I'm not particularly an envious person..we're all rich in differing ways, but for the last couple of months, I've been so jealous of couples. You know the awful feeling when they are just everywhere you look, acting all perfect and precious. Bleurgh! Screw them! 

      Thing is, I want that. I had that. And some days, dare I say, I want that back. But alas, ancient history sadly. F*ck him ha. As morbid as sounds, I've treated these last 11 months like grief. I grieved for my friend passing on, so why not a failed relationship right?! Probably not the greatest advise to give but when you give something up that you love what else can you do. 

However, all I'm lumbered with is bad dates with mediocre, 2-a-penny men! I seem to be on a roll with them. I mean my god, do blokes really think you can win a girls' heart with arrogance, a bottle of wine [that they wish for you to drink alone- Yeah because I'll fall for that!] and chauvinistic humour- Where are the intelligent, beautiful men at?!! So for now, I'm not fishing for dates, there's definitely no point looking for "the one", not when you're 27 yo and have a "type". I suppose I should be more flexible, but I have tried that within my [almost]year of being single & it's not worked...To be fair, I'd rather date my cat. And being fancy-free & single is enjoyable at times ha.

On to something else entirely different, the tv series, The Affair, has begun in the UK. It is so good and feeding my missing sexuality in life, if you please! With two awesome British actors in an American drama, you can expect great suspense and storyline, adult themes and fabulous scenery. If you haven't managed to watch it, check it out! 

Until next time :-) If you have any single girl tips or bad dates to share, go right ahead.

Spring in my step!

Hello hello :-)

So, I've found myself in the depths of March & it's officially Spring! It is still a bit gloomy and chilly here in the UK but it's occasionally picking up and the sun has been shining. I cannot WAIT for all the lighter evenings and warm weather, sitting in a pub garden with a cider and friends...adorned by a light, summery maxi dress! 

I know that, again, my post uploads are severely lacking, but I think I just get wrapped up in life and get a case of writer's block :-/ As you will find in my previous posts since last summer (Life thus Far: an overview), life has thrown some right curveballs at me, but I think since the start of 2015, I started to see the light and gradually picked myself up; I still get dark days, why wouldn't I, I'm human after all? 
       I mean, my dear friend is still no longer here on Earth, my father still has cancer and a guy whom I trusted with every fibre of my being, still left me….but these are things I cannot change. But I've learnt that when you have the support of family and friends (my mum is a saviour in human form) and can feel their unconditional love, you realise that life is just testing you..yet again haha.  We all suffer from pain and it's not so bad, that's just how the cookie crumbles, right??!

What you may or may not realise is that it is Brain tumour awareness month (Brain Tumour Survival) So close to my heart, yet at times I feel I am not doing enough to raise such awareness. Since my brain tumours in '04, I do suffer from fatigue, balance issues, (occasional) anxiety and (sometimes) severe tension headaches/migraines. This is caused mostly by unwanted stress, that quite often, I stupidly bring on myself. I think that's why last year felt so difficult. I don't think people can easily understand something that is quite complex..Akin to depression, you may look very normal, but deep down, you're a complicated individual who requires lots of emotional support. Hmm.

What does help me at the moment is both exercise and taking the correct medication. Exercise is such a great focus. It's just a pity I'm not always great with consistency and healthy eating HA. But this workout gear helps, check them out at Fabletics….

Camacan Capri; Sintra Bra

Now, in the spirit of my desire for summer to hurry up, here's something amazing to listen to….imagine that mojito please ;-)

A New Year, A New Me Maybe

Hello! And a very belated Happy New Year to all :-) 

I've been, yet again, a slacker of a blogger for a few months…my only excuse is that I spent the previous few months taking my own advice [breakup wise], focusing greatly on my friends, work and the festive season, in which I hope everyone also enjoyed!! I really enjoyed my Christmas; it was very family oriented which is lovely when you don't always get see everyone frequently, isn't it? A couple of weeks ago I was on a course of antibiotics as I was diagnosed with a chest infection and sinusitis. Nice. It made sense, I'd felt rough since Oct/Nov! I had the flu jab as well so I was pretty annoyed that I didn't get away with illness. Grr. Winter is a pain eh. Great for the clothing wardrobe though eh! 
         Oh, and to top it off, I sprained my foot afterwards, think my body clearly thought I was an accident prone one woman show :-P

If you have read my previous posts, you will see that I am certainly an animal lover. Well in November, I thought it would be nice to adopt a new companion for my Tilda, since our senior cat had passed away. My first cat, god bless him, was a little boy, so I thought it would be lovely to have another, although I did pre-determine that perhaps a boy and girl will not get along too well. Fast forward, and I am correct. Tilda is a timid, precious, little girl, and to be greeted by a boisterous Tabby boy was probably not one of my greatest ideas. It began with a lot of hissing and growling from Tilly.  She is getting slightly more tolerable but prefers to stay away from him at all costs which saddens me as I don't want her to feel she needs to hide. Any advice would be great? Research into this behaviour will continue.

On to another furry love of mine..my hamster Pippin.  He will be two years old this May, so he is getting on a bit now :( Sadly, about a week ago, I noticed that his tummy seemed enlarged. He is eating normally but I'd say he drinks quite a lot and seems to be nesting. I have come to the awful conclusion that he has a tumour. He is old but most of my childhood hammy's lived to 3. So I am quite sad that he may soon die. I will probably take him to the vets for confirmation, but I fear they'll say he needs to be euthanised. I suppose that is the kindest thing to do….? But I will miss him very much indeed.

So, since my last post, I have been on a few more dates. I have been single now for six months, there's been tears, hatred, reflection..the whole lot, and it's fair to say, I'm still yet to find my true love, but you know what, I'm now 27 years of age and even though settling down is on my agenda, I am still young; as every one keeps telling me!! Now, on to the dates HA well, they've been fun but if they are anything to go by, either I am really picky or I was just lucky with my last boyfriend! My last relationship, as many can tell, was important to me but I can see it for what it is now..somebody gave up on me & I do not like that. If somebody really loves you, they try harder; but we all have limits in relationships and the other person hit theirs :-/ I am a true believer in fate and that life has a path for you. It still confuses me as to why certain things in my life have happened, but they have, and you have to learn to cope with it. 

What I certainly haven't been doing is judging men by the standard of the boyfriend which once was. There is no point in comparisons, it gets you nowhere, but I'm not rushing into anything that's for sure. I don't think you should invest into something with someone when you aren't sure if it is right. 
        Now to be honest, I've come to the realisation that analysing & thinking everything happens for a reason is a woman's game. Men can get away without even a goodbye but some of us girls spend time searching for knowledge, but those people are usually going through some kind've self-improvement….Well that's me done. Maybe there aren't always reasons. For the last three months I've worked on myself and what I do want to do is continue having interesting dates; if love comes along, great. If not, then I'm not seeking it WHOLLY anyways! I do have criteria though but don't we all? I don't think anyone should scrimp on that :-D  

Utilising your tools is a must. Have fun with single life, it definitely doesn't need to be lonely, there's plenty of single men out their ladies!! Just think, whoever let you go it's their loss, they've now freed you to find plenty of uncomplicated, attractive singletons. Just don't confuse them all ;-)